inury update and a day off

My quad is healing relatively quickly. Not as quickly as the last time I pulled it, but fast enough for me to not be freaking out. I can climb stairs and stand up from a sitting position without much pain. I’m thinking I’ll take today and Thursday off completely. Friday I’ll do an hour long bike all zone 1 and zone 2, Saturday I’ll try a 45 minute zone 2 run. I have the Atomicman duathlon on Sunday. I’m relatively certain I won’t  be able to push myself at race pace but I’m still going to show up to run and bike nice and easy with my only goal being to finish. A finish still gives me points for the South West Challenge series, and I love competing in the SW series!

I didn’t work last night. This week was the 1^st time since December that I took more than 1 day off in a week, and being home with my wife and babies is my favorite thing in the world. Unfortunately celebration is a huge trigger for me, so I ended up struggling with my eating last night. I was able to avoid binging, but barely. With the exception of my struggles with my eating disorder it was a perfect night. As we were going to bed I told my wife, “For just one night I wish I wasn’t an addict. I wish I could be home and enjoy myself rather than having to struggle with my desire to binge eat.”

Today I start working with a 12 step sponsor, so I’m hoping I’ll begin to struggle less. He sent me a list of his expectations and I’m in agreement with all of them. I posted what he sent me in the email, but I changed some things to keep him anonymous.

He wrote:

So... I've been thinking about our sponsoring relationship. I am attaching the first set of reading/writing I'd like to have you work on. In my experience, it works really well to read my answers aloud to my sponsor. Have you ever done this?

Let's think about the tools:

1. Food Plan... Check. Could you please type up your plan and send it to me via email so I have it in print?

2. Sponsorship... Hey, that's me!

3. Meetings... What is your plan here? I'll admit that my own meeting attendance is spotty. Do you have a stated goal for meetings?

4. Telephone... Tell me about your phone usage for recovery/outreach calls. When I started OA-HOW, it was mandated to me that I would make or receive THREE live phone calls every day. I did it for 14 months, and it was awesome... and very stressful. It was definitely one of the things that drove me away from the program eventually. What's your willingness? What's your desire? What do you think your NEED is for phone calls?

5. Writing... I think this is key. Stepwork is WHY we get abstinent in the first place. I think, if at all possible, you should be writing every day, even if it's just to answer only one question. Or less... I like to just look at a clock. If I don't get the question answered in 15 minutes, I start on it again the next day, unless I'm really into it and I want to continue.

6. Literature. Ditto. Every day... But this goes hand in hand with the writing. Read, then write. Every day is a great plan.

7. Anonymity... Well, I don't know that I have any special thoughts on how to use this in our relationship, but of course I think it's important.

8. Service... We'll talk about this as we go.

9. Action plan... Again, I think this will be addressed as we go forward.

So, I guess the things we need to determine are:

How often should we talk on the phone? Are you able/willing to do reading and writing every day? How many people can you commit to calling every day, if any? What food plan will you follow? What's your plan for meetings?

Cody, it all boils down to this: How can I help support YOU in your recovery? If it fits into what I believe is helpful, from my experience, then I'm happy to do it. It helps me too.

lessons on money and life

In September 2011 my wife and I realized God wanted us to get our finances in order. He told us He wanted us to live the way it says in the bible: without debt. Since December we've paid off $24,000 in debt. Yesterday we started step 3 of Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. We are very glad to have gotten this far. We now need $10,300 to complete 3.

Since December I've worked no less than 84 hour work weeks. There were times I was so tired from all the overtime and lack of sleep that I felt like a zombie. The only thing that kept me going was the amazing love and support of my God, my wife, and constant prayer. When I'd get into a slump, when I felt I couldn't stay awake another moment I'd take a few minutes to ask for strength and endurance, and to thank God for all He'd done to help me get that far. My wife and my God have carried me through the rough times. And now we're closer than I've ever dreamed we'd be to financial peace!

When God wants me to learn a lesson, He puts me into a situation where I am forced to learn. I don't always like the lesson and I don't always like being taught. I realize God is trying to get through to me. I've been trying to figure out the lesson He's trying to teach me because I'd prefer the lesson to not get any more severe. I've been struggling with my eating disorder a lot recently. A couple weeks ago I fell off the wagon and lost 460 days of abstaining from destructive binge eating. In four and a half days of binge eating my weight shot up from 175 to 202 pounds. This is a common and dangerous problem of mine when I binge eat. A persons kidneys controls their salt and hydration as well as function as a filter. I was eating so much I was overwhelming my kidneys. It wasn't until yesterday that I realized what I've been doing wrong. I became so focused on working and paying off our debt that I gave myself permission to stop going to over eater anonymous meetings, I stopped working the 12 steps, and I stopped calling my sponsor. I'm a addict. I'll always be an addict. On page 33 of the big book it says:

"Most of us have believed if we remained abstinent for a long stretch, we could there after eat normally....once a compulsive over eater always a compulsive over eater. If we are planning to stop destructive eating, there must be no lurking notion that someday we will be immune to food."

