And here's one of me now.
I'd love to lose 80-90 pounds, but I'm afraid of going off the deep end with my eating again.
What to do? What to do?
Showing posts with label eating disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label eating disorder. Show all posts
March 16, 2015
I'm a flake and OCD both
I used to drive my old triathlon coach Pete Alfino nuts. I'd set a goal to compete at a race and a couple months into training for it i'd get the itch and want to change my goal. And here i am contemplating changing my goal again. Since December I'd been gradually losing weight. My goal was to get to the 105k weight class. Although i was still gaining strength as i was losing weight, I'm not gaining as much as I do when I'm not trying to lose weight. So now of course I'm attempting to justify staying at current weight. There's no doubt I'd look better if i lost weight. I'm sure I'd also feel better about myself at a lighter weight. But if i stay my current weight I'll be stronger for Olympic style weightlifting. And i REALLY LOVE Olympic style weightlifting! I'm even better at weightlifting than i was at triathlon, and i ended up being a highly decorated triathlete. I also have a really legitimate fear of getting obsessed with weight loss. I have a tendency to get a little out of control with sports and food. I found a picture of when i was a hard core triathlete. I was to thin and absolutely not eating enough.
July 07, 2014
eat like crap perform like crap
The last week has been so stressful. Each of our vehicles broke down 18 hours apart, our swamp cooler is getting worked on, my wife and kids went camping with my emotionally abusive and controlling mother and her husband, my cousin and her kids are visiting, and I miss my natural father who still refuses to to call or visit. Friday and Saturday I missed my scheduled workouts which is my way of dealing with stress in a healthy way. So this weekend I ate like crap. I usually do when I'm stressed, but this weekends diet was REALLY BAD! worst few days of eating I've had all year. Yesterday I didn't eat anything with any protein in it, it was all crap. Last night I knew I screwed up when I woke up with excruciating leg cramps. My body was going catabolic, eating my own muscles.
Usually olympic weightlifting, especially snatch day, calms me, makes everything feel better. Thanks to having virtually no protein and nothing but crap all weekend this morning I missed all my big lifts this morning. No stress relief in being weaker than I was last week.
I desperately want to drop 60-70 pounds and maintain an average weight of 234 pounds so that I could bounce back and forth between the heavy weight and super heavyweight division, but to do that I'd have to control my eating and I don't see that happening. This whole binge eating thing never ends with me. Sometimes I can control it for a short while, but it always returns with a vengeance.
Usually olympic weightlifting, especially snatch day, calms me, makes everything feel better. Thanks to having virtually no protein and nothing but crap all weekend this morning I missed all my big lifts this morning. No stress relief in being weaker than I was last week.
I desperately want to drop 60-70 pounds and maintain an average weight of 234 pounds so that I could bounce back and forth between the heavy weight and super heavyweight division, but to do that I'd have to control my eating and I don't see that happening. This whole binge eating thing never ends with me. Sometimes I can control it for a short while, but it always returns with a vengeance.
June 06, 2012
weight, triathlon, diet, Saffron Extract Satiereal, and a change of mind
Below the links is my post. The links are my trial and posts about Saffron Extract Satiereal:
June 24th 2012http://cody-the-clydsdale.blogspot.com/2012/06/running-on-broken-toe-saffron-extract.html
June 7th 2012 http://cody-the-clydsdale.blogspot.com/2012/06/saffron-extract-satiereal-appetite.html
June 6th http://cody-the-clydsdale.blogspot.com/2012/06/weight-triathlon-diet-and-change-of.html
Last month I'd said that I'd start writing on my blog about my struggles with food. At first when I decided to write openly about my weight and food issues I felt great. I felt like I was getting years of junk off my shoulders , and the possibility of helping others who struggle with their weight like I do was even better. But I've decided I'm not going to post on my blog that I struggle with an eating disorder very often anymore. My skin just isn't thick enough. Many of the comments I received were well meaning, but they hurt my feelings.
One well meaning fellow told me when I succumb to my over eating I am sinning against God, that I was an adulterer, and an idolater. He said if I continued to fall off the wagon and overeat then my sin was the same as a homosexual who succumbed to his desires, and that if I continued to overeat I should question if I had truly accepted Christ into my heart. Ultimately I agree with what he said about sin, but the delivery was totally unacceptable. As a more mature christian he should have attempted to lead by the biblical model, like Jesus did, by teaching with love in his heart. I believe a much better approach would have been to say my overeating is a sin, Jesus loves sinners, and that there's healing through Jesus. At that point he could have gently and kinly explained how that was possible through Jesus Christ. But I feel instead he was trying to make me feel bad enough about myself and my sin that I may be led to turn to Christ out of guilt or fear. But for me the opposite is true. I love Jesus so much that my love for Him motivates me to repent of my sins.
This well meaning fellow also advised me that there is no such thing as addictions, the struggles I'm faced with are caused by my heart being filled with sin. So in that case I'll attempt not to use the phrase addiction anymore, I'll call it what it always has been, an eating disorder.
From now on I'll be more than happy to help anyone who struggles with their weight, or their relationship with food. Simply email me and I'll jump to offer all the assistance I can muster, but I wont be writing about my eating disorder very often on my blog anymore, it's not worth the heart ache.
Thanks to me gaining 20 pounds earlier this year I'm not gaining speed from my training as quickly as I had the last time I was training for sprint distance triathlons. And thanks to me dieting to drop the the extra weight I'd packed on I'm not recovering as quickly as I normally do. My legs are constantly tight, sore, and I feel fatigued. I'd still be healing quickly enough to be responding well from my training if I was dieting moderately, but I'm attempting to drop 3 pounds a week. That means cutting out 1,500 calories a day from my diet. I've been miserable with hunger every second of the day since dropping to this low of calories, so I ordered some Saffron Extract Satiereal. I heard about Saffron Extract Satiereal on the Dr Ozz show, it's a hunger suppressant that has no stimulants in it. I know that it's stupid to use hunger suppressants, especially while training as hard as I am now. I've never used any pills like this before, I just want to get back down to my dream weight of 179. After being attacked from my posts on my eating disorder, and because of the suddenness and severity of the crappy feelings that was a result of them, I just want a quick victory to lift my spirits. My desires to feel happier and me justifying my actions doesn't mean it's ok, I know it's a bad decision, but it's my consequences to suffer. I'm currently weighing in at 189, I have 10 pounds to lose. With the use of the Saffron Extract Satiereal pills 10 pounds of weight loss should take me 24 days. I've always been honest here on my blog. I'd prefer this not to become a debate and I'd prefer to not end up reading some more well meaning but ultimately hurtful comments. If you have any feeling on this matter, kindly keep them to yourselves, I don't think I can handle anymore "loving guidance" for awhile.
June 24th 2012http://cody-the-clydsdale.blogspot.com/2012/06/running-on-broken-toe-saffron-extract.html
June 7th 2012 http://cody-the-clydsdale.blogspot.com/2012/06/saffron-extract-satiereal-appetite.html
June 6th http://cody-the-clydsdale.blogspot.com/2012/06/weight-triathlon-diet-and-change-of.html
Last month I'd said that I'd start writing on my blog about my struggles with food. At first when I decided to write openly about my weight and food issues I felt great. I felt like I was getting years of junk off my shoulders , and the possibility of helping others who struggle with their weight like I do was even better. But I've decided I'm not going to post on my blog that I struggle with an eating disorder very often anymore. My skin just isn't thick enough. Many of the comments I received were well meaning, but they hurt my feelings.
One well meaning fellow told me when I succumb to my over eating I am sinning against God, that I was an adulterer, and an idolater. He said if I continued to fall off the wagon and overeat then my sin was the same as a homosexual who succumbed to his desires, and that if I continued to overeat I should question if I had truly accepted Christ into my heart. Ultimately I agree with what he said about sin, but the delivery was totally unacceptable. As a more mature christian he should have attempted to lead by the biblical model, like Jesus did, by teaching with love in his heart. I believe a much better approach would have been to say my overeating is a sin, Jesus loves sinners, and that there's healing through Jesus. At that point he could have gently and kinly explained how that was possible through Jesus Christ. But I feel instead he was trying to make me feel bad enough about myself and my sin that I may be led to turn to Christ out of guilt or fear. But for me the opposite is true. I love Jesus so much that my love for Him motivates me to repent of my sins.
This well meaning fellow also advised me that there is no such thing as addictions, the struggles I'm faced with are caused by my heart being filled with sin. So in that case I'll attempt not to use the phrase addiction anymore, I'll call it what it always has been, an eating disorder.
From now on I'll be more than happy to help anyone who struggles with their weight, or their relationship with food. Simply email me and I'll jump to offer all the assistance I can muster, but I wont be writing about my eating disorder very often on my blog anymore, it's not worth the heart ache.
Thanks to me gaining 20 pounds earlier this year I'm not gaining speed from my training as quickly as I had the last time I was training for sprint distance triathlons. And thanks to me dieting to drop the the extra weight I'd packed on I'm not recovering as quickly as I normally do. My legs are constantly tight, sore, and I feel fatigued. I'd still be healing quickly enough to be responding well from my training if I was dieting moderately, but I'm attempting to drop 3 pounds a week. That means cutting out 1,500 calories a day from my diet. I've been miserable with hunger every second of the day since dropping to this low of calories, so I ordered some Saffron Extract Satiereal. I heard about Saffron Extract Satiereal on the Dr Ozz show, it's a hunger suppressant that has no stimulants in it. I know that it's stupid to use hunger suppressants, especially while training as hard as I am now. I've never used any pills like this before, I just want to get back down to my dream weight of 179. After being attacked from my posts on my eating disorder, and because of the suddenness and severity of the crappy feelings that was a result of them, I just want a quick victory to lift my spirits. My desires to feel happier and me justifying my actions doesn't mean it's ok, I know it's a bad decision, but it's my consequences to suffer. I'm currently weighing in at 189, I have 10 pounds to lose. With the use of the Saffron Extract Satiereal pills 10 pounds of weight loss should take me 24 days. I've always been honest here on my blog. I'd prefer this not to become a debate and I'd prefer to not end up reading some more well meaning but ultimately hurtful comments. If you have any feeling on this matter, kindly keep them to yourselves, I don't think I can handle anymore "loving guidance" for awhile.
May 01, 2012
USAT National Championship qualification and injury recovered
I received this email yesterday:
Congratulations Cody Hanson. You have qualified for the 2012 USA Triathlon Olympic Distance National Championship after finishing in the top 10 percent in your age group at the Spring Fling Triathlon.
The 2012 USA Triathlon Olympic Distance National Championship will be held in Burlington, Vermont, on August 18. Registration is currently open. This event is expected to sell out, so be sure to sign up soon.
The USA Triathlon Olympic Distance National Championship is the nation's premier Olympic-distance event with the top age group athletes from all 50 states forming one of the most prestigious fields in the sport. Athletes from each age group will qualify to represent Team USA at the 2013 International Triathlon Union World Championships in London, England.
