No quarter given OR of love and war

I want to relax. I want to be open and honest. I want to have a safe haven where struggle has no place, where we gain strength and rest instead of having it pulled from me. I want to stop being on guard all the time, and have a chance to simply be with someone who can understand our basic humanity without begrudging it. To stop fighting, and stop playing the game, just for a while.

I want to, so badly.

If I do, I soon will no longer able to.

I consider this perspective, I begin to see a stark paradox; mens' want for a relief or a respite from that performance burden tends to be their undoing.

This is the same mistake men making their blue pill, beta conditioning. They believe that if they meet the right girl, if they align correctly with that special ONE, then they too can give up and not worry about their performance- or relax and only make the base effort necessary to keep my ONE happy. The beta buys the advertising that his blue pill conditioning has presented to him for a lifetime. Find the right girl who accepts you, independent of your performance, and you can let down your guard, be vulnerable, forget any notion of red pill truth because you're girl is a special specimen who places known conditions on her love, empathy, intimate acceptance or genuine desire love you. This is very seductive and inuring for Beta who's been condition to believe there can realistically be a respite from his burden.

Looking back on it, I was so grateful to my wife, who is easily the most sexually available girl I've ever been with, that I would have taken a bullet for her. I didn't want anybody else. I didn't even think about other girls- first time that ever happened to me in a relationship. I can remember thinking that even if she gained weight, lost her looks, and got old, I'd still want her. I would have "loved" her forever. I was good and ready to cash in my chips, exit the sexual Marketplace, and retire. I would have arranged my whole life around making her happy and would have felt lucky to have had that privilege.

 At the time, all of that felt noble and brave, but looking back on it now, it just seems pathetic and pathological; the result of my neediness. But the thing is, what if she had reciprocated it? Wouldn't it have been a relationship worth having? Had she reciprocated it- if any woman was capable of reciprocating that- it wouldn't have been Disney movie bulshit, but the real thing. We're supposed to think such a thing is possible and that's what keeps us playing along. The red pill is really about recognizing it's impossibility, I think. There is no possible equity. To be sure, a woman can be loyal and dedicated to you, in theory, but theythey  give that loyalty to the guy who needs it least. It's like a cruel, cosmic joke.

Such as it is, that girl lied to me, drained every penny and every ounce of energy I had the moment I showed weakness and needed her the most. Big surprise, right? With a red pill awareness now I can see how predictable that result was, but at the time I was blindsided by it. I never saw it coming. I couldn't understand how she could do such a thing when I'd vested so much in her, when I was so willing to give her all the things I've always wanted most. I assumed she wanted the same things- men and women are the same, right? That's what the egalitarians tell us. I couldn't understand how those things could be so valueless to her that she would just throw it all away like that. She didn't value them at all.

My wife, the future CrossFit stud

It was hell getting my wife into CrossFit. She refused for awhile. Then after she agreed she dragged her feet. Her first drive to Bear Canyon CrossFit she cried the entire way there. It was an was an anxiety thing. I don't exactly understand, but I sympathize. After her first day of CrossFit she was so sore she needed help getting out of sitting and laying positions. Even though she was so sore she couldn't move she still went four times. For times in one week is impressive even for someone in great shape. One thing I learned when she and I did CrossFit together in 2013 is that she's a phenomenal athlete. She builds speed, strength, and endurance much much quicker than most. In less than a month of beginning Crossfit in 2013 she was faster than me in every workout. She also has the biggest pain tolerance I've seen. Which is helpful in Crossfit. Because CrossFit hurts. Bad. She once dropped a 45 pound plate on her big toe, crushing the bone to mush. Literally. She still finished the wod. Another time she was struggling with plantar fasciitis so bad that the plantar fascia tore in half during warm ups. And she still finished the workout after rupturing the muscle. Shes's a stud. A natural athlete. I always assumed our kids inherited thier athleticism from me. It wasn't until I saw my wife work out and make gains so quickly that i realized she's the best athlete in the family. My wife is going to be a force to be reckoned with once she has some time in the sport.

