weightlifting, boxing, and depression

I've been wanting to start doing cardio, but I'm pushing my body to the max with weightlifting. Anytime I've added some sort of cycling or running into my training regiment i end up overtraining and getting sick. Then it occurred to me that most of weightlifting is legs and the types of cardio I'm doing is also legs. So what if i started adding cardio that primarily  worked the upper body?  But what could i do to raise my heart rate using my upper body? BOXING! Hitting a heavy bag! So i found a heavy bag and gloves on Craig's list for only $50. I'll be picking it up tomorrow. It'll be a fun workout that wont fatigue my legs as much, and it'll be great training for my career as a correctional officer at the prison.

For the last 9 years I was forced to work 80-90 hours a week. Working that much and sleeping so little caused me to be severely depressed. For the last month I've been able to slow down on overtime. I assumed once i was able to work less and sleep more my depression would go away. It hasn't. Perhaps i need to wait longer? Expecting the consequences of 9 years of hell to go away after only a month might be asking to much, but it sucks finally being home and having the time to do things but not have any interest in anything at all. I got so used to going through the motions of life even though i felt horrible that now it feels like i forgot how to feel happy. I don't mean to sound like a pussy, but in the last 4 years I've gained 130 pounds. I'm so over weight I've developed sleep apnea and i just don't care. Now that I'm working less I don't have an excuse to feel like this, but i still do. What gives?

I wasn't lying if i really believed it was true

Today was the third day i was following a healthy eating plan. Between that and my new goals (see yesterdays blog post) i was pretty excited to go to Miller weightlifting to train and to share my new goals and motivations with my coach and fellow gym rats. The response was not what i was expecting. There was awkward glances at one another and a half hearted "sounds good." They might as well of laughed out loud and said, "bullshit". My feelings were hurt, but i shouldn't of expected anything different. I've announced hundreds of times that,

 "I'm going on a diet." 

"I've lost 5 pounds!"

"I'm going to do it this time! "

"One of my old t-shirts fit for the first time in weeks."

All of these grand announcements end up with the same results. Me falling off the wagon and gaining all of my weight back and more. This time is different. I know,  i always say that. But this time i believe it's true. Time to put mt words into action. 

2015 & 2016 Olympic weightlifting goals

When i first started weightlifting in December of 2013 my ultimate goal was to beat an amazing local weightlifter by the name of Barry Schroeder. After watching him lift at a couple meets and seeing him break every New Mexico weightlifting record in both the 94k & 105k thirty five to thirty nine age group i decided to change my goals to something more realistic. 

On August 1st 2014, only 8 months into the sport of weightlifting i was strong enough to break the 105k+ forty to forty four age group New Mexico weightlifting state records. At that time I also become motivated to lose weight and i decided I'd attempt to break the state records in the 105k & 94k forty to forty four age group New Mexico state weightlifting records as i lost weight. Shortly after setting those new goals i fell off the diet wagon and gave up on losing weight. Since then I've gained more weight, for the first time in my life I'm over 300 pounds and I've developed the beginning stages of sleep apnea. So here i am motivated once again to break state records as i lose weight and get to an ideal body weight.  

Barry Schroeder will age up and start lifting in my age group in 2017. So i have until early 2017 to break the old 105k & 94k records, after which its possible he'll crush any records i set between now and then. Or the other option is I gain enough strength to accomplish my original goal of beating Barry Schroeder so my records will stand regardless of what age group he's in. 


My current best lifts after 12 months of Olympic weightlifting are:
Snatch 79k 
Clean and jerk 103k 
Total 182


The records for the 105k 40-44AG are: 
95k snatch set by Doug Briggs in 1999 (I'm currently 16k away from this state record)
122k clean and jerk set by Doug Briggs in 2000 (19k away)
215k total set by Doug Briggs in 1999 (35k away)