I've learned on multiple occasions that when I don't think my compulsive binge eating is a problem, it comes back with a vengeance. I have to realize I'll never be a normal eater. I have to continue working the program & keeping in mind that I am & always will be an addict. I need to take steps daily to keep my addiction in check. I have to follow a food plan, avoid sugar, NEVER eat at buffets, and most importantly I need to walk with God or I will relapse!

Today I've realized I need to continue to work hard on finishing the plan we have addopted from The Total Money Makeover, but I also need to continue staying healthy and working on my problems with food. Today I'm calling my sponsor. I'm going to ask if he's willing to sponsor me again. I'm going to start working the 12 steps again.

This week is the 1st time I've written openly about my eating disorder on my blog. I'm still a little apprehensive and embarrassed to write about my struggles with food and binge eating, but I'm tired of hiding who I am. I'm tired of fighting this addiction alone. "It doesn't take a real man to fight. It takes a real man to reach out his hand."

I'm hoping that others who are struggling with addictions can find some strength and knowledge from my blog by reading about my progress and recovery. Who knows, I might even find some encouragement and support of my own along the way.

that's a first!

I woke today wanting to eat, needing to binge. That same old story for me. Its never easy getting so close to a goal (185-195 pounds) & seeing it, in one single day start to slip away so quickly. That is exactly what has always happened to me once I get near or at my goal race weight. There is a clear difference in the way a craving feels & an upcoming food binge feels. Once I feel a binge coming on I've never once been able to avoid it. Worst of all is that it takes weeks or months to get pointed back in the right direction.

When I woke up today I needed to EAT, & it wasn't just a food craving, it was a binge. I adjusted my DietPower from having me lose 2 pounds a week, to a maintenance diet. That gave me 1000 calories a day more to eat, plus whatever I may earn in working out. I ate a good breakfast with lots of water, some coffee, & a bit more fat than I usually would have. Through trial & error I have learned moderate amounts of fat help satisfy cravings & bad food tendencies. Having coffee helps too, not sure why, but it most definitely does. & obviously water helps because the body can confuse dehydration & hunger (great advise Misty, thanks). After the first meal my cravings subsided, not much but at least I didn't feel like eating EVERYTHING!

I did the same thing for lunch. I ate what I was craving, which was 2 egg sandwiches with mayonnaise on whole wheat bread. I also had a bunch of water & a diet Mountain Dew. Not the best meal for an endurance athlete, but my goal today was to right the ship, not eat the perfectly designed athletic recovery meal here. Now, did you notice I was able to stop at 2 sandwiches? The list of foods I ate doesn't go on for half a page here!!!!Shortly after lunch I felt almost no cravings at all. By golly I did it!!!!!! I'm still on track to getting to 195. Perhaps even 185!!!!! This is the first time I was able to stop the evil downward spiral! HURAY!!!!!!!! Good for me, bad for competing Clydesdales everywhere:)

reevaluating my goals & the beginning of a family tradition

This Sunday I got the worst stomach flue I've ever had. I'll save you the gruesome details but along with the usual problems it also came with horrid cold shivers, the sweats, and aches all over. Although I'm well enough now to go to work, my stomach still gets upset if I eat anything other than bland foods. Most people would lose weight under those circumstances. Not me. I have to avoid foods like saltine crackers, Nila Wafers, & Graham Crackers because those are my comfort/binge foods. Even when I'm struggling to keep food down due to sickness I can still eat enough of them to gain weight, & today marks the third day of me being unable to eat anything but my kryptonite foods. Before I got sick I was 205, now I'm afraid to get on the scale for fear of what I'll see.

The good news is I feel motivated to start eating healthy again as soon as my stomach can tolerate it- tomorrow, hopefully. The desire to eat well comes as a relief to me. This is only the third time I've been at or below 205 since starting to compete in triathlons.When I'm at or below 205 pounds I'm very fast. Last September weighing 204 I qualified for the Half Max National Championships, something I had never even dreamed I could accomplish.

