a leap of faith

My last post stated I'm going to retire from the prison. I figured that deserved a bit more detail.

 I used to make fun of inmates who acted so big and bad, but the minute they were close to being released they'd turn into a wide eyed whiny coward. I've been eligible to retire for 8 months. And I'm afraid of leaving! Turns out I'm as institutionalized and afraid as they are. Haha! 

A couple days ago I received a call from an old friend of mine. He retired from the prison I work at last year. He's been working for a company in Albuquerque since September. He loves it. He said he could get me hired on there too. The starting pay is more than i make at the prison, and I've worked at the for prison 21 years! They have medical, and there's overtime available. Its to good of an opportunity to pass up!

Step one: buy a home, we currently live on the prison grounds.
Step two: sell our mobile home that's on the prison grounds.
Step three: get hired some where else, preferably where my buddy works. I won't leave the prison without another job. You know what they say, its easier to find a job when you have a job. I'll never actually retire. You know, sit at home, not work, watch tv all day. That's not for me. I find a lot of satisfaction from working. I'll be the kind of guy who works until the day i die.
Step four: retire from the prison. Wow. I can't believe I'm taking that leap of faith! I never thought I'd do it. There's a couple guys at the prison who started when they were young, they've both been there 35+ years now. I thought for sure that's what I was going to do too.

There's something about doing this that makes me miss my parents. I'd like nothing more than to be able to call them up and share this amazing moment in my life with them.

wrist problem fixed

The last couple weeks my right wrist had been hurting when I do snatches. On Saturday i told Erik, one of the coaches at The Miller Gym. After watching me lift only one time he figured out my problem. I allow my wrists to bend backwards when the weight reaches the top of the snatch. Normally that wouldn't be much of a problem, but my wrists are super flexible. They end up bending to far. See picture below:

The picture below is how I'm trying to have the weight land. This feels so much better. The only down side is changing my form on the snatch is harder than I thought it would be. It's caused a lot of missed lifts and frustration. Since the very first day i started doing the snatch I've ALWAYS done it that way. Changing it has thrown off my balance,  and to some extent even my confidence. With hard work, focus, and determination I'll get it. Like my Mom used to tell me, "this to shall pass."

weightlifting taper and my grandmother passing away

Just before i started my taper I was ready for a break!  I was going to ask my coach if i could have a week off after the meet. By the end of my taper i'm missing lifting heavy. This is exactly what happens everytime.  I'm tired when I'm supposed to be, and feeling hungry for some heavy weightlifting when I'm about to compete. It's wonderful having a coach that has me hit every phase of training exactly like I'm supposed.

My grandmother died this weekend of bone cancer. It was her 5th bout with cancer. She was amazing.

My mother was at the funeral. My mother and i haven't spoken in over 4 years. I was afraid she was going to try and cause drama like she usually does. She didn't. Although it was awkward being around her, the weekend with the entire family was wonderful and the funeral was beautiful. I'll miss my Meme, that's what i called her. Meme. She was so strong and wonderful. She was the rock of our family. All of us on earth who knew her are heart broken, but she's with her husband, her daughter, and Jesus now so I know she's happier.

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skin cancer and middle aged athletes like me

I had a Dr's appointment yesterday. All of my tests like blood pressure, blood sugars, triglycerides, and liver functions came back great. She found a couple precancerous growths she froze off. She also found another spot on my back that was concerning to her so she wants to cut a piece out and send in to biopsy.

Each year for the last few years my DR has had to freeze off a couple precancerous growths. Last year they found a spot on my chest that had to be biopsied. She has become concerned enough to send me to see a dermatologist. Looks like I'm getting to that age where my irresponsible parents and my reckless youth is starting to catch up to me.

Parents, put sun screen on your kids no matter how busy and broke you are.

not competing in the the Angel Fire ultra trail run and family stuff

I've been wanting to compete in the Angel Fire 50 kilometer trail run for a very long time. I signed up earlier this year expecting that the race would motivate me to start running again. It didn't. I doubt I've ran a total of 30 miles in the last 21 months and I'm tipping the scales at 250, so unfortunately I wont be running in the Angel Fire 50K. That's ok, the longer it takes me to earn an ultra endurance trail run belt buckle the more I'll appreciate it when I do.

On a more personal note, I hadn't heard from my natural father since I was 13. A while back I found him and we rekindled our relationship. For a little over a year everything was beyond perfect. He went camping with my family, called me multiple times a week, and visited every few months. He was the father I'd always wanted him to be. It was wonderful feeling accepted by a parent, that's not something I've had much of in my life. Then just as suddenly as the last time, he disappeared. He turned his back on me while I was going through a really hard time. The timing wasn't his fault, but it still made things much more difficult for me to deal with. In that same month I'd ended my relationship with my mother. She has borderline personality disorder. Severing ties with my Mom hurt deeply even though it was best for both of us. That same month I found out my step 1st (of 3) step Dad who raised me from the age of 2 to age 15 had died. He was an alcoholic and he and my Mom had a horribly abusive relationship, but he was a great father to me. For years I desperately wanted to find him and tell him how grateful I was for all he had done for me and taught me. To tell him at least one more time that I loved him. I never got that chance. I found out he died living alone and in poverty. The conditions he was living in the last years of his life horrified me, riddled me with guilt. Anyways, back to my natural father. I had called and sent letters with no response. After almost 6 months of not hearing from him, not knowing if he'd died or if I'd done something wrong he sent me a letter that said he couldn't be in contact with me because he was on vacation. A few months more of not hearing from him and I get another letter claiming he had high cholesterol and the only way for him to get the numbers down was if he cut me out of his life. I would have been OK if he decided not to be in my life and was honest about the reason, but him feeding me a line of bull shit made the whole situation hurt much more than it needed to. A few days ago, approximately a year and a half after he severed our relationship he sent me a fathers day card and in it he was honest about his reasoning. Reading that letter helped me heal a lot. He told me the truth, and that was what I needed to be able to find closure. I'm so grateful for his honesty. You might be asking what the heck that has to do with fitness and me getting back to an ideal body weight? I hold everything in, refusing to allow myself to feel. When the emotions become too overwhelming to hide from I numb the pain with food. I'm hoping now that I've found closure with my natural father I'll be able to start eating to live rather than living to eat.