The 94k weight class state records are:
100k Snatch set by Jim Snyder in 2005 (I'm currently 21k away from this state record)
117.5k clean and jerk set by Jim Snyder in 2005 (15.5k away)
217.5k total set in 2005 by a Jim Snyder (36.5k away)

exercise bulimia

Well, as you saw from my last post I fell off the weight loss wagon again. I've dieted a thousand times and have never been able to continue to eat healthy or keep the weight off. The closest I came to abstaining from binge eating was 9 months of abstinence and 1.5 years of maintaining a healthy body weight. 
That one time of success I was doing a some things well:
- I was going to 12 step meetings
- I was working with a sponsor
- I was working the 12 steps
- I was praying
- I wrote out a meal plan daily
- I was exercising regularly

The things I was doing wrong:
- I was too obsessed with triathlon and put in so much time training it was taking a crazy amount of time away my family and God 
- I was an Exercise bulimic

I still can't figure out if I had that one long streak of success with my weight and eating because of the good things I was doing or if it was because of the bad things I was doing. 

I found something in the AA book that I'm afraid is me. In chapter 5 of the AA book it says:

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves."

I'm killing myself by overeating. I can't stop. I don't know what to do. My wife is starting to get scared. I can't stop.

rebound day

I had a stressful weekend, then on on Monday I had a horrible day of lifting thanks to stress and binge eating. I didn't pray once all weekend. I felt like I hit rock bottom this weekend. I've been eating well since then, eating a few hundred calories below my metabolic rate. I hope I can continue to eat well and continue to keep the Lord in my life even during stressful times. Perhaps I'll even be able to get down to my short term goal weight of 235lbs, eventually getting down the 205lbs.

Today I showed up at Miller weightlifting for clean and jerk day. I felt tentative at best. If I struggled on Monday's snatch day, with snatches being my strength, then what would today be like? Coach Shane Miller had seen I'd struggled horribly during my last workout so he spent some extra time coaching me, telling what to focus on, dealing with bad lifting days and self doubt, and how to make today's lifts. It worked perfectly. I missed my first 2 heavy lifts, but nailed my last two with perfect form setting a lifetime best clean and jerk. It's amazing the difference having a knowledgeable and passionate coach makes.

eat like crap perform like crap

The last week has been so stressful. Each of our vehicles broke down 18 hours apart, our swamp cooler is getting worked on, my wife and kids went camping with my emotionally abusive and controlling mother and her husband, my cousin and her kids are visiting, and I miss my natural father who still refuses to to call or visit. Friday and Saturday I missed my scheduled workouts which is my way of dealing with stress in a healthy way. So this weekend I ate like crap. I usually do when I'm stressed, but this weekends diet was REALLY BAD! worst few days of eating I've had all year. Yesterday I didn't eat anything with any protein in it, it was all crap. Last night I knew I screwed up when I woke up with excruciating leg cramps. My body was going catabolic, eating my own muscles.

Usually olympic weightlifting, especially snatch day, calms me, makes everything feel better. Thanks to having virtually no protein and nothing but crap all weekend this morning I missed all my big lifts this morning. No stress relief in being weaker than I was last week.

I desperately want to drop 60-70 pounds and maintain an average weight of 234 pounds so that I could bounce back and forth between the heavy weight and super heavyweight division, but to do that I'd have to control my eating and I don't see that happening. This whole binge eating thing never ends with me. Sometimes I can control it for a short while, but it always returns with a vengeance.

2nd treadmill tabata workout

Todays workout was a day for recovery from strength training, and hard cardio. I did a bench press workout of 5X5 at 65%. After the easy bench press routine I did a treadmill tabata. I did a 5 minute warm up then put the treadmill at a 12% grade, then ran 4 minutes of 20 seconds hard and 10 seconds recovery at a 12 min per mile pace. I felt like I was working hard at that speed. I'm pretty sure I could have ran at a slightly faster pace-, not much more though. I was close to max effort. Next Thursday I'll try the same workout with 2 minutes at a 12 minute per mile pace and 2 minutes at an 11:40 pace.