It's always some minor bump in the road such as this weekend that knocks me off the diet wagon. I've been on a roll continuously dropping weight the last few months. This will be my first true test of whether I can right the ship. I'm hoping & praying to God I can. The Red Man Half Iron is in 3 weeks & next year I'm planning on having "my year to remember", the kind of year I could sit around & tell my Grand kids about. That happening hinges upon whether I can stop the momentum of eating my comfort foods, it depends on whether the stress of being unable to be in complete control of my diet has started the landslide I've been all to often unable to control, it depends on whether I can stay on the diet wagon PLUS lose another 1o pounds after that.

The usual weight my body tends to want to maintain even with the high amounts of miles I log each week swimming, biking, & running is 227. My (new) goal is to race at no more than 195 all of 2010, but he truth be known I'd rather be at 185.

During this struggle I have had of loving ultra endurance triathlons, having a slow metabolism, & a tendency to eat for emotional support I've noticed a pattern. The lower I get my body weight, the more of a struggle it is to maintain that weight. If you frequent my blog you may have noticed my goals have changed. I had hoped of racing all of 2010 at 185 pounds, and dreamed of 175. Not anymore. I'm unsure, shaken to the bone. I keep thinking to myself,"how can this be happening AGAIN?". When in fact I don't yet know if it has.

I've dropped to my dream weight two other times. Each time I reached my goal weight I self destructed. I'm praying to God the combination of having lost weight much more slowly this time, having more knowledge of the nutritional needs of endurance athletics, & having a goal that isn't as strict will keep me on the right track this time. Or, perhaps I'm just fooling myself.

All of next years dreams, aspirations, & desires are dependant upon what I'm able to accomplish tomorrow with my eating. This time I have prepared myself with a contingency plan. This time when I start to feel myself crave foods &/or eating, I wouldn't just keep plugging along trying to ignore it like I had in the past, hoping the desire would go away on it's own. It never does. I always knew it wouldn't. "Failure to plan is planning to fail". This time I have planned that if at any time I feel like I am going to fall off the wagon, I'd go to a maintenance diet. Trying to maintain my weight rather than lose 2 pounds a week gives me an extra 1000 calories a day to eat & enjoy. That new plan, hopefully, starts tomorrow. So I guess you can tune in here to get the uncensored version of my eminent success or failure.

This year I planted a garden. Sunflowers, tomatoes, cantaloupe, green chili, jalapenos, yellow peppers, zucchini, grapes, & rhubarb. Fast forward to when the plants start to sprout, the zucchini looks nothing like a zucchini should. Once it's fruit stated to grow I though it was a watermelon. It wasn't until later I realized it's a pumpkin plant.

My wife & I are expecting baby #3 (if it's up to me it wont be our last) in October, so growing pumpkins this year seems appropriate. I have come to the conclusion that growing pumpkins every year would make a great family tradition to start on the year our October baby is due!

LOL. This is the life & times of a Christian triathlete, a father, & a husband of the woman I've always dreamed of. Who could have known all that would of resulted in so much time spent training, dieting, & chasing so many children:)

A good week

Yesterday was the last day of a recovery week, or rest & test week as we triathletes call it. I feel great for the first time since early Sept. I was thinking about what could have caused such a drastic downward spiral the past couple months. I had been training & responding better from last November until this August than I have in 5.5 years of training & racing in triathlon. I've come up with 2 reasons. During the recovery weeks I'd had in the last couple months I had been sick. So I think my body was trying to fight off a sickness, thus was unable to heal my body from the intense training. I believe I was in the trows of overtraining. This is the first week I've felt great in 2 months. I feel better both mentally & physically. A depression I'd been feeling since uly has finally started to lift. I am glad to say, I really do feel great.

I believe the other, & biggest reason for me feeling better is that I have recently been leaning on God very heavily. Everyday before work I have been reading 1-2 chapters from the bible. I'm currently in chapter 3 of Luke. I've been praying more than I had been in a very long time. & I believe that has led to the improvements in my well being. God rewards his followers faithfulness. I've been praying for God to help with my depression. & especially this week, He has helped me feel happy again.

One of the things I've been praying for in the overall scheme of life truly is unimportant. I've been praying for God to help me with my eating/weight issues. As most of the readers of my blog know, I have MAJOR food issues. Much like a drug addict will turn to their drug of choice when they are stressed, sad, or have any kind of emotional stress. I turn to food. Most people turn to food for comfort a little. But to the degree I do it, there's no doubt there's a serious addiction problem going on. Thank goodness my addiction is food, because if I turned to alcohol to the degree I turn to food there's no doubt I'd of died of alcohol poisoning long ago. This last couple of weeks I haven't binged once. That feels great to be able to write. I HAVEN'T BINGED ONCE IN OVER 2 WEEKS! First time since late June that I could say that. Since July I had gone from 188 pounds to 2 weeks ago being a thick & miserable 217. I'm not currently dieting at all. An athlete should never try & lose weight before a big "A" race (Ironman Arizona, the biggest race of my life is now only 1 month & 3 days away). But since I've
started praying more I've dropped 8 pounds. I'm currently at 209. God knows me, & He chooses to help me in my fight with the bulge even though that particular concern really is frivolous in the grand scheme of things.

