Still standing

I took my family camping at Vallecito lake Colorado which is right right outside of Durango. We left bright & early on Tuesday, and returned late Friday night. The last non-triathlon vacation we had was last year about this same time. This trip was long overdue. We mostly did a lot of relaxing & family time. Since I've been working 72+ hrs a week since last September all that family time was a very special treat for all of us. I had brought all my training gear & had every intention of training each morning. Didn't happen. Not only did I miss 4 workouts in row, I also got hit with the "big one". I've been waiting for the "big one". I knew it was coming. I didn't know exactly when, but I knew it would come sooner than later. I have lost sleep over when it would show & how I would respond. Well it hit me this weekend, & it hit me harder than I had even had even feared it would.

What's the "big one" you ask? Eventually after I've lost weight I get hit with this overwhelming need to gain weight. I don't know why, I can't explain it. The "big one" is different than all the other binges I go on for the usual reasons of stress, overwhelming emotions, celebrations, etc. I know when the big one hits because its an uncontrollable & overwhelming need that goes beyond a physical craving like usual. I'm not sure if I can explain this properly, but it feels as if my body knows it's thin & there's an overwhelming need to thicken up. As best as I can tell when this happens to me it feels like I'm trying to build up emotional padding, & the weight is my defensive mechanism. When this feeling has hit me on the occasions I had lost a lot of weight I knew without any question to just throw away all my clothes I'd bought since I'd lost weight. There was nothing I could do but ride the binges to a new all time high body weight. I've gained as much as 60 pounds in a little over 3 months when the "big one" hits me. The only thing that's been consistent when this happens is that it's uncontrollable, & I'm unable to get back on the weight loss wagon for many many months. Usually years.

This time it hit me on Tuesday. No warning. But I recognized it when it hit. I'll save you the gory details. I recognized this binge & knew this binge was different from all the other ones. This was the one I'd been waiting for, it always finds me. From Tuesday until Saturday morning I had gone from 188 to 205 pounds. Yup, your reading that correctly. A 17 pound gain in 4 days. The amount I'd gained in such a short period of time wasn't unusual. The unexplainable feeling of comfort as I got visibly fatter each day wasn't unusual. But Saturday morning was unusual. Saturday morning I was happy -no I was elated! I had regained control. I may not know why the big one hits. But I know why this time was different. I have come to realize that my uncontrollable eating is not something that is happening to me because I'm weak. I didn't beat myself up by saying to myself such stupid things like "be a man, take control of yourself & stop eating!" I realized this was something that's a part of me. I don't know why. But it's going to happen. And when it does it is something that needs to be managed. It has nothing to do with self control or inner strength.

I tried to control the amount of eating I was doing (obviously I failed there). & I didn't dwell on what had happened thus far. I tried to minimize it to as small an amount of days as possible. In that aspect I did great! You may be thinking "dude, you gained the amount of weight in 4 days that took you 3 months to lose. What are you so dang happy about?". The point is my friend, for the first time in my life I was able to stop the downward spiral. I gained control. No, that doesn't explain it well enough. I stopped the uncontrollability. Yes, that's what I did.

I'm back to eating healthy. & now I'm armed with the knowledge that I can continue to live life eating healthy most of the time and being a relatively light & fast triathlete. I'm someone who can regain control of the darkest aspect of my life. Life is good, & with Gods help I'm in the drivers seat once again! I'll keep you informed how my 2 goals of getting below 200 again & to my ultimate goal of 185 is going.