For more information on the 2012 USA Triathlon Olympic Distance National Championship, please visit www.USATNationalEvents.org. Please note: athletes must be current USA Triathlon annual members through August 18, 2012, before registering. You may renew your membership at www.usatriathlon.org.
On Monday I ran 6.25 miles and had no problems from my pulled quad. Monday night my quad was starting to feel tight so I spent an hour on the rollers spinning and keeping my rpm's high. Spinning made the tight feeling in my thigh go away completely.
I ran 6 miles again today to see if I truly am healed up. It felt fine. As long as my leg continues to feel healthy I'll go ahead and attempt my long training days this weekend. On Friday I'm scheduled for a 3 hour bike, on Saturday I have a 90 minute run. I sure hope my leg holds up to the training, this year is my last attempt at going sub 13 hours at an Iron distance triathlon until after my wife graduates in late 2015.
On Friday and Saturday of last week I fell off the diet wagon yet again. An entire month of refraining from binge eating seems impossible, how the heck did I reach 14 months earlier this year? I dunno, but I know I keep screwing up and am gaining more and more weight. I've gained 20 pounds since early April. I'm only 5 pounds from being a Clydesdale again, and in all reality I'm only 1 binge away from being back up to 300. Man-o-man, the last 30 days has been rough.
Congratulations Cody Hanson. You have qualified for the 2012 USA Triathlon Olympic Distance National Championship after finishing in the top 10 percent in your age group at the Spring Fling Triathlon.
The 2012 USA Triathlon Olympic Distance National Championship will be held in Burlington, Vermont, on August 18. Registration is currently open. This event is expected to sell out, so be sure to sign up soon.
The USA Triathlon Olympic Distance National Championship is the nation's premier Olympic-distance event with the top age group athletes from all 50 states forming one of the most prestigious fields in the sport. Athletes from each age group will qualify to represent Team USA at the 2013 International Triathlon Union World Championships in London, England.
For more information on the 2012 USA Triathlon Olympic Distance National Championship, please visit www.USATNationalEvents.org. Please note: athletes must be current USA Triathlon annual members through August 18, 2012, before registering. You may renew your membership at www.usatriathlon.org.
On Monday I ran 6.25 miles and had no problems from my pulled quad. Monday night my quad was starting to feel tight so I spent an hour on the rollers spinning and keeping my rpm's high. Spinning made the tight feeling in my thigh go away completely.
I ran 6 miles again today to see if I truly am healed up. It felt fine. As long as my leg continues to feel healthy I'll go ahead and attempt my long training days this weekend. On Friday I'm scheduled for a 3 hour bike, on Saturday I have a 90 minute run. I sure hope my leg holds up to the training, this year is my last attempt at going sub 13 hours at an Iron distance triathlon until after my wife graduates in late 2015.
On Friday and Saturday of last week I fell off the diet wagon yet again. An entire month of refraining from binge eating seems impossible, how the heck did I reach 14 months earlier this year? I dunno, but I know I keep screwing up and am gaining more and more weight. I've gained 20 pounds since early April. I'm only 5 pounds from being a Clydesdale again, and in all reality I'm only 1 binge away from being back up to 300. Man-o-man, the last 30 days has been rough.
April 13, 2012
Redman Iron distance triathlon 2012!!!!
My wife is an amazing triathlon spouse, she's a blessing from God. She saw my blog post that I wasn't going to race the Redman triathlon because I was unable to fit all my Ironman training into my schedule, so she adjusted her life and her schedule for me so that I can fit in my long days. Long days being the bread and butter of Ironman triathlon training. So as of now it looks like I'll be training and racing in the 2012 Redman Iron distance triathlon after all. Thank God for my wife. I'm a lucky lucky man.
Great news, I'm back to eating healthy, eating moderately, and eating within my definition of abstinence from destructive over eating. Bad news is I now weigh 190 pounds, I gained 15 pounds in the 6 days that I was off the wagon. Sounds impossible right? Not for me. I ate over 11,000 calories a day during my 6 day binge. There are 3500 calories in a pound of fat. The math adds up. It's not normal, it ain't pretty, but my eating disorder is a part of who I am. Hiding from it wont change it.
I now have 2 days abstinence. I'm trying not to morn my loss of 460 days of abstaining from destructive eating, I'm trying to be gentle with myself. Beating myself up over my weight gain and loss of control wont do anything but trigger another relapse. Recovery isn't about perfection, it's about progress.
Great news, I'm back to eating healthy, eating moderately, and eating within my definition of abstinence from destructive over eating. Bad news is I now weigh 190 pounds, I gained 15 pounds in the 6 days that I was off the wagon. Sounds impossible right? Not for me. I ate over 11,000 calories a day during my 6 day binge. There are 3500 calories in a pound of fat. The math adds up. It's not normal, it ain't pretty, but my eating disorder is a part of who I am. Hiding from it wont change it.
I now have 2 days abstinence. I'm trying not to morn my loss of 460 days of abstaining from destructive eating, I'm trying to be gentle with myself. Beating myself up over my weight gain and loss of control wont do anything but trigger another relapse. Recovery isn't about perfection, it's about progress.
April 10, 2012
Ironman triathlon training
Training for Iron distance triathlons takes A LOT of time. It takes me 30 weeks to build up the speed and endurance needed to compete in an Iron. The training averages about 12 hours per week. It starts low, 6 hours in week one and peaks in week 27 with 20 hours. On Friday of the 27th week I'd do a 6 hour bike ride followed with a 1 hour run with no rest in between, then a 1 hour 30 minute bike followed by a 3 hour run on Saturday.
Because of all the hours I'm working at night and then watching my babies while my wife is at college in the day I've been struggling to fit in the training. I'm only 7 weeks into the Iron training plan and I'm already having to cut rides and runs short consistently. I realized today I've bit off more than I can chew. Trying to train for the Redman while my wife is in school and I'm working 80+ hours a week at the prison is more than I can handle. Starting next week I'll be going back to sprint distance triathlon training.
Even with my busy schedule I should be able to fit in all the training for a sprint triathlon. The training for sprint distance triathlons is much more intense. It has a lot of lactate threshold training, intervals, and hills, but the longest workout I'll have to do during the entire 16 week program is 2 hours, verses a 7.5 hour workout training for an Iron.
Training less will allow me more than the four and a half hours of sleep I've been getting. I think getting more sleep will help me with my eating. I've fallen off the wagon again. I know I could be abstinent from binge eating if I turned it over to God. I'm currently fighting my own self will. I'm hating myself for not being able to stop and not wanting to stop because of the feeling of comfort and soothing I feel when I binge eat. On that note, I've found a possible OA sponsor. If he is able to maintain his abstinence another week and a half he'll start helping me work the 12 steps. I'm excited. He's a believer in Jesus. Tonight he told me something that made me feel much better about my current situation. He said, "Jesus died on the cross so that you don't have to eat yourself to death." Thank God for my salvation and the comfort and solace I can find in Jesus.
Because of all the hours I'm working at night and then watching my babies while my wife is at college in the day I've been struggling to fit in the training. I'm only 7 weeks into the Iron training plan and I'm already having to cut rides and runs short consistently. I realized today I've bit off more than I can chew. Trying to train for the Redman while my wife is in school and I'm working 80+ hours a week at the prison is more than I can handle. Starting next week I'll be going back to sprint distance triathlon training.
Even with my busy schedule I should be able to fit in all the training for a sprint triathlon. The training for sprint distance triathlons is much more intense. It has a lot of lactate threshold training, intervals, and hills, but the longest workout I'll have to do during the entire 16 week program is 2 hours, verses a 7.5 hour workout training for an Iron.
Training less will allow me more than the four and a half hours of sleep I've been getting. I think getting more sleep will help me with my eating. I've fallen off the wagon again. I know I could be abstinent from binge eating if I turned it over to God. I'm currently fighting my own self will. I'm hating myself for not being able to stop and not wanting to stop because of the feeling of comfort and soothing I feel when I binge eat. On that note, I've found a possible OA sponsor. If he is able to maintain his abstinence another week and a half he'll start helping me work the 12 steps. I'm excited. He's a believer in Jesus. Tonight he told me something that made me feel much better about my current situation. He said, "Jesus died on the cross so that you don't have to eat yourself to death." Thank God for my salvation and the comfort and solace I can find in Jesus.
April 05, 2012
lessons on money and life
In September 2011 my wife and I realized God wanted us to get our finances in order. He told us He wanted us to live the way it says in the bible: without debt. Since December we've paid off $24,000 in debt. Yesterday we started step 3 of Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. We are very glad to have gotten this far. We now need $10,300 to complete 3.
Since December I've worked no less than 84 hour work weeks. There were times I was so tired from all the overtime and lack of sleep that I felt like a zombie. The only thing that kept me going was the amazing love and support of my God, my wife, and constant prayer. When I'd get into a slump, when I felt I couldn't stay awake another moment I'd take a few minutes to ask for strength and endurance, and to thank God for all He'd done to help me get that far. My wife and my God have carried me through the rough times. And now we're closer than I've ever dreamed we'd be to financial peace!
When God wants me to learn a lesson, He puts me into a situation where I am forced to learn. I don't always like the lesson and I don't always like being taught. I realize God is trying to get through to me. I've been trying to figure out the lesson He's trying to teach me because I'd prefer the lesson to not get any more severe. I've been struggling with my eating disorder a lot recently. A couple weeks ago I fell off the wagon and lost 460 days of abstaining from destructive binge eating. In four and a half days of binge eating my weight shot up from 175 to 202 pounds. This is a common and dangerous problem of mine when I binge eat. A persons kidneys controls their salt and hydration as well as function as a filter. I was eating so much I was overwhelming my kidneys. It wasn't until yesterday that I realized what I've been doing wrong. I became so focused on working and paying off our debt that I gave myself permission to stop going to over eater anonymous meetings, I stopped working the 12 steps, and I stopped calling my sponsor. I'm a addict. I'll always be an addict. On page 33 of the big book it says:
"Most of us have believed if we remained abstinent for a long stretch, we could there after eat normally....once a compulsive over eater always a compulsive over eater. If we are planning to stop destructive eating, there must be no lurking notion that someday we will be immune to food."
I've learned on multiple occasions that when I don't think my compulsive binge eating is a problem, it comes back with a vengeance. I have to realize I'll never be a normal eater. I have to continue working the program & keeping in mind that I am & always will be an addict. I need to take steps daily to keep my addiction in check. I have to follow a food plan, avoid sugar, NEVER eat at buffets, and most importantly I need to walk with God or I will relapse!
Today I've realized I need to continue to work hard on finishing the plan we have addopted from The Total Money Makeover, but I also need to continue staying healthy and working on my problems with food. Today I'm calling my sponsor. I'm going to ask if he's willing to sponsor me again. I'm going to start working the 12 steps again.
This week is the 1st time I've written openly about my eating disorder on my blog. I'm still a little apprehensive and embarrassed to write about my struggles with food and binge eating, but I'm tired of hiding who I am. I'm tired of fighting this addiction alone. "It doesn't take a real man to fight. It takes a real man to reach out his hand."