CrossFit costs or CrossFit for couples

I decided earlier this week I was going to cancel my Crossfit membership to save money so I could continue to be home with the kids more. After a few days I fell off the diet wagon. So then I went back to crossfit and Wala, I was motivated to eat healthy and count macros again. I think I've come to the realization that I need to continue training at Bear Canyon CrossFit. There's something about that place that makes me motivated to eat right and eat the right amounts. It seems to effect more than just what kind of workout I'm doing. It totally changes my lifestyle. After I told my wife how my diet changes for the worse everytime I stop going to CrossFit she actually decided to try it too. Her first CrossFit workout will be tomorrow. I'll blog about her workout soon. But she and I came up with an idea on how to pay for it. Our membership will be $220 a month. Right now she and I put money into a 401k retirement plan. We'll just deduct $220 a month from how much we're investing in our 401k. The way I look at it is there's more than one way to invest in our future. And one of those ways is investing in our health. What's the point in saving for retirement if we'll be to sick or dead to enjoy it? So, tomorrow she and I start training CrossFit together. I'm really excited. I think this will be great for both our bodies and our relationship. It'll be something we can bond doing together.

RX'd Burpees and 15th wedding anniversary

This morning I was able to do an entire workout doing burpees the way CrossFit says is proper and legal. Before today I couldn't do them because my stomach was to big and got in the way. In the last week I've had a few firsts. First time I was able to do box jumps, double unders, and burpees. I'm much more prepared for the CrossFit open now. And I'm very excited about competing this year.

Today is the 15th anniversary for my wife and I. From the way things have been the last few months I'd say this next year has the potential of being the best of our entire marriage.

Training ups and downs

On Monday I had a horrible squat day. On Wednesday I had by far the best day of deadlifts I've ever had in my life. Then this morning I had a total crap day of CrossFit. I used to let the ups and downs effect me emotionally. I'd feel on top of the world in every aspect of my life on a good day of training and I'd feel like the world had caved in on me if I had a bad day of training. I'm learning to not allow the highs and lows to effect me as much. I'm trying to remember that training is like bouncing a ball while traveling up hill.  There are a lot of small ups and downs. But the end effect is still going in an upward direction.

For a long time I was angry and resentful. I'd been forced to work 80-90 hours a week for so long I was depressed and had lost hope of a decent life. I haven't worked any overtime since October. Just 36-40 hours a week. Not working as much, being able to spend time with my kids, and time to workout has done miracles for my happiness and contentment. This week was the first time in over a decade that I felt that I was glad to be married.

Day off for recovery and New Mexico health Care connect

Just last week I was blogging about how I'd gotten in good enough shape that I was working out 7 days a week. And that in addition to training every day I was hoping to start doing two workouts in one day at least once a week. Well yesterday I felt like crap. I was tired, sore, grouchy, and wasn't motivated to go to the gym. So today I had to eat my words and take a day off from training.

My day of recovery couldn't have happened at a better time. My wife had the day off from work. So we spent the day together. We slept late, did lots of cuddling, and a few chores together.

My wife has been commuting 120 miles a day for work since we moved to Albuquerque 19 months ago. She got a new job that's only 2.7 miles from our house. That'll give her an extra 2 hours a day at home. The best news is her new job has full benefits. Her medical insurance is only $600 a month. We had been getting medical insurance from New Mexico health connections. For the 5 of us it was $957 a month. But the cost was going to go up to $1257 a month on January. My wife saved our butt financially with her new job! $1,257 a month is rediculous. Needless to say we have cancelled New Mexico health connections.

Powerlifting and CrossFit two-a-days

My weight hasn't changed in three weeks. But my physique has. I was surprised at how much it has. Yesterday I put on pants that haven't fit me for almost two years. My strength has exploded the last month too. At first when I started CrossFit i had to slow down with powerlifting and weightlifiting. But my body has already adapted. I'm up to powerlifting training 4 days and CrossFit 3 days a week. I no longer feel sore or exhausted. After the New Mexico USPA powerlifting state championships on December 9th I'm going to try doing a two-a-day a week. Powerlifting in the AM and CrossFit in the PM. 4 workouts of each every week. That'll give my body another month to get into good enough shape to handle a two-a-days. But since I'm not going to attempt it until after the USPA state championships I know I'll be showing up with good training without worry of overtraining for the meet. The powerlifting meet is too important to risk injury or overtraining. I'll be attempting to defend my New Mexico USPA championship state championship.

The biggest reason for getting so out of shape was that I had worked 80-90 hours a week for the last 10.5 years. I was chronically fatigued and didn't have enough time to train or prepare food. But I'm refusing to work that many hours anymore.i threw down an ultimatum. Next time my wife makes a bad life decision that would force me to work rediculous amounts of overtime to fix, we're getting a divorce. She seems to have fixed her spending and bad life decisions. We'll see. but either way, I'm never working like that again.

