Today was the first apointment ive had with my new primary care Dr. He was concerned about a lump in my chest. He had me make an appointment for a breast ultrasound and a diagnostic mammogram. I feel very imbarrassed and emasculated. But mostly I feel pissed off. I'm a dude getting a breast ultrasound and a diagnostic mammogram. Sounds like a bad joke. You never hear of a female running tests for lumps on her testicles. Don't gotta worry about that because they don't have any. I don't have breasts. I don't even have man boobs, but somehow I'm still the guy who has to get a mammogram. The appointment is for July 14th.
Forgive me for sounding fatalistic, but the average life span for a correctional officer after retiring from a prison is less than three years. I worked at the penitentiary of New Mexico for 21 years, I retired a little over two months ago. Correctional officers have the lowest life expectancy for any profession, including cops and firefighters. I can't help but feel anger and resentment for the 9 years I was forced to work 80-90 hours a week in that hell hole. I knew working that many hours was bad for me. I was constantly exhausted and felt like shit for years. I knew what it was doing to my body. I even warned the person who was responsible for me working that many hours that if I continue to do this I won't live to see my 50th birthday. Fucking shit. I'm angry as hell. And resentful. But I'm also kind of relieved. I've always been great at avoiding drama and never making decisions that are life wrecking. But since 2007 I've been forced into one fucked up situation after another. I'm tired of having to work so many hours and stress so much to clean up other people's bad decisions. At least tonight I have weightlifting. Weightlifting always makes me feel better.