I'm hoping that others who are struggling with addictions can find some strength and knowledge from my blog by reading about my progress and recovery. Who knows, I might even find some encouragement and support of my own along the way.
Since December I've worked no less than 84 hour work weeks. There were times I was so tired from all the overtime and lack of sleep that I felt like a zombie. The only thing that kept me going was the amazing love and support of my God, my wife, and constant prayer. When I'd get into a slump, when I felt I couldn't stay awake another moment I'd take a few minutes to ask for strength and endurance, and to thank God for all He'd done to help me get that far. My wife and my God have carried me through the rough times. And now we're closer than I've ever dreamed we'd be to financial peace!
When God wants me to learn a lesson, He puts me into a situation where I am forced to learn. I don't always like the lesson and I don't always like being taught. I realize God is trying to get through to me. I've been trying to figure out the lesson He's trying to teach me because I'd prefer the lesson to not get any more severe. I've been struggling with my eating disorder a lot recently. A couple weeks ago I fell off the wagon and lost 460 days of abstaining from destructive binge eating. In four and a half days of binge eating my weight shot up from 175 to 202 pounds. This is a common and dangerous problem of mine when I binge eat. A persons kidneys controls their salt and hydration as well as function as a filter. I was eating so much I was overwhelming my kidneys. It wasn't until yesterday that I realized what I've been doing wrong. I became so focused on working and paying off our debt that I gave myself permission to stop going to over eater anonymous meetings, I stopped working the 12 steps, and I stopped calling my sponsor. I'm a addict. I'll always be an addict. On page 33 of the big book it says:
"Most of us have believed if we remained abstinent for a long stretch, we could there after eat normally....once a compulsive over eater always a compulsive over eater. If we are planning to stop destructive eating, there must be no lurking notion that someday we will be immune to food."
I've learned on multiple occasions that when I don't think my compulsive binge eating is a problem, it comes back with a vengeance. I have to realize I'll never be a normal eater. I have to continue working the program & keeping in mind that I am & always will be an addict. I need to take steps daily to keep my addiction in check. I have to follow a food plan, avoid sugar, NEVER eat at buffets, and most importantly I need to walk with God or I will relapse!
Today I've realized I need to continue to work hard on finishing the plan we have addopted from The Total Money Makeover, but I also need to continue staying healthy and working on my problems with food. Today I'm calling my sponsor. I'm going to ask if he's willing to sponsor me again. I'm going to start working the 12 steps again.
This week is the 1st time I've written openly about my eating disorder on my blog. I'm still a little apprehensive and embarrassed to write about my struggles with food and binge eating, but I'm tired of hiding who I am. I'm tired of fighting this addiction alone. "It doesn't take a real man to fight. It takes a real man to reach out his hand."
I'm hoping that others who are struggling with addictions can find some strength and knowledge from my blog by reading about my progress and recovery. Who knows, I might even find some encouragement and support of my own along the way.
September 22, 2009
recovering from a PR & a new coach
Well, I'm post Redman. I was excited about my new 70.3 PR of 5 hr 30 min. I never dreamed I'd be that fast at that distance, especially considering all the rain, standing water, and mud from flooding on the bike & run course. I realize the biggest reasons for my increased speed was my low body weight- low for me anyways, and great coaching.
My coach is having me take off until Friday, then we'll evaluate how I feel & start training for the Silverman half Iron which is schedualed for Nov 7th. The Silverman is a very hard course with lots of climbing. So low body weight at the Silverman will be even more important than it was for the Redman. I feel I can get to 190-195 by then, & 180-185 by the New year. If I can get to that weight I'm going to race all of 2010 as a 35-39 AG. Racing as an AG, & under 200 pounds for an entire year has always been one of my biggest goals in triathlon. Wish me luck!
I'm ahead in the South West Challenge series. The athlete closest to me in points is a guy named George Ferland. Apparently he's very fast. He's won the Clydesdale division in every race he's competed in the last 2 years. There are 2 races left for the season. Essentially what it boils down to is if he races in either one of the next 2 he will be champion. If He doesn't compete in either of the 2 remaining I win the series. I'll keep you informed.
After the Silverman I'm going to be looking for a new coach. I've been with the coach I have now since the summer of 06. Coach Pete is awesome and he has shown me what nearly perfect triathlon coaching is like. He's good. Very very good, & he knows how good he is. Consequently and understandably he is raising his prices at the new year. I just can't afford to keep him on. $ is the one & only reason I have to get another coach.
I've had bad coaches before. Nothing is more aggravating & disheartening. I had a feeling this was going to happen with Coach Pete, so I'd been keeping my eyes open for other coaches for awhile. If this happened I was planning on hiring a retired pro cyclist by the name of James Webster who coaching here in Alb. Then, after speaking with my current coach this weekend, he told me he has some coaches who have signed on to coach for his company who are outstanding. He also gave me a discount on the coaching he's giving me until the Silverman as an incentive to stay with Mile High Multisport coaching. I'm now unsure what I'll do. 50/50 I guess.
James Webster is a local coach. That's a plus. He made a living from being a pro endurance athlete, the knowledge he'd have to offer based on his life experiences in pro cycling would be priceless. He returns phone calls very quickly, the negative side of him is that the times I emailed him, he took a long time to respond or never responded at all. Although I must point out I wasn't his paying athlete, so a slow response is understandable to a point. The other negative side of James is that he & his triathlon club has a pretty serious blood feud going on with mine. My tiathlon team, the NM Outlaws have always been such a supportive & kind group of people, I am unwilling to leave the NM Outlaws. I doubt James would be willing to coach me if I refused to join his team & race for "the enemy".
I trust my current coach whole hearted. If he says the coaches he has working for him are good I believe him. He'll also be over seeing the coaches under him, so I'll still have Coach Pete there giving advise to my new coach, explaining my strengths & weaknesses & how best to deal with them. There is also the fact that I have some serious food issues that coach Pete has been very patient with. I'm unwilling to tolerate someone saying something stupid & inconsiderate like "just be more mindful about what your putting in your mouth".
For right now I don't know which way I'll go for a new coach. I'll keep you informed.
Thanks for tuning in.
My coach is having me take off until Friday, then we'll evaluate how I feel & start training for the Silverman half Iron which is schedualed for Nov 7th. The Silverman is a very hard course with lots of climbing. So low body weight at the Silverman will be even more important than it was for the Redman. I feel I can get to 190-195 by then, & 180-185 by the New year. If I can get to that weight I'm going to race all of 2010 as a 35-39 AG. Racing as an AG, & under 200 pounds for an entire year has always been one of my biggest goals in triathlon. Wish me luck!
I'm ahead in the South West Challenge series. The athlete closest to me in points is a guy named George Ferland. Apparently he's very fast. He's won the Clydesdale division in every race he's competed in the last 2 years. There are 2 races left for the season. Essentially what it boils down to is if he races in either one of the next 2 he will be champion. If He doesn't compete in either of the 2 remaining I win the series. I'll keep you informed.
After the Silverman I'm going to be looking for a new coach. I've been with the coach I have now since the summer of 06. Coach Pete is awesome and he has shown me what nearly perfect triathlon coaching is like. He's good. Very very good, & he knows how good he is. Consequently and understandably he is raising his prices at the new year. I just can't afford to keep him on. $ is the one & only reason I have to get another coach.
I've had bad coaches before. Nothing is more aggravating & disheartening. I had a feeling this was going to happen with Coach Pete, so I'd been keeping my eyes open for other coaches for awhile. If this happened I was planning on hiring a retired pro cyclist by the name of James Webster who coaching here in Alb. Then, after speaking with my current coach this weekend, he told me he has some coaches who have signed on to coach for his company who are outstanding. He also gave me a discount on the coaching he's giving me until the Silverman as an incentive to stay with Mile High Multisport coaching. I'm now unsure what I'll do. 50/50 I guess.
James Webster is a local coach. That's a plus. He made a living from being a pro endurance athlete, the knowledge he'd have to offer based on his life experiences in pro cycling would be priceless. He returns phone calls very quickly, the negative side of him is that the times I emailed him, he took a long time to respond or never responded at all. Although I must point out I wasn't his paying athlete, so a slow response is understandable to a point. The other negative side of James is that he & his triathlon club has a pretty serious blood feud going on with mine. My tiathlon team, the NM Outlaws have always been such a supportive & kind group of people, I am unwilling to leave the NM Outlaws. I doubt James would be willing to coach me if I refused to join his team & race for "the enemy".
I trust my current coach whole hearted. If he says the coaches he has working for him are good I believe him. He'll also be over seeing the coaches under him, so I'll still have Coach Pete there giving advise to my new coach, explaining my strengths & weaknesses & how best to deal with them. There is also the fact that I have some serious food issues that coach Pete has been very patient with. I'm unwilling to tolerate someone saying something stupid & inconsiderate like "just be more mindful about what your putting in your mouth".
For right now I don't know which way I'll go for a new coach. I'll keep you informed.
Thanks for tuning in.
September 15, 2009
Cochiti swim, great support, & my dang weight issue!
Today I took my family to Cochiti lake. My wife & I had a picnic & played with our babies. After that I put on my wet suit & did some open water swimming. I felt fast & comfortable. Much more so than any other open water swim I've ever done. Part of that is I'm 27 pounds lighter than my normal race weight. I fit in my wet suit better so I don't feel like I'm being squeezed to death by a boa constrictor. The major reason I felt so comfortable in the water is I'm swimming consistently for the first time in my triathlon career. Imagine that!
I am dieing to find out how far it was from the shore line at the swim area, out to the buoy on the far left, following along the outside of the boat buoy's, until the far right shore line. If anyone knows please let me in on the secret.
I'm so very grateful for the support system I have in life & in triathlon. I've fallen off the diet wagon for the last 3 days. It started on my first full day of vacation. Celebration is a big food trigger for me. I'm sure excitement about my up coming race is also a huge contributing factor also.
On of the first motivators for me to stop overeating was today I drove to Alb & picked up my bike from JusMe. He cleaned & tuned up my bike. He even took off the race numbers I'd left on my bike from the last year of racing! As soon as I saw my tri-machine looking completely clean & ready to roll I got motivated to race! And who can race fat? Not me!
The other big help was a great guy & blogger was in town for work. I got to hang with him, talk triathlon, & even watch an episode of The biggest Loser. While here he talked to me about triathlon racing & our issues with weight. He helped me realize I'll never be cured. I can't be perfect ALL of the time. But I can be perfect %85 of the time. I was beginning to feel after 3 days all was lost & I was on the downward slide. But like JusMe says,"it's not a road without some bumps along the way".
I'm bound to get knocked on my butt on from time to time. That doesn't make my journey to becoming an ultra-thin, ultra endurance triathlete a failure. & failing at accomplishing that goal wouldn't even make me a failure. I'm a success at what's most important to me, being a follower of Christ, a father, & a husband. 10 years ago I wouldn't have thought I could be worth 2 shakes of a dogs tail at any of those things. But I am.