Day one back in the weight room

Yesterday was my first day of no longer working obscene amounts of overtime. After work yesterday I went to the gym. I haven't worked out consistently in almost a year. It felt great to get in there again. I'm pretty sore today. But again, I love it. It feels great.

Now that I've realized I need to make my health and happiness a priority i feel like a weight has been taken off my shoulders. I've realized the only one in this relationship who cares about my health and happiness is me. No more work weeks above 48hrs. If she makes more bad life decisions or wants a luxury item she needs to save for it or go out and earn extra money. It's as easy as that. I'm not going to kill myself with overtime anymore. 11 years of 80-90 hour work weeks was enough.

I also need to realize I'm partly to blame. At anytime I could have simply refused to work as many hours as I was. I should have. I didn't.

Marriage is slavery

I've been married for 13 years. I've worked 80-90 hours a week for the last 11 of them. I'm not a workaholic. I don't enjoy working extra hours. I'm beyond unhappy. I'm miserable. From very early in our marriage my wife had unrealistic lifestyle expectations. She spent more than two men could earn. And I had to work more than two men combined to try and out earn her spending.

I always wanted to be a doting husband. A selfless provider who put my wife's need above my own. My assumption was always that if I did enough for my wife, if I gave her the things she said would make her happy, if I sacrificed more than any other man could that she'd eventually love me enough that I wouldn't have to anymore. I was wrong. She'd rather me be exhausted, overworked, missing my kids, and depressed than to go without extra money or the things money can buy. I'm nothing more than a wage slave. A utility to have resources extracted from. I've known this for quite awhile. But I just kept trying. I'd work harder and I'd spend less so she could have more in the hopes I could finally win her over and have her choose me. In the hopes she'd love me enough to not want me to suffer anymore. All the while I'd beg and plead with her to please spend less so I could have a normal life. So I could work normal hours, have time with my kids, have hobbies, and be able to sleep a full 8 hours. Oh how I miss sleep! But last night I finally accepted the truth. She's ok with me suffering as long as she gets what she wants. She'll never put me and my needs above her own wants and desires. Last night I told her after the trip to New York in October I won't be working overtime anymore. If she wants something she'll have to save for it like responsible adults are supposed to do. There's been other times in  the past that I've told her I won't be working overtime. I've told her she won't be allowed to spend more than we make anymore. She always threw a fit. She'd say manipulative things. She'd try using shaming language. She'd blame me and try to play the victim role. I'd always cave in. I'm hoping this time I'll stand my ground and do what's best for the whole family. Me being home would be better for my kids, our marriage, and me. She definitely won't like it. She'll have to learn to accept it or file for a divorce. At this point I've been used and abused by her for so long I'm ok with either decision she makes.

After we get back from New York in October I'm getting back into athletics. I'm hiring a coach, probably coach Vernon Smith, I'll be eating right, sleeping enough, and for the first time in 13 years I will make sure I'm happy. She won't like it. But I don't care.

crime in Albuquerque and it's time to move!

When i retired from the prison i tried to convince my wife to move to Lubbock TX, anywhere in New Hampshire, or Savanna Gorrgia. She desperately wanted to move back to her home town of Albuquerque. Albuquerque is #3 in the nation in auto-thefts, #5 in violent crime, and the sexual assault and rape is %300 higher than the national average. But ultimately I put my wife's wants above my own, like husbands should do. A couple weeks ago my cherished 1996 Chevrolet Suburban was stolen from our driveway. Anyone who knows me knows I love my Suburban. I plan on driving it the rest of my life. I was just going to continue to repair it over and over again. A few days later I found it in an apartment complex. It had $1250 woth of damage to it. It was loaded up with a bunch of home invasion tools. The police said the thieves were probably going to use my vehicle in a few home break ins and then dump it or strip it for parts. Thankfully my wife has realized how dangerous this city is. She's ready to sell the house we bought just 5 short months ago and move. She hasn't decided where she wants to move yet. She said she'd like to see Savanna Georgia. She's never been to that part of the country. It's BEAUTIFUL there! I'm sure she'd move there in a heart beat if she saw it there. So I'm hoping like hell I'm able to qualify for the masters national weightlifting championships which is held in Savanna Georgia. And in the meantime I'm working on our house getting it prepped to sell. There's a lot we're needing to do. I've been working my butt off the last week.

 We're going to knock out this old fashion light box thingy and put recessed lighting in the kitchen, family room, dining room, and both bathrooms.