In church on Sunday my pastor told us he is starting a blog. His blog is now listed in My "blogs I follow" list. It is called A Glory Hunter. I found another blog yesterday while online that I am very excited about reading. It's written by Mark W Jr. He's a guy I've looked up to for many years. He's been very devoted in his walk with Christ for as long as I've known him. He's been an inspiration in my life since I found God back in 1999. What's so amazing about this guy is he's only 20, yet for 9 years he's been one of the best examples to me of what kind of a person I'd like to be. Faithful & strong in his walk with God. Always setting an example by his actions. Works tirelessly in helping others walk with the Lord. His blog is called One Thirst. Mark is in the army, & is currently deployed in a war zone right now. In the last 3 weeks his unit has had direct hits twice by mortar attacks. Many of the soldiers in his unit have died in thew last 3 weeks. Any out there who may read this, please please pray for him, the troops of his unit, & their families.

Thank you for tuning in. & SWtri gal, Iron Outlaw, the Clyeologist, & Boots Wiggins, I just wanted to thank you again for your support & words of encouragement the last month. They helped more than you could know.
Peace!

Still standing

I took my family camping at Vallecito lake Colorado which is right right outside of Durango. We left bright & early on Tuesday, and returned late Friday night. The last non-triathlon vacation we had was last year about this same time. This trip was long overdue. We mostly did a lot of relaxing & family time. Since I've been working 72+ hrs a week since last September all that family time was a very special treat for all of us. I had brought all my training gear & had every intention of training each morning. Didn't happen. Not only did I miss 4 workouts in row, I also got hit with the "big one". I've been waiting for the "big one". I knew it was coming. I didn't know exactly when, but I knew it would come sooner than later. I have lost sleep over when it would show & how I would respond. Well it hit me this weekend, & it hit me harder than I had even had even feared it would.

What's the "big one" you ask? Eventually after I've lost weight I get hit with this overwhelming need to gain weight. I don't know why, I can't explain it. The "big one" is different than all the other binges I go on for the usual reasons of stress, overwhelming emotions, celebrations, etc. I know when the big one hits because its an uncontrollable & overwhelming need that goes beyond a physical craving like usual. I'm not sure if I can explain this properly, but it feels as if my body knows it's thin & there's an overwhelming need to thicken up. As best as I can tell when this happens to me it feels like I'm trying to build up emotional padding, & the weight is my defensive mechanism. When this feeling has hit me on the occasions I had lost a lot of weight I knew without any question to just throw away all my clothes I'd bought since I'd lost weight. There was nothing I could do but ride the binges to a new all time high body weight. I've gained as much as 60 pounds in a little over 3 months when the "big one" hits me. The only thing that's been consistent when this happens is that it's uncontrollable, & I'm unable to get back on the weight loss wagon for many many months. Usually years.

This time it hit me on Tuesday. No warning. But I recognized it when it hit. I'll save you the gory details. I recognized this binge & knew this binge was different from all the other ones. This was the one I'd been waiting for, it always finds me. From Tuesday until Saturday morning I had gone from 188 to 205 pounds. Yup, your reading that correctly. A 17 pound gain in 4 days. The amount I'd gained in such a short period of time wasn't unusual. The unexplainable feeling of comfort as I got visibly fatter each day wasn't unusual. But Saturday morning was unusual. Saturday morning I was happy -no I was elated! I had regained control. I may not know why the big one hits. But I know why this time was different. I have come to realize that my uncontrollable eating is not something that is happening to me because I'm weak. I didn't beat myself up by saying to myself such stupid things like "be a man, take control of yourself & stop eating!" I realized this was something that's a part of me. I don't know why. But it's going to happen. And when it does it is something that needs to be managed. It has nothing to do with self control or inner strength.

I tried to control the amount of eating I was doing (obviously I failed there). & I didn't dwell on what had happened thus far. I tried to minimize it to as small an amount of days as possible. In that aspect I did great! You may be thinking "dude, you gained the amount of weight in 4 days that took you 3 months to lose. What are you so dang happy about?". The point is my friend, for the first time in my life I was able to stop the downward spiral. I gained control. No, that doesn't explain it well enough. I stopped the uncontrollability. Yes, that's what I did.