Giving up on my weight loss goal would mean I had stopped trying. & I don't believe I have any quit in me. I'm a stubborn, hard working, dedicated man in all things. Diet just seems to be the one area I'm going to have to get up & dust myself off from most often. & tomorrow I'm going to do just that. For tomorrow I WILL be a success. I will be back on the wagon. I will eventually fall off again. I know that, but I will continue to get up as many times as it takes to succeed at becoming the triathlete I so desperately desire to be.... a thin one.
I am dieing to find out how far it was from the shore line at the swim area, out to the buoy on the far left, following along the outside of the boat buoy's, until the far right shore line. If anyone knows please let me in on the secret.
I'm so very grateful for the support system I have in life & in triathlon. I've fallen off the diet wagon for the last 3 days. It started on my first full day of vacation. Celebration is a big food trigger for me. I'm sure excitement about my up coming race is also a huge contributing factor also.
On of the first motivators for me to stop overeating was today I drove to Alb & picked up my bike from JusMe. He cleaned & tuned up my bike. He even took off the race numbers I'd left on my bike from the last year of racing! As soon as I saw my tri-machine looking completely clean & ready to roll I got motivated to race! And who can race fat? Not me!
The other big help was a great guy & blogger was in town for work. I got to hang with him, talk triathlon, & even watch an episode of The biggest Loser. While here he talked to me about triathlon racing & our issues with weight. He helped me realize I'll never be cured. I can't be perfect ALL of the time. But I can be perfect %85 of the time. I was beginning to feel after 3 days all was lost & I was on the downward slide. But like JusMe says,"it's not a road without some bumps along the way".
I'm bound to get knocked on my butt on from time to time. That doesn't make my journey to becoming an ultra-thin, ultra endurance triathlete a failure. & failing at accomplishing that goal wouldn't even make me a failure. I'm a success at what's most important to me, being a follower of Christ, a father, & a husband. 10 years ago I wouldn't have thought I could be worth 2 shakes of a dogs tail at any of those things. But I am.
Giving up on my weight loss goal would mean I had stopped trying. & I don't believe I have any quit in me. I'm a stubborn, hard working, dedicated man in all things. Diet just seems to be the one area I'm going to have to get up & dust myself off from most often. & tomorrow I'm going to do just that. For tomorrow I WILL be a success. I will be back on the wagon. I will eventually fall off again. I know that, but I will continue to get up as many times as it takes to succeed at becoming the triathlete I so desperately desire to be.... a thin one.
August 26, 2009
that's a first!
I woke today wanting to eat, needing to binge. That same old story for me. Its never easy getting so close to a goal (185-195 pounds) & seeing it, in one single day start to slip away so quickly. That is exactly what has always happened to me once I get near or at my goal race weight. There is a clear difference in the way a craving feels & an upcoming food binge feels. Once I feel a binge coming on I've never once been able to avoid it. Worst of all is that it takes weeks or months to get pointed back in the right direction.
When I woke up today I needed to EAT, & it wasn't just a food craving, it was a binge. I adjusted my DietPower from having me lose 2 pounds a week, to a maintenance diet. That gave me 1000 calories a day more to eat, plus whatever I may earn in working out. I ate a good breakfast with lots of water, some coffee, & a bit more fat than I usually would have. Through trial & error I have learned moderate amounts of fat help satisfy cravings & bad food tendencies. Having coffee helps too, not sure why, but it most definitely does. & obviously water helps because the body can confuse dehydration & hunger (great advise Misty, thanks). After the first meal my cravings subsided, not much but at least I didn't feel like eating EVERYTHING!
I did the same thing for lunch. I ate what I was craving, which was 2 egg sandwiches with mayonnaise on whole wheat bread. I also had a bunch of water & a diet Mountain Dew. Not the best meal for an endurance athlete, but my goal today was to right the ship, not eat the perfectly designed athletic recovery meal here. Now, did you notice I was able to stop at 2 sandwiches? The list of foods I ate doesn't go on for half a page here!!!!Shortly after lunch I felt almost no cravings at all. By golly I did it!!!!!! I'm still on track to getting to 195. Perhaps even 185!!!!! This is the first time I was able to stop the evil downward spiral! HURAY!!!!!!!! Good for me, bad for competing Clydesdales everywhere:)
When I woke up today I needed to EAT, & it wasn't just a food craving, it was a binge. I adjusted my DietPower from having me lose 2 pounds a week, to a maintenance diet. That gave me 1000 calories a day more to eat, plus whatever I may earn in working out. I ate a good breakfast with lots of water, some coffee, & a bit more fat than I usually would have. Through trial & error I have learned moderate amounts of fat help satisfy cravings & bad food tendencies. Having coffee helps too, not sure why, but it most definitely does. & obviously water helps because the body can confuse dehydration & hunger (great advise Misty, thanks). After the first meal my cravings subsided, not much but at least I didn't feel like eating EVERYTHING!
I did the same thing for lunch. I ate what I was craving, which was 2 egg sandwiches with mayonnaise on whole wheat bread. I also had a bunch of water & a diet Mountain Dew. Not the best meal for an endurance athlete, but my goal today was to right the ship, not eat the perfectly designed athletic recovery meal here. Now, did you notice I was able to stop at 2 sandwiches? The list of foods I ate doesn't go on for half a page here!!!!Shortly after lunch I felt almost no cravings at all. By golly I did it!!!!!! I'm still on track to getting to 195. Perhaps even 185!!!!! This is the first time I was able to stop the evil downward spiral! HURAY!!!!!!!! Good for me, bad for competing Clydesdales everywhere:)
reevaluating my goals & the beginning of a family tradition
This Sunday I got the worst stomach flue I've ever had. I'll save you the gruesome details but along with the usual problems it also came with horrid cold shivers, the sweats, and aches all over. Although I'm well enough now to go to work, my stomach still gets upset if I eat anything other than bland foods. Most people would lose weight under those circumstances. Not me. I have to avoid foods like saltine crackers, Nila Wafers, & Graham Crackers because those are my comfort/binge foods. Even when I'm struggling to keep food down due to sickness I can still eat enough of them to gain weight, & today marks the third day of me being unable to eat anything but my kryptonite foods. Before I got sick I was 205, now I'm afraid to get on the scale for fear of what I'll see.
The good news is I feel motivated to start eating healthy again as soon as my stomach can tolerate it- tomorrow, hopefully. The desire to eat well comes as a relief to me. This is only the third time I've been at or below 205 since starting to compete in triathlons.When I'm at or below 205 pounds I'm very fast. Last September weighing 204 I qualified for the Half Max National Championships, something I had never even dreamed I could accomplish.
It's always some minor bump in the road such as this weekend that knocks me off the diet wagon. I've been on a roll continuously dropping weight the last few months. This will be my first true test of whether I can right the ship. I'm hoping & praying to God I can. The Red Man Half Iron is in 3 weeks & next year I'm planning on having "my year to remember", the kind of year I could sit around & tell my Grand kids about. That happening hinges upon whether I can stop the momentum of eating my comfort foods, it depends on whether the stress of being unable to be in complete control of my diet has started the landslide I've been all to often unable to control, it depends on whether I can stay on the diet wagon PLUS lose another 1o pounds after that.
The usual weight my body tends to want to maintain even with the high amounts of miles I log each week swimming, biking, & running is 227. My (new) goal is to race at no more than 195 all of 2010, but he truth be known I'd rather be at 185.
During this struggle I have had of loving ultra endurance triathlons, having a slow metabolism, & a tendency to eat for emotional support I've noticed a pattern. The lower I get my body weight, the more of a struggle it is to maintain that weight. If you frequent my blog you may have noticed my goals have changed. I had hoped of racing all of 2010 at 185 pounds, and dreamed of 175. Not anymore. I'm unsure, shaken to the bone. I keep thinking to myself,"how can this be happening AGAIN?". When in fact I don't yet know if it has.
I've dropped to my dream weight two other times. Each time I reached my goal weight I self destructed. I'm praying to God the combination of having lost weight much more slowly this time, having more knowledge of the nutritional needs of endurance athletics, & having a goal that isn't as strict will keep me on the right track this time. Or, perhaps I'm just fooling myself.
All of next years dreams, aspirations, & desires are dependant upon what I'm able to accomplish tomorrow with my eating. This time I have prepared myself with a contingency plan. This time when I start to feel myself crave foods &/or eating, I wouldn't just keep plugging along trying to ignore it like I had in the past, hoping the desire would go away on it's own. It never does. I always knew it wouldn't. "Failure to plan is planning to fail". This time I have planned that if at any time I feel like I am going to fall off the wagon, I'd go to a maintenance diet. Trying to maintain my weight rather than lose 2 pounds a week gives me an extra 1000 calories a day to eat & enjoy. That new plan, hopefully, starts tomorrow. So I guess you can tune in here to get the uncensored version of my eminent success or failure.
This year I planted a garden. Sunflowers, tomatoes, cantaloupe, green chili, jalapenos, yellow peppers, zucchini, grapes, & rhubarb. Fast forward to when the plants start to sprout, the zucchini looks nothing like a zucchini should. Once it's fruit stated to grow I though it was a watermelon. It wasn't until later I realized it's a pumpkin plant.
My wife & I are expecting baby #3 (if it's up to me it wont be our last) in October, so growing pumpkins this year seems appropriate. I have come to the conclusion that growing pumpkins every year would make a great family tradition to start on the year our October baby is due!
LOL. This is the life & times of a Christian triathlete, a father, & a husband of the woman I've always dreamed of. Who could have known all that would of resulted in so much time spent training, dieting, & chasing so many children:)
The good news is I feel motivated to start eating healthy again as soon as my stomach can tolerate it- tomorrow, hopefully. The desire to eat well comes as a relief to me. This is only the third time I've been at or below 205 since starting to compete in triathlons.When I'm at or below 205 pounds I'm very fast. Last September weighing 204 I qualified for the Half Max National Championships, something I had never even dreamed I could accomplish.
It's always some minor bump in the road such as this weekend that knocks me off the diet wagon. I've been on a roll continuously dropping weight the last few months. This will be my first true test of whether I can right the ship. I'm hoping & praying to God I can. The Red Man Half Iron is in 3 weeks & next year I'm planning on having "my year to remember", the kind of year I could sit around & tell my Grand kids about. That happening hinges upon whether I can stop the momentum of eating my comfort foods, it depends on whether the stress of being unable to be in complete control of my diet has started the landslide I've been all to often unable to control, it depends on whether I can stay on the diet wagon PLUS lose another 1o pounds after that.
The usual weight my body tends to want to maintain even with the high amounts of miles I log each week swimming, biking, & running is 227. My (new) goal is to race at no more than 195 all of 2010, but he truth be known I'd rather be at 185.