 As you can see there's no lights in the family room other than lamps. So recessed lighting is desperately needed. We're also going to remove all the carpet and linoleum and put down new tile in the whole house.

We're going to knock out this wall and put in a breakfast bar. We're also going to put in new  kitchen counters so that the breakfast bar and kitchen counters will match. After that I believe we can sell it for a profit so we can have a decent down payment on a new home in a safer city. The housing at all three of the places I'd like to move is significantly cheaper than here in Falujah- er- I mean Albuquerque New Mexico. Plus:

There's no income tax in Texas.

And there's no income tax or sales tax in New Hampshire. 

Savanna Georgia is just about the most beautiful place on earth. Plus they have beaches and an ocean there!

The only thing I'll miss here in Albuquerque is my coach Joaquin Chavez of High Dessert Athletic Club. I love that guy. I don't think I'll ever find another coach as fantastic as he is.

victory through attrition

The USPA, a powerlifting federation is having the New Mexico state championships here in Albuquerque on November 19th, 2016. I train strictly for weightlifting. But I've found weightlifting traning transfers well for powerlifting. I decided, just for fun, to look up the Super heavyweight 40-44 age group state records for the raw and classic raw divisions and there aren't any. All I have to do is show up and successfully lift a single squat, deadlift, and bench and technically I'll be the USPL state champion and state record holder. As I'm continuing this journey into strength athletics I've found there aren't many super heavyweight 40 or older left. They all have bad backs, knees, hearts, etc. I've won almost ever single weightlifting and powerlifting meet ive ever entered, simply because I'm usually the only one in my division. So far I've won 3 New Mexico state weightlifting championships, hold all the of the New Mexico weightlifting state records, won a New Mexico state NASA championship and hold 9 New Mexici state NASA powerlifting records. The owner of Iron Soul Gym tells me I'm earning victories through attrition. I think that's going to be my new motto, "victory through attrition."

I recently made peace with my weight. I'm happy with myself as I am. Well, last week my wife told me she wants me to lose 75 pounds. That she said that she doesn't like the way I look. That hurt. So I asked my sports nutrition coach Barry Schroeder if we could speed up my weight loss, even if it means sacraficing weightlifting performance.

graveyard shift, weightlifting, and a supportive spouse

I've been working nights since my 1st son was born in 2007, so I've become relatively accustomed to graveyard shift. When I took my 3 week vacation, in Dec-Jan, I got used to sleeping at night. I'm having a heck of a time re-acclimating. I'm struggling to sleep during the days. I've also been struggling because I peaked a few weeks ago. This taper has been way to long. I've felt like crap in the gym. In a week I'll be competing in The 2nd annual John Davis memorial classic weightlifting meet. This is a horrible time for this to be happening. I've been training the last couple years with the goal of qualifying for the 2016 master's national championships. This is my shot. I don't want it to get screwed up.

Even though I desperately want to qualify for the masters national championships, if I qualify it's doubtful I'll travel and compete in it. I've been saving for a down payment for a house that's big enough for each of my kids to have their own bedroom. It'll cost a lot to travel to Savanna Georgia where the masters will be held. I can't do both. When my wife heard I'm wanting to put my weightlifting goals on hold until we get a home she got really upset. She wants me to go and compete. She knows how much the master's national championships means to me and how long I've been working towards that goal. She's unbelievably supportive. Getting my kids into a house, having a down payment large enough to be able to afford the monthly payments, and avoiding PMI is much more important to me. But seriously, how cool is it that my wife is willing to put those goals on hold for me? She's an amazing spouse. I'm a lucky man.

support and weightlifting

Since I hit a lifetime PR on the snatch yesterday I've been on cloud 9. I never believed I'd get to a 100k snatch at all, much less this quickly.  Especially since I didn't start weightlifting until I was 38 years old. When I was attempting to max yesterday I ran out of energy half way through. One of my training partners had a particularly long and grueling training day, yet he still gave me his Cliff bar even though he obviously was going to need it to get through his workout. Coach Erik saw me miss a few of my lighter attempts so he watched the rest my lifts and helped me with my form. All that help made me think of how much support it takes to be an olympic weightlifter. For me, in addition to the obvious, like my wife adjusting her schedule to watch my three young children anytime I'm wanting to train. There's also the half dozen coaches and athletes who help me with form and advice every single time I'm in The Miller Gym. And of course my nutrition coach who has made the adjustments I needed to make the biggest gains I've ever made in a two month period. Weightlifting is the most amazing sport I've ever competed in. But it takes more support than any sport I've ever done too. I'm blessed enough to have such an amazing support system around me. I'm a lucky man.