 

Just in case your wondering, I don't regret having had the parents I did. The things I went through, the abuse and piss poor parenting I had was the catalyst that made me into the family man I am today. I'm a darn good Dad and a grateful husband. If it wasn't for what I had gone through as a kid I wouldn't fully appreciate the healthy relationship I have with my wife and the joy I find in my kids. It's as if I'm reliving the childhood through my family I wish I had experienced. Life is wonderful, I'm happier than I ever dreamed I could be.

Mom update, weight, & triathlon

Most important news 1st. The Heart Hospital found no damage to the muscle or structure of my Moms heart. She has no major blockage. They told her her heart attack is probably due to stress, blood pressure, & cholesterol. She has another appointment on the 31st.

I want to thank everyone for their prayers & well wishes. I'm not sure how I would have made it through all this without all of your support. It seemed like every time I started to feel overwhelmed I'd receive another email or comment. Thank you so much.

I went for a 2 hr bike on Sat followed by a 45 minute run. I felt very slow. It probably has mostly to do with my weight, partly to do with stress. I'm back up to 205 pounds. That's about 16 pounds heavier than I was in May. Most of my weight gain has to do with the stress of losing my Dad, my Moms heart attack, & getting out of my training routine. Today I'm back in my schedule of working, working out, sleeping, & healthy eating. I was hoping to do the 5430 half Iron August 10th weighing in the low 190's. That won't happen now. I'm at 205 with only 3 weeks until the 5430. If I'm truly dedicated to eating healthy & still giving my body enough calories to handle the upcoming hard training I'll be able to lose a little over 2 pounds a week. So I assume I'll be around 195-199 for the half. Ironman Arizona is around 3.5 months after the 5430. 3.5 months is plenty of time to get to & maintain my goal weight of 190. If all goes well & I stay on track this time I'll be back to my goal racing weight of 190 by mid Sept. Just in time for the Enchanted Circle Century. I must say though, I still have dreams of a grand light weight of 180 by IMAZ. We'll see.

That's all for now. Thanks for the prayers & support. You all have no idea how much it has meant to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

prayers please

My step Dad used to send me a lot of emails. Usually 5-10 a day. It was how we kept in contact. Sometimes the emails were personal. A lot of them were things he found on the Internet. Some jokes, some political emails (we had the exact same political views), or an interesting video (we had the same sense of humor too). Now that he's gone I keep going to my computer to
check my email, & it's empty. It's the first time I've ever had that happen. My
Dad has always sent me emails. He was retired & the computer was where he spent most of his time. I miss him. I suspect I'll always miss him. Perhaps not as badly as now, but not having him here makes me feel like there's an empty place in my life. I know I'll see him again because we are both Christians, both believers in Christ. But the lack of having him here right here has left a definite void. He was one of my biggest supporters.


As lonely as I am without him here it is much much worse on my Mom. He was the only person to ever fully accept my Mom for who she is. Her good & bad. My Mom is a determined person. She has a single minded determination like none I've ever seen. That makes her capable of accomplishing anything. But for some reason it also at times can make others uncomfortable. She often feels isolated & alone. My Dad was the only one who encouraged her and supported her through any & all of her"projects". Everyone else, myself included has had a tendency to tell her to slow down, to try & make her keep focused on other things in life. To not get so engulfed in that one new project she has partaken. Now that my Dad is gone I see she needs to be supported by those she loves. I should of seen it before. But better late than never I suppose.


My Mom told me the other day her true North is gone & her compass is ascue.
I don't know what to tell her. Her biggest- her only true supporter in her life
is gone. She's alone in a house where they have built memories together. But now it's only her.


My Mom has never handled emotional situations well. If anyone threw a project her way she'd complete it faster & better than anyone else in the world could. But when it comes to things of an emotional level, she just bottles them up.


It's been a hard couple years for my Mom. 2 years ago she lost her sister to cancer. She was 1 of her only 2 friends. Last week she lost her other best friend, my Dad. Earlier this year her other sister was diagnosed with an incurable form of cancer. All this was too much for my Mom to handle. She had a heart attack last night. Then she had another small one this morning after she found out her Mom fell & is now in a wheel chair. My Mom's doctor prescribed some nitroglycerine pills to my Mom & told her if she has more chest pains to take 1 pill every 5 minutes. If after 15 minutes she is still having chest pains to call 911. She has an appointment at the Heart Hospital of New Mexico on Friday. If there are any Christians reading this, prayers are desperately needed. I couldn't handle losing both my Mom & Dad. Especially so close together.