During this struggle I have had of loving ultra endurance triathlons, having a slow metabolism, & a tendency to eat for emotional support I've noticed a pattern. The lower I get my body weight, the more of a struggle it is to maintain that weight. If you frequent my blog you may have noticed my goals have changed. I had hoped of racing all of 2010 at 185 pounds, and dreamed of 175. Not anymore. I'm unsure, shaken to the bone. I keep thinking to myself,"how can this be happening AGAIN?". When in fact I don't yet know if it has.
I've dropped to my dream weight two other times. Each time I reached my goal weight I self destructed. I'm praying to God the combination of having lost weight much more slowly this time, having more knowledge of the nutritional needs of endurance athletics, & having a goal that isn't as strict will keep me on the right track this time. Or, perhaps I'm just fooling myself.
All of next years dreams, aspirations, & desires are dependant upon what I'm able to accomplish tomorrow with my eating. This time I have prepared myself with a contingency plan. This time when I start to feel myself crave foods &/or eating, I wouldn't just keep plugging along trying to ignore it like I had in the past, hoping the desire would go away on it's own. It never does. I always knew it wouldn't. "Failure to plan is planning to fail". This time I have planned that if at any time I feel like I am going to fall off the wagon, I'd go to a maintenance diet. Trying to maintain my weight rather than lose 2 pounds a week gives me an extra 1000 calories a day to eat & enjoy. That new plan, hopefully, starts tomorrow. So I guess you can tune in here to get the uncensored version of my eminent success or failure.
This year I planted a garden. Sunflowers, tomatoes, cantaloupe, green chili, jalapenos, yellow peppers, zucchini, grapes, & rhubarb. Fast forward to when the plants start to sprout, the zucchini looks nothing like a zucchini should. Once it's fruit stated to grow I though it was a watermelon. It wasn't until later I realized it's a pumpkin plant.
My wife & I are expecting baby #3 (if it's up to me it wont be our last) in October, so growing pumpkins this year seems appropriate. I have come to the conclusion that growing pumpkins every year would make a great family tradition to start on the year our October baby is due!
LOL. This is the life & times of a Christian triathlete, a father, & a husband of the woman I've always dreamed of. Who could have known all that would of resulted in so much time spent training, dieting, & chasing so many children:)
November 12, 2008
Diet motivation & work update
At church on Sunday a great sermon was preached by an elder while our Pastor is hunting with his eldest children. It was an outstanding sermon. I really love my church.
That Sunday was what I call "a bad day". I was out of control with my eating. I had a McDonald's breakfast, nothing good ever comes from the golden arches. During the sermon I was thinking about what I was going to eat before I went to sleep (I work nights, sleep at day). My food fantasies was interrupted by a fellow church member coming up to me & sharing with me that she hadn't had any candy in over a week! This same fellow Christian told me a couple weeks ago that she had found my blog & had felt my pain about dieting. She said she too has been struggling with her weight & that she found occasional motivation & support from reading my blog. I was speechless and touched. For someone to tell me my blog was helping them in their life even a little bit felt great. When I blog I do it as a way to express myself, as a stress relief, & sometimes even to brag a little;) To find out that my blog helped another was wonderful. To wonderful to put into words.
But back to how this time she helped me. As I'd said, I was having a bad diet day. My bad diet days are not what a person without an eating disorder could really understand. Overeating only partially explains what is happening to someone with my problem. The eating is only part of the problem. It's an addiction. Even when I'm full & couldn't eat another bite I'm only thinking of what other kind of a fix I could get, where, & how quickly. What would hit the spot, or fulfill my craving. No matter what I put in my mouth I don't feel the satisfaction most people get. Obsessed is the only word I can think of that can explain the deep rooted desire. I get truly obsessed about what I will eat, what would taste great right now, how much I'll have of each food, in what combinations, and so forth. Once I get into my overeating mode it's very very hard to get out of it. It would be humiliating to have someone see what I an doing so when I become enthralled in my food lusts I isolate myself from everyone. I'll sneak food into the bathroom or somewhere I can eat without being embarrassed or, even worse interrupted or made to slow down. I'll tell my wife or whomever I'm around I'm going to do some chores & I'll hit multiple places to eat. I'll get my favorite foods from each place I stop or drive through. I tried to explain this to my best buddy one time & he told me next time that I want to do that just stop! If I could stop during one of my episodes, I would because I really despise myself when I'm stuck in a binge. There's rarely anything that can stop or slow down one of my episodes. But that morning my fellow church member did just that. I'd be lying to say I stopped it all together. But she inadvertently was able to get me to minimize it quite a bit. Still had a lot of calories. But it was a FRACTION of what I would of done if it wasn't for her sharing with me her accomplishment & the high five she gave me. God helped me through her that day.
I put in for Sergeant at work like I had said I was going to. I don't really want the promotion because I love the position I'm in right now, & to be honest I'm secretly hoping I won't get it. I'm hoping there will be more highly qualified people putting in for it. The list of people putting in for the position is good for 12 months. So any Sergeant spots that open up here at the State Penitentiary for 1 year will be filled with the highest scoring person left on the list. The last 2 times this position was opened the list was completely exhausted. The most recent time, if I would have put in for Sergeant I would of been #2 in seniority. The good news is this time there are 5 people with more seniority than me! The bad news is there are already 8 Sergeant positions available. Immediately after the first round of Sergeant promotions the Penitentiary will be promoting any Sergeants who qualify for the Lieutenant spot, which opens up even more Sergeant positions. There are also quite a few Sergeants & Lieutenants who will be retiring in the next 12 months, which you guessed it, opens up even more spots!I know it sounds ridiculous that I'm putting in for a promotion & hoping I wont get it. It boils down to there being a lot more reasons to get the higher rank than to stay where I am. There's only one reason to stay where I am right now. 2 if you include complacency. The other is simply that I like my current post & position. The reasons to take the promotion is longer. I'll just list the major ones to make it easier reading.
1) If I make Sergeant I'll be back in the cell blocks & will have more opportunities to share Gods word with some people in much need of it.
2) I'll have to work less overtime to make the same amount of pay, so I'll have more time at home with my children
3) I only have 8 years left at the State Penitentiary before I can retire. But I'll have a higher pay grade in retirement for the rest of my life if I take the promotion.
Well, the written & oral board will be conducted in January or February. I'll let you know how it goes. Wish me luck, or bad luck. I'd be happy to have either one;)
One thing I have learned from today's post, even after 13 years I still can't spell Penitentiary. Thank goodness for spell check;)
That Sunday was what I call "a bad day". I was out of control with my eating. I had a McDonald's breakfast, nothing good ever comes from the golden arches. During the sermon I was thinking about what I was going to eat before I went to sleep (I work nights, sleep at day). My food fantasies was interrupted by a fellow church member coming up to me & sharing with me that she hadn't had any candy in over a week! This same fellow Christian told me a couple weeks ago that she had found my blog & had felt my pain about dieting. She said she too has been struggling with her weight & that she found occasional motivation & support from reading my blog. I was speechless and touched. For someone to tell me my blog was helping them in their life even a little bit felt great. When I blog I do it as a way to express myself, as a stress relief, & sometimes even to brag a little;) To find out that my blog helped another was wonderful. To wonderful to put into words.
But back to how this time she helped me. As I'd said, I was having a bad diet day. My bad diet days are not what a person without an eating disorder could really understand. Overeating only partially explains what is happening to someone with my problem. The eating is only part of the problem. It's an addiction. Even when I'm full & couldn't eat another bite I'm only thinking of what other kind of a fix I could get, where, & how quickly. What would hit the spot, or fulfill my craving. No matter what I put in my mouth I don't feel the satisfaction most people get. Obsessed is the only word I can think of that can explain the deep rooted desire. I get truly obsessed about what I will eat, what would taste great right now, how much I'll have of each food, in what combinations, and so forth. Once I get into my overeating mode it's very very hard to get out of it. It would be humiliating to have someone see what I an doing so when I become enthralled in my food lusts I isolate myself from everyone. I'll sneak food into the bathroom or somewhere I can eat without being embarrassed or, even worse interrupted or made to slow down. I'll tell my wife or whomever I'm around I'm going to do some chores & I'll hit multiple places to eat. I'll get my favorite foods from each place I stop or drive through. I tried to explain this to my best buddy one time & he told me next time that I want to do that just stop! If I could stop during one of my episodes, I would because I really despise myself when I'm stuck in a binge. There's rarely anything that can stop or slow down one of my episodes. But that morning my fellow church member did just that. I'd be lying to say I stopped it all together. But she inadvertently was able to get me to minimize it quite a bit. Still had a lot of calories. But it was a FRACTION of what I would of done if it wasn't for her sharing with me her accomplishment & the high five she gave me. God helped me through her that day.
I put in for Sergeant at work like I had said I was going to. I don't really want the promotion because I love the position I'm in right now, & to be honest I'm secretly hoping I won't get it. I'm hoping there will be more highly qualified people putting in for it. The list of people putting in for the position is good for 12 months. So any Sergeant spots that open up here at the State Penitentiary for 1 year will be filled with the highest scoring person left on the list. The last 2 times this position was opened the list was completely exhausted. The most recent time, if I would have put in for Sergeant I would of been #2 in seniority. The good news is this time there are 5 people with more seniority than me! The bad news is there are already 8 Sergeant positions available. Immediately after the first round of Sergeant promotions the Penitentiary will be promoting any Sergeants who qualify for the Lieutenant spot, which opens up even more Sergeant positions. There are also quite a few Sergeants & Lieutenants who will be retiring in the next 12 months, which you guessed it, opens up even more spots!I know it sounds ridiculous that I'm putting in for a promotion & hoping I wont get it. It boils down to there being a lot more reasons to get the higher rank than to stay where I am. There's only one reason to stay where I am right now. 2 if you include complacency. The other is simply that I like my current post & position. The reasons to take the promotion is longer. I'll just list the major ones to make it easier reading.
1) If I make Sergeant I'll be back in the cell blocks & will have more opportunities to share Gods word with some people in much need of it.
2) I'll have to work less overtime to make the same amount of pay, so I'll have more time at home with my children
3) I only have 8 years left at the State Penitentiary before I can retire. But I'll have a higher pay grade in retirement for the rest of my life if I take the promotion.
Well, the written & oral board will be conducted in January or February. I'll let you know how it goes. Wish me luck, or bad luck. I'd be happy to have either one;)
One thing I have learned from today's post, even after 13 years I still can't spell Penitentiary. Thank goodness for spell check;)
October 21, 2008
A good week
Yesterday was the last day of a recovery week, or rest & test week as we triathletes call it. I feel great for the first time since early Sept. I was thinking about what could have caused such a drastic downward spiral the past couple months. I had been training & responding better from last November until this August than I have in 5.5 years of training & racing in triathlon. I've come up with 2 reasons. During the recovery weeks I'd had in the last couple months I had been sick. So I think my body was trying to fight off a sickness, thus was unable to heal my body from the intense training. I believe I was in the trows of overtraining. This is the first week I've felt great in 2 months. I feel better both mentally & physically. A depression I'd been feeling since uly has finally started to lift. I am glad to say, I really do feel great.
