August 30, 2017

New Mexico games track and field 2017 results

I had registered for the 2017 New Mexico games track and field 100m dash for the Masters division 40-44 age group. The weekend of the meet I was feeling sorry for myself because I'd been working a lot of overtime and hadn't trained like I wanted to. So I ended up not competing. I just looked up the results and there were only 2 people in my division. If I'd of competed I'd of been in third place at least.

1st place: Chris Barrett 12.67
2nd place: Vince Ortiz 13.14

Next year I will compete!

August 29, 2017

Marriage is slavery

I've been married for 13 years. I've worked 80-90 hours a week for the last 11 of them. I'm not a workaholic. I don't enjoy working extra hours. I'm beyond unhappy. I'm miserable. From very early in our marriage my wife had unrealistic lifestyle expectations. She spent more than two men could earn. And I had to work more than two men combined to try and out earn her spending.

I always wanted to be a doting husband. A selfless provider who put my wife's need above my own. My assumption was always that if I did enough for my wife, if I gave her the things she said would make her happy, if I sacrificed more than any other man could that she'd eventually love me enough that I wouldn't have to anymore. I was wrong. She'd rather me be exhausted, overworked, missing my kids, and depressed than to go without extra money or the things money can buy. I'm nothing more than a wage slave. A utility to have resources extracted from. I've known this for quite awhile. But I just kept trying. I'd work harder and I'd spend less so she could have more in the hopes I could finally win her over and have her choose me. In the hopes she'd love me enough to not want me to suffer anymore. All the while I'd beg and plead with her to please spend less so I could have a normal life. So I could work normal hours, have time with my kids, have hobbies, and be able to sleep a full 8 hours. Oh how I miss sleep! But last night I finally accepted the truth. She's ok with me suffering as long as she gets what she wants. She'll never put me and my needs above her own wants and desires. Last night I told her after the trip to New York in October I won't be working overtime anymore. If she wants something she'll have to save for it like responsible adults are supposed to do. There's been other times in  the past that I've told her I won't be working overtime. I've told her she won't be allowed to spend more than we make anymore. She always threw a fit. She'd say manipulative things. She'd try using shaming language. She'd blame me and try to play the victim role. I'd always cave in. I'm hoping this time I'll stand my ground and do what's best for the whole family. Me being home would be better for my kids, our marriage, and me. She definitely won't like it. She'll have to learn to accept it or file for a divorce. At this point I've been used and abused by her for so long I'm ok with either decision she makes.

After we get back from New York in October I'm getting back into athletics. I'm hiring a coach, probably coach Vernon Smith, I'll be eating right, sleeping enough, and for the first time in 13 years I will make sure I'm happy. She won't like it. But I don't care.

August 13, 2017

The end of training for......

I finally got the problems for my pituitary gland fixed. I feel so much better now. I have more energy. And I'm sure once I'm able to start working out again I'll start  getting gains again. But I can't work out right now. Earlier this year my wife got a invitation for a wedding in New York City. She desperately wanted for all five of us to go. We made a deal. I'd pick up a couple extra shifts a week and she'd get a part time job on her 2 days off. We also agreed we wouldn't go unless we could save the money in cash. We wouldn't use credit cards, loans, or tap into our emergency fund. As the months passed I continued to do my part picking up extra shifts. But she hasn't done anything at all to earn any extra money for the trip. Last month I reminded her that since she hasn't held up her end of the deal we haven't saved enough money to be able to go. She told me she didn't care if we had the money to go or not, that she and the kids are going. She said she'd use credit cards or empty out our emergency fund if she had too. I don't want her to put us in another horrible mess financially like she has so many times in the past. So for over a month I'm working from 5:30am-8:00pm every weekday. I don't even have enough time to sleep, much less workout. I'm overly fatigued and I miss seeing my children. Since starting to work like this again I'm gaining weight hand over fist. I worked 80-90 hours a week from 2006-2014 because of her bad decisions and disregard for me. And here I am doing it again. It's unfair. I'm tired of being a wage slave.

More men died by suicide last year than in WWII. The reason is ignored or repressed. Studies are met with animosity.

My opinion is that the majority of men's suicides are by middle aged married men or men being destroyed by divorce, family courts, unfair alimony, spousal support, and child support.

Most married men have to work a rediculous amount of hours or work jobs they don't like in order to support their wife's lifestyle expectations. The wife rarely has a job that could support her unrealistic lifestyle expectations so the man has to pick up the slack working hours and jobs he'd never have chosen if he was on his own. But the married man is trapped. He can't escape this nightmare. If he stops working the excessive hours and/or goes back to the jobs that would make him happy his wife will leave him or she'll continue her spending and he'd be in bankruptcy court. Once she realizes he can't provide her the lifestyle or the things in life she expects she'll start looking for someone who will or she'll want a divorce. The husband will get stuck with all the debt. She'll get all the assets. And he'll lose his kids.

Let's look at the numbers. If I make $50k a year the government will take just shy of %35 ($17,500) in taxes. Then I'll pay child support for three kids ($12,500). Plus approximately $600-$800 a month in alimony or spousal support ($9,600). So that leaves me $10,400 a year to live on. That's less than a thousand $ a month. The only way I can have my kids stay the night at my place on the days I have them is if I have a place the state deems appropriate. That alone would take almost all of the money I'd have left over. I'd have no money for food, gas, utilities, clothes..... So the way I see it is there are only 3 options.
1) continue to be a wage slave and live a miserable existence of working 60-90 hours a week with no help.
2) divorce and live an even worse life of being broke and never seeing my kids.
3) suicide....

I don't want a divorce. All I really want is for my wife to act like an adult. I want her to stop making bad decisions that only I pay the consequences for. I feel like she's an entitled child living in an adults body. I'm a wage slave and there's no end to the suffering. I'm tired of working so many hours. I'm tired of feeling like the person who is most comfortable with me suffering is my own wife. I want a partner. A helper. I want to be a part of a team. What I'm experiencing is not team work. It's abuse.