Last week I listened to This American Life on Pandora. The episode was called Tell me I'm fat. Not to sound dramatic here, but it changed my perseption of myself. I'm fat. I'm not always fat. Sometimes i am able to lose a lot of weight and be thin. Or what other people perceive as more attractive. Or or even more acceptable as a person. I've gained and lost 60-120 pounds dozens of times. I always hated myself when I was fat again, but just couldn't seem to stop from gaining the weight back.
It seems to me that it's only ok to be fat in society if the fat person shows they are in the process of trying to lose weight. How they're trying to change themselves to better fit everyone else's expectations. Listening to Tell me I'm fat on Pandora helped me to realize it's ok if I'm fat. Being thin doesn't change who I am. If I'm not accepted or I am looked down apon that's the problem of the bigot who's judging me. It's ok to be happy exactly as I am. It's ok to be content with who I am and how I look. I don't have to change myself to make other people happy.
So.... this is what it feels to like myself again and be happy in my own body again. I like it. Being content in the moment and loving myself feels much better than hating myself for who I'm not.