I believe the other, & biggest reason for me feeling better is that I have recently been leaning on God very heavily. Everyday before work I have been reading 1-2 chapters from the bible. I'm currently in chapter 3 of Luke. I've been praying more than I had been in a very long time. & I believe that has led to the improvements in my well being. God rewards his followers faithfulness. I've been praying for God to help with my depression. & especially this week, He has helped me feel happy again.
One of the things I've been praying for in the overall scheme of life truly is unimportant. I've been praying for God to help me with my eating/weight issues. As most of the readers of my blog know, I have MAJOR food issues. Much like a drug addict will turn to their drug of choice when they are stressed, sad, or have any kind of emotional stress. I turn to food. Most people turn to food for comfort a little. But to the degree I do it, there's no doubt there's a serious addiction problem going on. Thank goodness my addiction is food, because if I turned to alcohol to the degree I turn to food there's no doubt I'd of died of alcohol poisoning long ago. This last couple of weeks I haven't binged once. That feels great to be able to write. I HAVEN'T BINGED ONCE IN OVER 2 WEEKS! First time since late June that I could say that. Since July I had gone from 188 pounds to 2 weeks ago being a thick & miserable 217. I'm not currently dieting at all. An athlete should never try & lose weight before a big "A" race (Ironman Arizona, the biggest race of my life is now only 1 month & 3 days away). But since I've
started praying more I've dropped 8 pounds. I'm currently at 209. God knows me, & He chooses to help me in my fight with the bulge even though that particular concern really is frivolous in the grand scheme of things.
In church on Sunday my pastor told us he is starting a blog. His blog is now listed in My "blogs I follow" list. It is called A Glory Hunter. I found another blog yesterday while online that I am very excited about reading. It's written by Mark W Jr. He's a guy I've looked up to for many years. He's been very devoted in his walk with Christ for as long as I've known him. He's been an inspiration in my life since I found God back in 1999. What's so amazing about this guy is he's only 20, yet for 9 years he's been one of the best examples to me of what kind of a person I'd like to be. Faithful & strong in his walk with God. Always setting an example by his actions. Works tirelessly in helping others walk with the Lord. His blog is called One Thirst. Mark is in the army, & is currently deployed in a war zone right now. In the last 3 weeks his unit has had direct hits twice by mortar attacks. Many of the soldiers in his unit have died in thew last 3 weeks. Any out there who may read this, please please pray for him, the troops of his unit, & their families.
Thank you for tuning in. & SWtri gal, Iron Outlaw, the Clyeologist, & Boots Wiggins, I just wanted to thank you again for your support & words of encouragement the last month. They helped more than you could know.
Peace!
I believe the other, & biggest reason for me feeling better is that I have recently been leaning on God very heavily. Everyday before work I have been reading 1-2 chapters from the bible. I'm currently in chapter 3 of Luke. I've been praying more than I had been in a very long time. & I believe that has led to the improvements in my well being. God rewards his followers faithfulness. I've been praying for God to help with my depression. & especially this week, He has helped me feel happy again.
One of the things I've been praying for in the overall scheme of life truly is unimportant. I've been praying for God to help me with my eating/weight issues. As most of the readers of my blog know, I have MAJOR food issues. Much like a drug addict will turn to their drug of choice when they are stressed, sad, or have any kind of emotional stress. I turn to food. Most people turn to food for comfort a little. But to the degree I do it, there's no doubt there's a serious addiction problem going on. Thank goodness my addiction is food, because if I turned to alcohol to the degree I turn to food there's no doubt I'd of died of alcohol poisoning long ago. This last couple of weeks I haven't binged once. That feels great to be able to write. I HAVEN'T BINGED ONCE IN OVER 2 WEEKS! First time since late June that I could say that. Since July I had gone from 188 pounds to 2 weeks ago being a thick & miserable 217. I'm not currently dieting at all. An athlete should never try & lose weight before a big "A" race (Ironman Arizona, the biggest race of my life is now only 1 month & 3 days away). But since I've
started praying more I've dropped 8 pounds. I'm currently at 209. God knows me, & He chooses to help me in my fight with the bulge even though that particular concern really is frivolous in the grand scheme of things.
In church on Sunday my pastor told us he is starting a blog. His blog is now listed in My "blogs I follow" list. It is called A Glory Hunter. I found another blog yesterday while online that I am very excited about reading. It's written by Mark W Jr. He's a guy I've looked up to for many years. He's been very devoted in his walk with Christ for as long as I've known him. He's been an inspiration in my life since I found God back in 1999. What's so amazing about this guy is he's only 20, yet for 9 years he's been one of the best examples to me of what kind of a person I'd like to be. Faithful & strong in his walk with God. Always setting an example by his actions. Works tirelessly in helping others walk with the Lord. His blog is called One Thirst. Mark is in the army, & is currently deployed in a war zone right now. In the last 3 weeks his unit has had direct hits twice by mortar attacks. Many of the soldiers in his unit have died in thew last 3 weeks. Any out there who may read this, please please pray for him, the troops of his unit, & their families.
Thank you for tuning in. & SWtri gal, Iron Outlaw, the Clyeologist, & Boots Wiggins, I just wanted to thank you again for your support & words of encouragement the last month. They helped more than you could know.
Peace!
October 06, 2008
On the up & up
I haven't blogged for awhile. Usually when I don't write in my blog it's because things have fallen apart in one form or another. I'm usually an optimistic person. So when I'm doing well, or planning on doing well I'll blog to share the excitement. I wasn't doing well. But I'm back on track now.
In early Sept I wrecked my new Cannondale carbon slice triathlon bike. I still haven't gotten it back from the bike shop yet. How long does it take to order & put on a new fork? Somehow I doubt it takes an entire month.
After the wreck I missed about a week of training while healing up the nicks & bruises. A couple days before I was ready to train again I got sick It was just a flue. But dang this was a kicker! On average I only get sick about once a year. It's usually a stomach virus, & it's usually during a big training block. Other than that one stomach virus a year I don't usually catch anything at all. As a matter of a fact I believe it's been almost 4 years since I got the flue. This one made up for it. I was down & out! It stuck around for a good 3 weeks. I missed another one & a half weeks training from sickness. Total time training lost was 2.5 weeks.
Late August I started to get depressed. That's very unusual for me. I don't get down in the dumps very often. I suppose because I'm always expecting things to get better, & since I'm always looking foreword to what tomorrow may bring, that by the time I realize I'm depressed I'm usually pretty deep into it. Last week I was having a hard time even getting out of bed. I'd missed more workouts this month than in any month in 5 years of me training for triathlon.
Some of the reasons for my emotional state was me missing my Dad who died in July.
Worry over my Mom, who isn't handling his death well. She tends to dive head first into projects, keeping herself busy enough that she won't have time to feel, much less heal. Which explained her heart attack in July.
My biggest reason for my emotional downer was that I've been missing my 2 children. I've been working 72-86 hrs a week since last Oct when my wife quite her job to be a stay at home Mom. I went from having 3 days at home with my babies while my wife was at work to only seeing them a couple hrs a day between shifts. That's been hard. Really hard. In the last year I've watched my daughter go from a complete Daddy's girl to wanting her Mom most of the time. That's understandable considering my wife is now there all of the time to give her the love & attention she needs. I'd do anything to go back to the way things were with my children. But to do that I'd have to break my wife's heart by having her go back to work again. One of the steps I've decided to do to help our financial situation is something I have been avoiding for 13 years of me working here at the new Mexico state Penitentiary. I'm going to put in for Sergeant. Call me content or complacent. Same thing I suppose. But I've always enjoyed my job so much that I didn't want to promote in fear that I'd end up hating my job like most every other person I've ever known. Given the choice between being content with my job or more time with my babies I'll choose more time with my children.
Now for the good news. My wife & I paid off our house last month so that means I can work a little less. Instead of working 70-80 hrs a week I'll only have to work 60 hrs a week to make our minimum bills. That's more time home with my kids, not as much as I'd like. But I'll take what I can get.
Since July I've gained 29 pounds. I went from a fast & slim 188 back up to a 217 pound Clydesdale. Jeez, it took a lot of effort to get from 257 last Nov to 188 this June. Half of that work on weight loss disappeared in 3 months time. Very disappointing. In June I had a 6 pack. No 6 pack now that's for sure.
My coach Pete Alfino wrote me an email a couple weeks ago. I wish I'd of kept it because it was very insightful. To sum it up he said I am way to hard on myself when things start to slip a little in training. I thought about what he said & I had a realization. During every build phase I've done just before my years "A" race I've gained between 30-50 pounds. Every time I start getting close to an A race I beat myself up if I miss a workout, or have a bad day training. When I get stressed I turn to food. When I turn to food I get pissed because I know I'm putting my A race in jeopardy by gaining weight. In turn the weight gain pisses me off and I turn to food to find temporary comfort. It had been a big snowball effect. That snow ball is the reason that after 5 years of training & 2 failed attempts I'm still not an Ironman.
I know, I know. I should of realized this pattern awhile ago. Not sure why I didn't see the pattern before. But regardless, I now know. I believe knowing what was happening & why will help me deal with this in the future. Perhaps I won't be able to completely stop the weight gain during every build phase. But I'd be willing to bet this knowledge will help slow the fat tide dramatically.
Since this realization my attitude has completely turned around. Since my attitude about working out has gotten better my workouts have gotten better again too. I've not gained weight this week for the first time since June.
So now I can start spending a little more time with my children & my triathlon training has gotten back on track. Things are better. Now if I could just get my triathlon bike back from Bike World in Albuquerque.
Thanks for being a part of my gripe fest. If you don't hear from me on my blog in the next couple weeks you'll know this turn for the good didn't continue. Hopefully I'll post again soon. Peace! I'm out.
In early Sept I wrecked my new Cannondale carbon slice triathlon bike. I still haven't gotten it back from the bike shop yet. How long does it take to order & put on a new fork? Somehow I doubt it takes an entire month.
After the wreck I missed about a week of training while healing up the nicks & bruises. A couple days before I was ready to train again I got sick It was just a flue. But dang this was a kicker! On average I only get sick about once a year. It's usually a stomach virus, & it's usually during a big training block. Other than that one stomach virus a year I don't usually catch anything at all. As a matter of a fact I believe it's been almost 4 years since I got the flue. This one made up for it. I was down & out! It stuck around for a good 3 weeks. I missed another one & a half weeks training from sickness. Total time training lost was 2.5 weeks.
Late August I started to get depressed. That's very unusual for me. I don't get down in the dumps very often. I suppose because I'm always expecting things to get better, & since I'm always looking foreword to what tomorrow may bring, that by the time I realize I'm depressed I'm usually pretty deep into it. Last week I was having a hard time even getting out of bed. I'd missed more workouts this month than in any month in 5 years of me training for triathlon.
Some of the reasons for my emotional state was me missing my Dad who died in July.
