No quarter given OR of love and war

I want to relax. I want to be open and honest. I want to have a safe haven where struggle has no place, where we gain strength and rest instead of having it pulled from me. I want to stop being on guard all the time, and have a chance to simply be with someone who can understand our basic humanity without begrudging it. To stop fighting, and stop playing the game, just for a while.

I want to, so badly.

If I do, I soon will no longer able to.

I consider this perspective, I begin to see a stark paradox; mens' want for a relief or a respite from that performance burden tends to be their undoing.

This is the same mistake men making their blue pill, beta conditioning. They believe that if they meet the right girl, if they align correctly with that special ONE, then they too can give up and not worry about their performance- or relax and only make the base effort necessary to keep my ONE happy. The beta buys the advertising that his blue pill conditioning has presented to him for a lifetime. Find the right girl who accepts you, independent of your performance, and you can let down your guard, be vulnerable, forget any notion of red pill truth because you're girl is a special specimen who places known conditions on her love, empathy, intimate acceptance or genuine desire love you. This is very seductive and inuring for Beta who's been condition to believe there can realistically be a respite from his burden.

Looking back on it, I was so grateful to my wife, who is easily the most sexually available girl I've ever been with, that I would have taken a bullet for her. I didn't want anybody else. I didn't even think about other girls- first time that ever happened to me in a relationship. I can remember thinking that even if she gained weight, lost her looks, and got old, I'd still want her. I would have "loved" her forever. I was good and ready to cash in my chips, exit the sexual Marketplace, and retire. I would have arranged my whole life around making her happy and would have felt lucky to have had that privilege.

 At the time, all of that felt noble and brave, but looking back on it now, it just seems pathetic and pathological; the result of my neediness. But the thing is, what if she had reciprocated it? Wouldn't it have been a relationship worth having? Had she reciprocated it- if any woman was capable of reciprocating that- it wouldn't have been Disney movie bulshit, but the real thing. We're supposed to think such a thing is possible and that's what keeps us playing along. The red pill is really about recognizing it's impossibility, I think. There is no possible equity. To be sure, a woman can be loyal and dedicated to you, in theory, but theythey  give that loyalty to the guy who needs it least. It's like a cruel, cosmic joke.

Such as it is, that girl lied to me, drained every penny and every ounce of energy I had the moment I showed weakness and needed her the most. Big surprise, right? With a red pill awareness now I can see how predictable that result was, but at the time I was blindsided by it. I never saw it coming. I couldn't understand how she could do such a thing when I'd vested so much in her, when I was so willing to give her all the things I've always wanted most. I assumed she wanted the same things- men and women are the same, right? That's what the egalitarians tell us. I couldn't understand how those things could be so valueless to her that she would just throw it all away like that. She didn't value them at all.

The New Mexico track and field meet

Last year I was training to become a sprinter in track and field. After months of training I was only able to get my 100m time to 20 seconds. Not good. I stopped training sprinting and changed to CrossFit. I started training track again a few weeks ago. My first week I pulled an adductor. Then I had a couple uneventful weeks of training in the %70 of max effort range. Yesterday I decided to try an all out sprint. I ran a 15.9 second 100m. And I didn't injure anything this time! That motivated me to register for the New Mexico games track and field meet that will be held this weekend. That only gives me 5 days of training to prepare. And 7 days after that is the NMLWC weightlifting state championships. I'm a little worried the race will negatively effect my weightlifting meet. Last year I registered for the NM games track and field meet. But the day of the race I chickened out and didn't race. That was one of the only times I've ever chickened out from a competition of any kind. This year is my chance to redeem myself.

Powerlifting 2019 national championships

Last year I looked up the powerlifting national championship meets and qualifying classes a hundred times. Then I'd loose the paper and have to look it up again. I'm posting it here so that I have an easy place to find it at.

USAPL national open powerlifting May 9, 2019 in Lafayette Louisiana. As a 40-44 year old lifter I don't need to meet a minimum total. I just need a total at any USAPL meet.

USPA non-tested Nationals June 27-30 in Columbus Ohio. Need a masters total. Class 2 needed. At 275lb weight class that's 1580lb total. At the 242lb weight class that's a 1536 total.

USPA tested Nation July 11-14, 2019 in Las Vegas Nevada. Need a class 2 total. At 275 it's 1249. At 242 it's a 1208lb total.

USPA referee certification and reverse dieting

I recieved word today that I passed the USPA referee/judge written exam. The next step is for me to take the practical test. I'm going to ask the meet director of the USPA meet, The Showdown powerlifting meet in Lubbock Texas if I could take the practical test there. I have loved ones who live in Lubbock. My family and I can stay with them while we're there.

I'm so hungry all the time. I'm not sure if it's because my body is trying to build muscle from the powerlifting training or if my body is still freaking out from having dieted for 8 months continuously. I started a reverse diet last week. Not only will the gradual increase of calories help with the hunger, but it'll also help with building some serious strength. Perfect timing. I have two more important meets this year. July 1st is the LWC New Mexico state championships and December 1st is the USPA New Mexico powerlifting state championships. I plan on dieting again starting on December 2nd. The day after the USPA state championships. Until the state championships I'lI be focusing on getting as strong as pissposs. And that'll take extra calories.

Beast or broken?

The last 8 months I've really dedicated myself to nutrition and training. Anytime I've found a weakness I've trained that weakness until I became good at it. A couple weeks ago I was doing 40 meter dashes. I was fast, but I ended up being sore for almost a week. I realized I found a weakness. This morning I attempted more 40 meter sprints. On the 2nd sprint i pulled an abductor muscle. I've made great progress the last year. But I'm also a lot more breakable now that I'm in my 40's. I figure if I continue to push myself as hard as I have been I'll be a beast, or very broken.

First week of reverse dieting

I started a reverse diet on Tuesday. Avatar Nutrition gave me an immediate increase of calories from 2,400 to 2,917 the first day. I thought it would take awhile for my body to start feeling the results of the calorie increase. But almost immediately I felt better. The second day I was lifting more reps with the same weight. By the fourth day I was lifting more reps with significantly more weight. I have never been able to do 4 sets of 10 dips before. Friday i was able to do it for the first time. And I felt like I could have done more. Last Saturday I was only able to front squat 215lbs one set of 6, then had to drop to 195 for my last three sets of 6. Today I was able to do four sets of 6 reps on front squats with 225lbs. And again, I felt like I could have done more. I'm really glad I decided to reverse diet. My body had had enough of being at a calorie deficit. 8 months of dieting and 80lbs of weight loss was as much as I could handle. I'll start dieting again December 1st. But until then I'm going to concentrate on healing my metabolism and getting stronger.

I've decided I'm going to reverse diet for three months. Then maintain for three months.