June 22, 2018

No quarter given OR of love and war

I want to relax. I want to be open and honest. I want to have a safe haven where struggle has no place, where we gain strength and rest instead of having it pulled from me. I want to stop being on guard all the time, and have a chance to simply be with someone who can understand our basic humanity without begrudging it. To stop fighting, and stop playing the game, just for a while.

I want to, so badly.

If I do, I soon will no longer able to.

I consider this perspective, I begin to see a stark paradox; mens' want for a relief or a respite from that performance burden tends to be their undoing.

This is the same mistake men making their blue pill, beta conditioning. They believe that if they meet the right girl, if they align correctly with that special ONE, then they too can give up and not worry about their performance- or relax and only make the base effort necessary to keep my ONE happy. The beta buys the advertising that his blue pill conditioning has presented to him for a lifetime. Find the right girl who accepts you, independent of your performance, and you can let down your guard, be vulnerable, forget any notion of red pill truth because you're girl is a special specimen who places known conditions on her love, empathy, intimate acceptance or genuine desire love you. This is very seductive and inuring for Beta who's been condition to believe there can realistically be a respite from his burden.

Looking back on it, I was so grateful to my wife, who is easily the most sexually available girl I've ever been with, that I would have taken a bullet for her. I didn't want anybody else. I didn't even think about other girls- first time that ever happened to me in a relationship. I can remember thinking that even if she gained weight, lost her looks, and got old, I'd still want her. I would have "loved" her forever. I was good and ready to cash in my chips, exit the sexual Marketplace, and retire. I would have arranged my whole life around making her happy and would have felt lucky to have had that privilege.

 At the time, all of that felt noble and brave, but looking back on it now, it just seems pathetic and pathological; the result of my neediness. But the thing is, what if she had reciprocated it? Wouldn't it have been a relationship worth having? Had she reciprocated it- if any woman was capable of reciprocating that- it wouldn't have been Disney movie bulshit, but the real thing. We're supposed to think such a thing is possible and that's what keeps us playing along. The red pill is really about recognizing it's impossibility, I think. There is no possible equity. To be sure, a woman can be loyal and dedicated to you, in theory, but theythey  give that loyalty to the guy who needs it least. It's like a cruel, cosmic joke.

Such as it is, that girl lied to me, drained every penny and every ounce of energy I had the moment I showed weakness and needed her the most. Big surprise, right? With a red pill awareness now I can see how predictable that result was, but at the time I was blindsided by it. I never saw it coming. I couldn't understand how she could do such a thing when I'd vested so much in her, when I was so willing to give her all the things I've always wanted most. I assumed she wanted the same things- men and women are the same, right? That's what the egalitarians tell us. I couldn't understand how those things could be so valueless to her that she would just throw it all away like that. She didn't value them at all.

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