Worry over my Mom, who isn't handling his death well. She tends to dive head first into projects, keeping herself busy enough that she won't have time to feel, much less heal. Which explained her heart attack in July.
My biggest reason for my emotional downer was that I've been missing my 2 children. I've been working 72-86 hrs a week since last Oct when my wife quite her job to be a stay at home Mom. I went from having 3 days at home with my babies while my wife was at work to only seeing them a couple hrs a day between shifts. That's been hard. Really hard. In the last year I've watched my daughter go from a complete Daddy's girl to wanting her Mom most of the time. That's understandable considering my wife is now there all of the time to give her the love & attention she needs. I'd do anything to go back to the way things were with my children. But to do that I'd have to break my wife's heart by having her go back to work again. One of the steps I've decided to do to help our financial situation is something I have been avoiding for 13 years of me working here at the new Mexico state Penitentiary. I'm going to put in for Sergeant. Call me content or complacent. Same thing I suppose. But I've always enjoyed my job so much that I didn't want to promote in fear that I'd end up hating my job like most every other person I've ever known. Given the choice between being content with my job or more time with my babies I'll choose more time with my children.
Now for the good news. My wife & I paid off our house last month so that means I can work a little less. Instead of working 70-80 hrs a week I'll only have to work 60 hrs a week to make our minimum bills. That's more time home with my kids, not as much as I'd like. But I'll take what I can get.
Since July I've gained 29 pounds. I went from a fast & slim 188 back up to a 217 pound Clydesdale. Jeez, it took a lot of effort to get from 257 last Nov to 188 this June. Half of that work on weight loss disappeared in 3 months time. Very disappointing. In June I had a 6 pack. No 6 pack now that's for sure.
My coach Pete Alfino wrote me an email a couple weeks ago. I wish I'd of kept it because it was very insightful. To sum it up he said I am way to hard on myself when things start to slip a little in training. I thought about what he said & I had a realization. During every build phase I've done just before my years "A" race I've gained between 30-50 pounds. Every time I start getting close to an A race I beat myself up if I miss a workout, or have a bad day training. When I get stressed I turn to food. When I turn to food I get pissed because I know I'm putting my A race in jeopardy by gaining weight. In turn the weight gain pisses me off and I turn to food to find temporary comfort. It had been a big snowball effect. That snow ball is the reason that after 5 years of training & 2 failed attempts I'm still not an Ironman.
I know, I know. I should of realized this pattern awhile ago. Not sure why I didn't see the pattern before. But regardless, I now know. I believe knowing what was happening & why will help me deal with this in the future. Perhaps I won't be able to completely stop the weight gain during every build phase. But I'd be willing to bet this knowledge will help slow the fat tide dramatically.
Since this realization my attitude has completely turned around. Since my attitude about working out has gotten better my workouts have gotten better again too. I've not gained weight this week for the first time since June.
So now I can start spending a little more time with my children & my triathlon training has gotten back on track. Things are better. Now if I could just get my triathlon bike back from Bike World in Albuquerque.
Thanks for being a part of my gripe fest. If you don't hear from me on my blog in the next couple weeks you'll know this turn for the good didn't continue. Hopefully I'll post again soon. Peace! I'm out.
August 25, 2008
USAT Rankings & a lesson learned
I was checking out my USAT rankings. My first year getting ranked was 2006. I've made huge gains in my racing, yet my USAT ranking has increased very little. Apparently every other triathlete & duathlete in the USA has gotten faster too.
2006 triathlon 67.95
2007 triathlon 65.23
2006 duathlon 65.75
2007 duathlon 68.21
Up until a couple months ago I was doing a moderate amount of weight lifting, a ton of push ups, pull ups, & core work along with my triathlon training. I was losing weight consistently as long as I wasn't struggling with a period of emotional eating. A couple months ago I decided I was going to try an experiment. I was going to stop all weights & strength training in hopes that I could continue losing fat, plus drop a few pounds of muscle. My hope was, like it is for all endurance athletes, to be as light as possible.I learned I needed some strength training to keep my metabolism high. The bad news is my weight loss slowed the first month of the experiment to no loss & a ton of struggle this month.
I went back to the weight room this morning. It felt great! I kept both the weight & sets low. I also stayed away from muscle failure. I'm pretty sure going back to the weights will speed up my metabolism. The only question is how long until my metabolism starts picking up again. I've been stuck here at 204 for quite awhile now.
Looking back at the last paragraph I feel the need to explain the way I feel about being stuck at 200. I'm actually elated. I never thought I'd be back down to the low 200's again. Even if I never lost another pound I'd be content. I love competing as a Clydesdale. With only a few exceptions Clydesdale's compete in triathlon because they absolutely love the sport. The majority of Clydes will never finish in the front of the pack. They race because they love the sport. Not because they are breaking records. That being said I also know I'm capable of getting to 190. I was there in May using swimming, biking, running, diet, & a moderate amount of strength training. The only thing that has changed between then & now is I had stopped strength training. Lesson learned. I'm hoping in the next month or so the moderate weight lifting will start to speed my metabolism again & I'll get to somewhere around 180-190 pounds. I will keep trying. But if after a long period of time I see my body is simply fighting going any lower than 200 I'll change my focus to maintaining my weight. Flexibility has never been a strong point of mine. I have a tendency to become obsessed with a goal & darn near kill myself attaining it. Hopefully this
time I will be able to watch, analyze my situation, & make the right decision.
I'll keep you posted.
Thanks for tuning in.
2006 triathlon 67.95
2007 triathlon 65.23
2006 duathlon 65.75
2007 duathlon 68.21
Up until a couple months ago I was doing a moderate amount of weight lifting, a ton of push ups, pull ups, & core work along with my triathlon training. I was losing weight consistently as long as I wasn't struggling with a period of emotional eating. A couple months ago I decided I was going to try an experiment. I was going to stop all weights & strength training in hopes that I could continue losing fat, plus drop a few pounds of muscle. My hope was, like it is for all endurance athletes, to be as light as possible.I learned I needed some strength training to keep my metabolism high. The bad news is my weight loss slowed the first month of the experiment to no loss & a ton of struggle this month.
I went back to the weight room this morning. It felt great! I kept both the weight & sets low. I also stayed away from muscle failure. I'm pretty sure going back to the weights will speed up my metabolism. The only question is how long until my metabolism starts picking up again. I've been stuck here at 204 for quite awhile now.
Looking back at the last paragraph I feel the need to explain the way I feel about being stuck at 200. I'm actually elated. I never thought I'd be back down to the low 200's again. Even if I never lost another pound I'd be content. I love competing as a Clydesdale. With only a few exceptions Clydesdale's compete in triathlon because they absolutely love the sport. The majority of Clydes will never finish in the front of the pack. They race because they love the sport. Not because they are breaking records. That being said I also know I'm capable of getting to 190. I was there in May using swimming, biking, running, diet, & a moderate amount of strength training. The only thing that has changed between then & now is I had stopped strength training. Lesson learned. I'm hoping in the next month or so the moderate weight lifting will start to speed my metabolism again & I'll get to somewhere around 180-190 pounds. I will keep trying. But if after a long period of time I see my body is simply fighting going any lower than 200 I'll change my focus to maintaining my weight. Flexibility has never been a strong point of mine. I have a tendency to become obsessed with a goal & darn near kill myself attaining it. Hopefully this
time I will be able to watch, analyze my situation, & make the right decision.
I'll keep you posted.
Thanks for tuning in.
June 22, 2008
Still standing
I took my family camping at Vallecito lake Colorado which is right right outside of Durango. We left bright & early on Tuesday, and returned late Friday night. The last non-triathlon vacation we had was last year about this same time. This trip was long overdue. We mostly did a lot of relaxing & family time. Since I've been working 72+ hrs a week since last September all that family time was a very special treat for all of us. I had brought all my training gear & had every intention of training each morning. Didn't happen. Not only did I miss 4 workouts in row, I also got hit with the "big one". I've been waiting for the "big one". I knew it was coming. I didn't know exactly when, but I knew it would come sooner than later. I have lost sleep over when it would show & how I would respond. Well it hit me this weekend, & it hit me harder than I had even had even feared it would.
What's the "big one" you ask? Eventually after I've lost weight I get hit with this overwhelming need to gain weight. I don't know why, I can't explain it. The "big one" is different than all the other binges I go on for the usual reasons of stress, overwhelming emotions, celebrations, etc. I know when the big one hits because its an uncontrollable & overwhelming need that goes beyond a physical craving like usual. I'm not sure if I can explain this properly, but it feels as if my body knows it's thin & there's an overwhelming need to thicken up. As best as I can tell when this happens to me it feels like I'm trying to build up emotional padding, & the weight is my defensive mechanism. When this feeling has hit me on the occasions I had lost a lot of weight I knew without any question to just throw away all my clothes I'd bought since I'd lost weight. There was nothing I could do but ride the binges to a new all time high body weight. I've gained as much as 60 pounds in a little over 3 months when the "big one" hits me. The only thing that's been consistent when this happens is that it's uncontrollable, & I'm unable to get back on the weight loss wagon for many many months. Usually years.
This time it hit me on Tuesday. No warning. But I recognized it when it hit. I'll save you the gory details. I recognized this binge & knew this binge was different from all the other ones. This was the one I'd been waiting for, it always finds me. From Tuesday until Saturday morning I had gone from 188 to 205 pounds. Yup, your reading that correctly. A 17 pound gain in 4 days. The amount I'd gained in such a short period of time wasn't unusual. The unexplainable feeling of comfort as I got visibly fatter each day wasn't unusual. But Saturday morning was unusual. Saturday morning I was happy -no I was elated! I had regained control. I may not know why the big one hits. But I know why this time was different. I have come to realize that my uncontrollable eating is not something that is happening to me because I'm weak. I didn't beat myself up by saying to myself such stupid things like "be a man, take control of yourself & stop eating!" I realized this was something that's a part of me. I don't know why. But it's going to happen. And when it does it is something that needs to be managed. It has nothing to do with self control or inner strength.
I tried to control the amount of eating I was doing (obviously I failed there). & I didn't dwell on what had happened thus far. I tried to minimize it to as small an amount of days as possible. In that aspect I did great! You may be thinking "dude, you gained the amount of weight in 4 days that took you 3 months to lose. What are you so dang happy about?". The point is my friend, for the first time in my life I was able to stop the downward spiral. I gained control. No, that doesn't explain it well enough. I stopped the uncontrollability. Yes, that's what I did.
I'm back to eating healthy. & now I'm armed with the knowledge that I can continue to live life eating healthy most of the time and being a relatively light & fast triathlete. I'm someone who can regain control of the darkest aspect of my life. Life is good, & with Gods help I'm in the drivers seat once again! I'll keep you informed how my 2 goals of getting below 200 again & to my ultimate goal of 185 is going.