I've decided that if I qualify for the 2016 master's national weightlifting championships I'm going. I'll have to sell my triathlon bike, road bike, race wheels,  And wet suits to be able to afford it. But if I qualify,  I'm going!

pay it forward for Chistmas

In 2011 i got ran over by a vehicle while cycling and suffered a traumatic brain injury. Not working and the medical bills devastated us financially. There were many days we didn't have any food in the house. On Christmas we had to explain to the kids, ages 2, 4, & 6 that we couldn't afford gifts that year. My middle son assumed Santa Clause wasn't coming because of him. He repeatedly begged me to tell Santa he was sorry and he'd be a good boy from now on. No matter how hard i tried to explain it wasn't their fault the tears continued to fall, mine included. A few minutes later a coworker of mine from the prison knocked on our door and dropped off a huge pile of gifts for my children. Their Christmas was saved. I've never been more grateful in my life.

A few months ago my wife and I paid off a huge amount of her students loans and my medical bills. We're in a much better place financially.

My wife and I heard about a father on an Indian reservation not far from us that committed suicide. He left behind a wife who was a stay at home mom and three young kids the same age as ours were in 2011. I also have a coworker who's 2 year old son is really sick and has been in and out of the hospital all year. My wife and i scrounged together every penny we could possibly afford and gave each of them a check. I know money wont fix what those families are going through. But I'm hoping at the very least they will be able to have a moment of joy and forget for a short while all the problems in their life as they see the joy in their kids faces when they open their gifts on Christmas morning. I know that's how my wife and I felt on Christmas 4 years ago.

pre-workout meal comparison and weightlifting belts

After trying every food imaginable I've found the food that gives me the most energy to sustain my energy through an entire weightlifting workout is white rice mixed 1/2 cup skim milk, sugar, and  one or two cups of coffee. After Thanksgiving I had a pumpkin pie and thought,  "this has lots of calories and is high in the glycemic index. I bet pumpkin pie will work great as a pre-workout meal!" Just in case your wondering,  pumpkin pie does not fuel an athlete well. Not only did I end up running out of energy half way through my workout, i felt like crap the rest of the day. And the pumpkin pie used so much of my daily allotment of carbs and fat that I was hungry the rest of the day. No bueno.

Every 4-6 weeks I tweak my back doing back squats. It's never an injury severe enough to make me miss training,  but it's serious enough to bug for a week of two while it heals up. I've tried everything to stop this from happening: changing my form, tightening my belt REALLY tight, squating slower.... nothing seemed to stop it. A few weeks ago I had to order a different weightlifting belt. The one i had been using the last couple years wasn't legal in powerlifting meets. Bada Bing bada bang, problem fixed! Turns out I was needing a different weightlifting belt. The one I'm using now gives my back perfect support!  I haven't had any problems at all since lifting with the new belt. It's an Ader 4 inch weightlifting belt. Its a miracle worker and a back saver!

There's a funny 105k+ story to go along with this belt. I ordered the belt based on their sizing chart. When I got it in the mail I thought they had to have sent me the wrong sized belt because this sucker was huge! I'm sure it would fit around two normal sized men twice with plenty of room to spare.  I started packing it in the box to return it and my wife said, "why don't you try it on so you know how much smaller of a belt you'll need to replace it with." Great idea! I tried it on, not only did it fit,  but if I was a half inch bigger around the belt would be to small. Ah, the life of a super heavy weight. Every day in the shoes of a 105k+ is an adventure!

my son and weightlifting

Some wives give socks or ties for presents. Not my wife. She knows exactly what will make me happy. Weightlifting suplaments baby! I got this in the mail today for my 40th birthday. I'm a happy man. 

Today at my son's weightlifting practice coach Miller gave my son a Miller gym t-shirt for an early Christmas present. My son was was so happy about the shirt he refused to take it off last night. He slept in it. He really loves weightlifting, and he's pretty darn good at it. I'd really like it if I could watch him practice just one time without my eyes filling with tears. It's funny how love and and being proud of seeing my children exell  makes me cry.

