July 04, 2017
My natural father and I were very close when I was younger. He used to pick me up on weekends and every other holiday. Once he moved farther away he'd fly me out to visit him every other summer, spring, and Christmas break. And then when I was 12 he disappeared without any warning. I found him again in 2002. He was living in Truth or Consequences New Mexico, just a few hours from where I've lived my entire adult life. I visited him and I asked if I could could see him every once in awhile. Maybe catch a movie or something. He responded, "that would be abandoning my family." His response made no sense to me at all. Obviously seeing a movie or going out to dinner occasionally isn't abandoning anyone. And I was his family. I didn't contact him again until after my wife and I had three kids together. I thought he'd like to meet them and get to know them. I was wrong. He's never called on anyone's birthdays, Christmas, etc. Last Christmas he traveled the country to spend time visiting each of his kids and step kids. Everyone of them but me. He didn't call when his Dad died. I wouldn't have known about my grandpa's funeral if one of my cousins hadn't called and told me. I called him on father's day. He said he heard in February that my father-in-law died. He knew for two months and never even bothered to call and see how we were doing. Since getting back into contact with him the only times he's ever called was to tell me I was cut out of his will. And another time to tell me he was going to give the watch my grandpa left to me when he died to my uncle instead. Id gladly trade inheritance and my grandfather's heirloom for an occasional phone call. Would an "I love you son" be to much to ask? I've tried really hard to build a relationship with him. But I've come to realize he is dead set against one. At the time I didn't understand what he meant when he told me he'd be abandoning his family if he spent time with me. It's taken me until now to understand that what he meant was he didn't want to spend time with me at all. Ever. I should have known back then. Perhaps I was in denial. But I understand now..... I wish I could say I won't miss you. But I will. I have mourned over your absence for 29 years. It felt like there was a void created in my heart once you bailed out of my life.... Goodbye Dad. Even though you don't deserve it, I love you. And I'll miss you deeply.