I'm back to eating healthy. & now I'm armed with the knowledge that I can continue to live life eating healthy most of the time and being a relatively light & fast triathlete. I'm someone who can regain control of the darkest aspect of my life. Life is good, & with Gods help I'm in the drivers seat once again! I'll keep you informed how my 2 goals of getting below 200 again & to my ultimate goal of 185 is going.

societies accepted prejudice

I'm well aware that some of my posts about my overeating aren't pretty, & that some people will be uncomfortable with my rampant & destructive overeating. I am trying to keep a promise I've made with myself- to accept responsibility while at the same time striving to shed guilt & leave shame behind I don't think I am shirking if I say I don't believe that I could have behaved any differently than I had. There is a paradox at work there. At each particular moment & with every bite of food I took in, I had a choice. By eating so rampantly, I made the wrong choice again & again. But in a broader, deeper way, I don't believe I had a choice at all. Something was controlling me.

If the exact nature of the fat disease is beyond my understanding, some of it's implications have become painfully clear to me during the 7 years I was overweight to obese. During the time of 2000-2007 I had been shunned for dates, heard unkind nick-names, I came to know firsthand about our culture's deep biases against fat people.

Like every form of prejudice, those biases interfere with our being seen as individuals. Once someone got to know me I became a person. I was Cody. But until that point was reached-if it ever was- I was a stereotype, a silhouette, a cut out with a rounded shape not deemed to be attractive.

If the bias against fat begins as a prejudice regarding how we look, it ends up running much deeper. People tend to make all sorts of assumptions about those of us who are fat. They tend to imagine that in some perverse way we have chosen to be fat & that we could be thin if only we'd get a grip & show some discipline, if only we'd rise up off our fat behinds & get some exercise. In allot of cases its not that easy. Unfat people tend to blame us for our burden even though its our burden, not theirs.

Not only do many people disapprove of us for being fat; they feel perfectly free to show it. Even now, in the 21st century, as we are finally becoming respectful of diversity in things like race & gender, we as a culture still seem to condone sneering & smirking at fat people. Unfat people seem to think it's fine to stare at what we order in restaurants & glare if it doesn't meet with their approval. Fat jokes are still a staple of so-called comedy on TV & in the movies. Fat stereotypes still abound. A fat man is likely to be presented as falsely jolly or a pathetic man. A greedy politician will nearly always have an ample belly. A hero's side kick may be portrayed as fat, for comic relief. The hero of course will be lean.

These insensitive representations of fat people are bad enough if we think of fatness simply as a human difference. They become simply inexcusable as we accept the idea that fatness isn't just a difference but a disease. Can you imagine civilized people making jokes about any other disease the way they make jokes about being fat?

Now, even if you refuse to admit that fatness is a disease let me ask you, why is it ok for our society to treat fat people like they are diseased. If your friends with one, or God forbid you date a fatty, -as if being with a fat man cast doubt on their own attractiveness. Some of the people I've debated this with say its because fatness is a choice. We are fat because we are to lazy not to be. Its true, I can, & did, just like any other fat person could, take steps to become thinner, or in societies eyes become better looking & more attractive. A person who gets cancer, isn't it their choice to get treatment. If they are unsuccessful at that treatment, could any person in their right mind make fun of them or treat them unkindly? People make that choice to treat fat people poorly all the time. I felt horrid about myself every moment I was fat. I didn't like myself. Others made me not like myself, because they acted like they didn't like me. Others treated me differently once I got fat who had never treated me poorly before. I'll never forget the day a family member whom I loved & trusted pulled me aside & told me to be a good Father & husband I needed to not be overweight. Why would he say that to me? I was still the same person I was before I had gained my weight. I feel so bad for people who are fat because of the way they are treated. Treating someone differently because they are fat, being uncomfortable having to talk to one, or being disgusted if you are on a blind date with one is a prejudice. Think prejudice is to harsh a word? Could someone imagine the uproar there would be if someone actually suggested a person of color get some kind of treatment to become less dark so that they will be more successful, trusted, or even accepted? How virulent is today's bias against fat? I recently came across a study in which a group of collage students were asked whom they would least likely marry. When the results were tallied, it turned out these students would Rather be wed to a cocaine user, a former mental patient, a shoplifter, a sexually promiscuous partner, a communist, an atheist, or a blind person than someone who is fat. Welcome to a fat persons life. That's what people hint, & even say to us everyday.

Be nice, fat people are human too. We have emotions just like everyone else, if anything we are even more sensitive than most because we are so often the brunt of mistreatment. Don't treat us differently because we're the same person no matter what we weigh. Its not healthy to be overweight, but we shouldn't be treated like we are doing something wrong.