Here's a video of my son doing power cleans. If he continues progressing as well as he is coach Miller will let him lift in the 2nd annual John Henry Davis meet in January. My dad even said he'd come to watch my sons first weightlifting meet. Even though my Dad only lives a few hours away he only visits once every couple years. So that would make it a particularly special day for my son. He and I would be lifting in the same meet together. Now that's what I call father/son bonding! 

family at weightlifting meets and emotional roller coasters

My wife is a very attractive lady and I'm still very in love. I still work hard at impressing her anytime I can. By doing the housework before she gets home from work or by doing great at sporting events to impress her, etc. Most of the time that works out great for me. But I've realized its causes problems with my weightlifting meets. Anytime she and my kids are in the audience I end up doing poorly at weightlifting. I end up putting to much of my concentration on doing well to look good for them them rather than on my form. Apparently still being madly in love after 13 years of marriage has an occasional down side.

On Saturday I failed at qualifying for the Masters National Weightlifting Championships at the "Lift Outside The Box" weightlifting meet held here in Santa Fe NM at The Miller Gym. After a poor sporting performance my emotions are all over the place. I've learned to never make any decisions soon after I do something I consider disappointing athletically. After the meet I was going to go on a low carb diet. Now that I've recovered from my emotional roller coaster I realized I'm a decent weightlifter. I'm fine at my current weight class. Yes I need to drop 30-40 pounds. But I need to do it in a healthy and moderate way. I also need work on my snatch form. My snatches in the last couple meets were down right ugly, but I don't need to do anything drastic with my weight that'll cause me to lose strength and speed that I've worked so hard to build. On the upside my clean and jerk exploded during my last training plan. I increased 7k in only 3 months. The next meet I'll be competing in will be The 2nd Annual John Davis weightlifting meet. Hopefully I'll qualify for the Masters National Weightlifting Championships then.

starting to commute by bicycle again

My wife and i have had only one vehicle all week and my wife's been taking it to work. I've been riding my old, beat up, 90's model Raleigh mountain bike everyday to The Miller Gym and work. At first i was afraid the cycling would hurt my weightlifting. But i think the cycling is actually helping it. I used to struggle getting my legs warmed up and ready to lift heavy. This week, by the time i bike the 11 miles to the gym, my legs feel great and are ready to lift right away. So it looks like I'm picking up commuting to work and gym on my bicycle again.

losing weight for an attractive woman

My wife started working out at Praxis (formerly Zia crossfit) a month ago.  She's lost so much weight so quickly that the transformation has been shocking. She's not just losing weight, she's getting that athletic and fit look, muscular arms, a slender waist line, long lean legs, and defined shoulders. On one hand I'm lucky because my wife was already a very attractive lady, but now she's looking unbelievable. And now i need to lose some dang weight or we're going to endup looking like the picture below.

balancing weightlifting, work, and eating

Today i had a break through on my snatch form. My strength is still low from the 7 weeks off from training. But thanks to the breakthrough on my form i hit an 84k snatch. That's less than i was lifting in April, but I'll get back to my old numbers eventually.

I've been working 12-16 hours every day since June 6th. My first day off will be July 6th. That's over a month of 92 hour work weeks. Obviously exhaustion has a lot to do with my strength returning so slowly. My wife is pushing for me to work a lot of overtime so we can get enough of a down payment for a new home so that we can move. At first i was willing, but now I'm having 2nd thoughts. I've been working 80-90 hour work weeks non-stop since 2006. I'm tired. I'd like to have a normal life, more time with the kids, and more sleep. I know my wife wants to move off prison grounds and move back to Albuquerque so she can be closer to her parents, but I'm happy where we're at. I really enjoy my career, i like living on prison grounds, i enjoy living in Santa Fe more than I've ever enjoyed living anywhere else, i love the church we go to, and I love weightlifting at the Miller Gym. If we moved to Albuquerque all that would change. I'm not sure i want to change things. With the exception of the amount of hours I've been asked to work I've never been this happy. Where I'm at now is where I'm happiest, why kill myself to leave?

I have two workout buddies, Kevin Y. and Heather,  who were incuraging me to start logging my food on My Fitness pal. Logging my food is helping my diet a lot. I've gone 27 days without binge eating. That's getting pretty close to the longest I've gone without destructive eating since i fell off the wagon back in 2012.  I've lost a little weight, 10 pounds or so. But this time my goal isn't to lose weight.  It's just to eat relatively healthy and avoid binge eating. Losing some weight this month is probably another reason my strength is rebounding so slowly. Haha, that's a tough one: lose weight and look better and be healthier or be strong?