December 14, 2016

if ya spot it ya got it

I watched a documentary on Netflix called "Last chance U". It was an awesome flick. It's about division 1 talent who has to play college football at a comunity college because of poor grades or getting in trouble. There's one kid on that show who's a bad ass defensive lineman, Ronald Ollie. He was amazing. The only reason he wasn't playing for an SEC team was he was an idiot. Anytime things didn't go his way he disappeared. I told my wife about how bad that kid pissed me off. That he was a waste of tallent. I told my kids that it takes 2 things to be successful, good attitude and good effort. And that kid lacked the right attitude. 3 weeks later, and that kid Ronald Ollie is still on my mind. One of my old 12 step buddies once told me,"If ya spot it, ya got it". It dawned on me that the reason that kid on Last Chance U got under my skin is I'm the exact same way. I'm the "go to guy", until I think someone close to me is going to give up on me or I'm going to be unable to meet thier expectations. And then I disappear just like him. Ronald Ollie's guidance counselor said he has trust issues. I think a better explanation is he has abandonment issues. He feels its better to disappear on someone than to have them give up on him or hurt him. He and I are exactly alike.

If there's something about someone that annoys or infuriates you, that means there's something in you that is just like that. "If you spot it, you got it."

I was a blue chip high school football player. I gave a verbal commitment to go play for the University of Wyoming. Before I could go play football I became a homeless teenager. I lost my scholarship. And because I had to provide proof of my parents taxes to get student loans and I wasn't in contact with them, I wasn't able to go to any college at all, much less play collegiate football. I always wondered what my life would have been like if I'd have been able to play football and get a degree. But after watching that show I found closure. I probably would have ran away half way through a season. And then my heart would have been overflowing with regret amd guilt. I'm exactly where I should be. My life couldn't have ended up any better than it did.

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