What's the "big one" you ask? Eventually after I've lost weight I get hit with this overwhelming need to gain weight. I don't know why, I can't explain it. The "big one" is different than all the other binges I go on for the usual reasons of stress, overwhelming emotions, celebrations, etc. I know when the big one hits because its an uncontrollable & overwhelming need that goes beyond a physical craving like usual. I'm not sure if I can explain this properly, but it feels as if my body knows it's thin & there's an overwhelming need to thicken up. As best as I can tell when this happens to me it feels like I'm trying to build up emotional padding, & the weight is my defensive mechanism. When this feeling has hit me on the occasions I had lost a lot of weight I knew without any question to just throw away all my clothes I'd bought since I'd lost weight. There was nothing I could do but ride the binges to a new all time high body weight. I've gained as much as 60 pounds in a little over 3 months when the "big one" hits me. The only thing that's been consistent when this happens is that it's uncontrollable, & I'm unable to get back on the weight loss wagon for many many months. Usually years.
This time it hit me on Tuesday. No warning. But I recognized it when it hit. I'll save you the gory details. I recognized this binge & knew this binge was different from all the other ones. This was the one I'd been waiting for, it always finds me. From Tuesday until Saturday morning I had gone from 188 to 205 pounds. Yup, your reading that correctly. A 17 pound gain in 4 days. The amount I'd gained in such a short period of time wasn't unusual. The unexplainable feeling of comfort as I got visibly fatter each day wasn't unusual. But Saturday morning was unusual. Saturday morning I was happy -no I was elated! I had regained control. I may not know why the big one hits. But I know why this time was different. I have come to realize that my uncontrollable eating is not something that is happening to me because I'm weak. I didn't beat myself up by saying to myself such stupid things like "be a man, take control of yourself & stop eating!" I realized this was something that's a part of me. I don't know why. But it's going to happen. And when it does it is something that needs to be managed. It has nothing to do with self control or inner strength.
I tried to control the amount of eating I was doing (obviously I failed there). & I didn't dwell on what had happened thus far. I tried to minimize it to as small an amount of days as possible. In that aspect I did great! You may be thinking "dude, you gained the amount of weight in 4 days that took you 3 months to lose. What are you so dang happy about?". The point is my friend, for the first time in my life I was able to stop the downward spiral. I gained control. No, that doesn't explain it well enough. I stopped the uncontrollability. Yes, that's what I did.
I'm back to eating healthy. & now I'm armed with the knowledge that I can continue to live life eating healthy most of the time and being a relatively light & fast triathlete. I'm someone who can regain control of the darkest aspect of my life. Life is good, & with Gods help I'm in the drivers seat once again! I'll keep you informed how my 2 goals of getting below 200 again & to my ultimate goal of 185 is going.
June 01, 2008
over eating
Since as long as I can remember I'd overeat. Not just a little. When I was in 2nd grade I remember I came home after a particularly bad day & continued eating a large bag of chocolate bars until I'd ate so much I threw up. I had this horrible feeling of guilt. I hid the wrappers under my bed & tried to clean up & hide the mess so no one would know what I'd done. I knew I wouldn't get in trouble for eating the chocolate. That's what they were there for. But I was afraid someone would find out about how much I'd ate & think there was something wrong with me or think I was bad. No one ever told me or even hinted overeating was bad, but I seemed to know even then there was something not right or normal about what I was doing.
I've turned to food for comfort, stress relief, guilt, feelings of inadequacy, elation, or even to help ease my overwhelming remorse for having just overate. For years I was in a state of denial. I'd just chalk what I'd done up as a lack of inner strength. I'd tell myself I would never do that again. Each commitment to no longer go over board with the food would inevitably end with a binge on food, sometimes in a few weeks, sometimes as soon as the next meal. As long as I just keep telling myself I was weak it made me feel like I was normal. But convincing myself that I had a lack of inner strength made me feel like I was a pathetic excuse of a man. The lack of self control made me beat myself up. The more I beat myself up, the more I'd turn to food, the more I'd gain weight, the more I'd beat myself up. It was a horrible snow ball effect that very frequently sent me into a state of depression. Not to mention a weight of 292 pounds in 2003. In late 07 a guy who read my blog frequently & was also a triathlete with over eating issues tried to contact me. He was emailing me, & leaving messages on my phone. I wanted to talk to him because everything he'd said about eating disorders rang true deep down in me. But I still avoided contact with him because I didn't want to admit to having an addiction. I don't know why I was so afraid to admit I had issues with food. Once I finally opened my eyes to the signs of what I was doing & what it meant I realized its not some horribly dark or evil secret. What I was doing didn't make me bad. What I was doing wasn't even an evil thing. It was not the healthiest thing for my body. But I wasn't doing anything dishonest or hurtful to those around me. Perhaps at times it was annoying to my wife when a treat she was looking foreword to was gone, all of it. But I wasn't hurting anyone.
Once I'd accepted the fact that what I was doing was an emotional response & my way of dealing with issues, not some horrible thing to be ignored & hidden, I started to learn what things triggered my emotional eating. I've learned to figure out what emotions I'm feeling because I eat particular foods for different emotions. All that knowledge has helped me somewhat control my eating disorder. Its by no means "fixed". Simple fact of the matter is that I will never be able to stop my emotional eating, but there are things I'm learning that can help to minimize the overeating to one meal, or even a couple days rather than binging for weeks like I have more times than I'd like to count.
The most important lesson I learned is acceptance. It is a part of who I am. Its the way my body deals with stress or overwhelming situations. That doesn't mean I just say "ok, I'm stressed, I'm going to eat uncontrollably." But it does mean I am learning to accept that when it happens I need to realize it is what I do in these situations. If I beat myself up over it, it'll just get worse. I've learned to try to minimize it, but not dwell on it when I'm doing it, & not to dwell on it after I'm done. I try & stop, or simply slow down the amount of emotional eating I'm doing. If for example I had an entire day of uncontrollable eating. The next day I try & accept yesterday for what it was, not make it worse or happen again by beating myself up. I look at today as a new day. I often tell myself, "ok, yesterday wasn't a good day, but I'm going to make today a better day." No self chastising, no regret or remorse. Just optimism because today is a new day. That alone has helped immensely. I still have my eating addiction, I realize it will never go away on its own or even with help. But with the right mindset I have learned I can minimize the damage I do to myself physically, mentally, & emotionally. I'm now down to 189 pounds & this weekend I fit into a size 32 pants for the first time since my Junior year of high school. There is light at the end of this tunnel if you have the same problem. When you overeat, that is not a "bad" thing. It's how you deal with your problems. There is nothing wrong with you, it doesn't make you evil or abnormal. But most importantly there are skills you can learn to help you minimize it. When you binge eat, you need to learn to still like yourself. There are allot of people out there who do love you knowing about your food issues. There are even more people out there who would still love you if they found out about your food issues. So why shouldn't you like you too? Talk to someone who has a food issue, or talk to someone who is trained to help people with food issues. If you don't want to do that, get into contact with me. I'm not the most intelligent or articulate person, but I understand what its like & I don't want you to feel like I did for years. Don't be embarrassed because I guarantee you there are allot more successful people out there than you & I who have eating disorders. It doesn't make them less successful or likable. There's light at the end of this tunnel. I promise.
I've turned to food for comfort, stress relief, guilt, feelings of inadequacy, elation, or even to help ease my overwhelming remorse for having just overate. For years I was in a state of denial. I'd just chalk what I'd done up as a lack of inner strength. I'd tell myself I would never do that again. Each commitment to no longer go over board with the food would inevitably end with a binge on food, sometimes in a few weeks, sometimes as soon as the next meal. As long as I just keep telling myself I was weak it made me feel like I was normal. But convincing myself that I had a lack of inner strength made me feel like I was a pathetic excuse of a man. The lack of self control made me beat myself up. The more I beat myself up, the more I'd turn to food, the more I'd gain weight, the more I'd beat myself up. It was a horrible snow ball effect that very frequently sent me into a state of depression. Not to mention a weight of 292 pounds in 2003. In late 07 a guy who read my blog frequently & was also a triathlete with over eating issues tried to contact me. He was emailing me, & leaving messages on my phone. I wanted to talk to him because everything he'd said about eating disorders rang true deep down in me. But I still avoided contact with him because I didn't want to admit to having an addiction. I don't know why I was so afraid to admit I had issues with food. Once I finally opened my eyes to the signs of what I was doing & what it meant I realized its not some horribly dark or evil secret. What I was doing didn't make me bad. What I was doing wasn't even an evil thing. It was not the healthiest thing for my body. But I wasn't doing anything dishonest or hurtful to those around me. Perhaps at times it was annoying to my wife when a treat she was looking foreword to was gone, all of it. But I wasn't hurting anyone.
Once I'd accepted the fact that what I was doing was an emotional response & my way of dealing with issues, not some horrible thing to be ignored & hidden, I started to learn what things triggered my emotional eating. I've learned to figure out what emotions I'm feeling because I eat particular foods for different emotions. All that knowledge has helped me somewhat control my eating disorder. Its by no means "fixed". Simple fact of the matter is that I will never be able to stop my emotional eating, but there are things I'm learning that can help to minimize the overeating to one meal, or even a couple days rather than binging for weeks like I have more times than I'd like to count.
The most important lesson I learned is acceptance. It is a part of who I am. Its the way my body deals with stress or overwhelming situations. That doesn't mean I just say "ok, I'm stressed, I'm going to eat uncontrollably." But it does mean I am learning to accept that when it happens I need to realize it is what I do in these situations. If I beat myself up over it, it'll just get worse. I've learned to try to minimize it, but not dwell on it when I'm doing it, & not to dwell on it after I'm done. I try & stop, or simply slow down the amount of emotional eating I'm doing. If for example I had an entire day of uncontrollable eating. The next day I try & accept yesterday for what it was, not make it worse or happen again by beating myself up. I look at today as a new day. I often tell myself, "ok, yesterday wasn't a good day, but I'm going to make today a better day." No self chastising, no regret or remorse. Just optimism because today is a new day. That alone has helped immensely. I still have my eating addiction, I realize it will never go away on its own or even with help. But with the right mindset I have learned I can minimize the damage I do to myself physically, mentally, & emotionally. I'm now down to 189 pounds & this weekend I fit into a size 32 pants for the first time since my Junior year of high school. There is light at the end of this tunnel if you have the same problem. When you overeat, that is not a "bad" thing. It's how you deal with your problems. There is nothing wrong with you, it doesn't make you evil or abnormal. But most importantly there are skills you can learn to help you minimize it. When you binge eat, you need to learn to still like yourself. There are allot of people out there who do love you knowing about your food issues. There are even more people out there who would still love you if they found out about your food issues. So why shouldn't you like you too? Talk to someone who has a food issue, or talk to someone who is trained to help people with food issues. If you don't want to do that, get into contact with me. I'm not the most intelligent or articulate person, but I understand what its like & I don't want you to feel like I did for years. Don't be embarrassed because I guarantee you there are allot more successful people out there than you & I who have eating disorders. It doesn't make them less successful or likable. There's light at the end of this tunnel. I promise.
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