Man am I in horrible shape! It's hard to believe I used to be so good at running back in my triathlon years. I used to be able to hold a 7 minute per mile pace indefinitely. Now I struggle running sprints on a treadmill at a 12 minute per mile pace. But as long as I'm moving I'm going in the right direction. I have to keep this up and start eating healthier. Being this heavy is not ok. Yesterday my 6 year old was in a play. It hurt to sit in the chair through the whole performance. My belly is so big it pushes against my legs and makes it difficult to breath. No one should allow them self to get so fat that it's uncomfortable to breath while sitting in a chair. I'm currently 279 lbs. My first weight loss goal is to get to the 105k (232lbs)weight class in olympic weightlifting. My 2nd goal is to get to the 94k (207 lbs) weight class. Back when I was training and racing for triathlons I felt best at 200 lbs. Here's a picture of what I looked like at 186 pounds, my body fat percentage was eight & a half percent.

I figure I'll have a lot more muscle now that I'm a weightlifter, so 207 should be pretty lean and healthy for my body type. My #1 goal is to get to a healthy body weight again. While in triathlon I was at such a low body weight it was causing health problems, now I'm at the oposite end of the spectrum.

Healthy. That's where I want to be. Healthy for my wife. To support her through nursing school and the start of a wonderful career that she's always dreamed. To be be a parent and spouse with her, not just a memory. To live long enough to show my baby girl what it's like for me to love her, respect her, treat her with kindness, and listen to her thoughts, feelings, and opinions in the hopes she learns not to settle for anything less than a man who treats her the same way. I want to make sure I'm there for her to walk her down the isle. One of my wife's friends had to get married without her Dad there because he died young. I don't want to do that to my baby girl. I want to be there long enough to teach my boys how to be good, strong, and kind men. If I don't change my eating soon I wont be able to be there with them and it'll be my fault.

olympic weightlifting bib

I looked up the USAW rules and my triathlon bib fits in their rules for competition. So the good news is I can use my tri-bib to compete in Olympic weightlifting competitions, the bad news is that I don't fit into my tri-bib anymore. I need to lose at least 10 pounds before the NM state games on May 16th. If I can't fit into my tri-bib I cant compete because we cant afford to buy a weightlifting bib right now. I'll be broken hearted if I cant compete. I'm currently 279.6 pounds..... Looks like I'll start my diet tomorrow..... or maybe Friday..... or perhaps Monday...... If I can't compete in the NM state games I'll just be all that much stronger for the next competition right?

Brain injury problems and the angels who make me feel undamaged

I've had a lot of the problems listed below since my brain injury. I used to be awesome in social situations. Now I usually can't follow the ebb and flow of the conversation or I say things that don't fit, then things get uncomfortable for everyone. I see it, I feel it, and it hurts. I'm a people person. I love being around people and talking to them. Since the brain injury I feel alone a lot. Even when I'm around people I feel alone. When I'm in a big group of people I've learned to not speak unless asked a question directly because the chances are high that I'll say something stupid and everyone around me will get that "What the heck" look in their eye.

There's very few people who are patient with people who have traumatic brain injuries. There's a couple people in my gym, Faith A. and Jodi S., who seems to roll with any of my out of sync comments and coversations. They make me feel normal. I get so happy when I see them at the gym. Talking to them is some of the rare times that I talk to someone and not have the conversation make me feel like I'm abnormal or an awkward person to be around. I try to minimize my conversations with them because I don't want them to feel overwhelmed when they see me in the gym. I mean seriously, why do people go to the gym? Is it to work out or yap with the chatty dude?

On this blog post I just wanted to vent about some of the problems I've been having for the last couple years and to say thanks for great people like Faith A. and Jodi S. who are angels here on earth who make me feel like I'm normal and undamaged..

Communication problems can cause persons with TBI to have difficulty understanding and expressing information in some of the following ways:
Difficulty thinking of the right word.
Trouble starting or following conversations or understanding what others say.
Rambling or getting off topic easily.
Difficulty with more complex language skills, such as expressing thoughts in an organized manner. Trouble communicating thoughts and feelings using facial expressions, tone of voice and body language (non-verbal communication).
Having problems reading others’ emotions and not responding appropriately to another person’s feelings or to the social situation.
Misunderstanding jokes or sarcasm.
They may lack awareness of social boundaries and others’ feelings, such as being too personal with people they don’t know well or not realizing when they have made someone uncomfortable.

blog update and Miller weightlifting

It's been a LONG time since I've posted. Anytime I stop posting on my blog it usually means I've fallen off the diet wagon and I'd rather not post at all than admit how badly and how much I'm eating. Emotional eating is my biggest problem. It's my way of hiding from emotions and punishing myself. It's a good thing I'm addicted to food and not alcohol because if I binge drank like I binge eat I'd have killed myself a long time ago. I've gained 20 pounds in the last 6 weeks. I'm back up to 280. This is the 2nd heaviest I've ever weighed. I'm trying to convince myself my weight doesn't define who I am. So far I'm not convinced..

When I was 12 my Dad's girlfriend told him him he had to choose between her or me. He chose her. A few years ago I tracked him down. He lives in Truth or Consequences NM, just a few hours from where I've lived since 1989. 6 weeks ago my grandpa (my Dad's Dad) died. Thankfully a cousin tracked me down to tell me, otherwise I'd never have known, my Dad didn't care enough to tell me.. My wife kids and I drove to southern Texas for the funeral. My natural father was there, along with his entire family. It was extremely uncomfortable. Everyone kept asking where I'd been, why haven't they seen me since I was a kid? I had no idea what to say without trashing my Dad to his brothers, Aunts, etc. It was very awkward.

Less than a month later my uncle died and we drove to Kansas for that funeral too. Same side of the family, same questions. It unburied a lot of my resentment and anger. I came so close to telling them the truth. That my Dad abandoned me when I was a kid and when I needed him most, that because he disappeared from my life even though he knew my Mom was unstable and abusive I ended up living on the streets, alone, a homeless teenager.

Because of the 2 funerals in less than a month, the loss of work, and the cost of travel I'm back to working 80 hours every 6 days. I'm tired. I'm burned out. I am so sick and tired of working in a prison. In the last month I've developed TMJ because the entire time I'm at work I'm so stressed I clench my jaws. It's causing migraines and a myriad of other irritating problems. I'm eligible to retire next year. 242 days left. I can't wait. It's so unhealthy and stressful in a prison for both staff and inmates, such an unhealthy place.

Because of current financial struggles I'm going to have to miss the NASA strength competition in Gallup NM in late April. I have to admit, that hurts. I wanted to compete in that so badly!

On the flip side, even though I've been stressed, eating like crap, working WAY to much, and not sleeping enough, my strength is shooting through the roof! In the last 3 days I've set 7 PR's, one of which tied the state record for the clean and jerk in the super heavyweight division 40-44 age group!!! Shane Miller of Miller weightlifting is a genius. I'm accomplishing things I never dreamed I'd be able to accomplish!

2nd treadmill tabata of 2014

Today I completed my 2nd treadmill tabata of 2014. This time I wanted to push myself harder than I have in awhile so I increased the treadmills elevation to %12 and ran at a 10:45 pace for the hard sets. The goal was to run 10 hard sets worth. Even though I pushed myself to the point where my legs were almost collapsing and I was getting dizzy I was only able to run 8 hard sets. Next time I'll decrease my pace to a 10:56 and try for the full 10 sets. Once I 'm able to complete the full 10 I'll start increasing the speed I'm running and the amounts of hard sets I'm completing.

This morning I received a call from a loved one to tell me my grandpa died last night. His funeral will be held outside of Dallas Texas. I usually cover any emotions I'm having with eating. I'm going to try really dang hard to do a lot of praying, working out, and talking to my family about my feelings rather than turning to food.

Olympic weightlifting with PTSD

Today at the gym I was ready to do my squats, but the gym was packed and all the squat racks were taken so I had to use a multi use stand in the corner of the gym. To use that stand safely I have to face the stand, keeping my back to the room so that I can rack the weight after squatting. After a couple sets I started getting a lot of anxiety. I've been a correctional officer in a prison for almost 19 years and I get really stressed out keeping my back to a room, especially a busy room with a lot of people in it. Getting ran over by a vehicle while on a bike ride Sept of 2011 seems to have made my PTSD symptoms much worse. By the end of my 5 sets of squats I was a wreck and I had to leave without doing my cardio.

On the brighter side of things I've been using saffron extract to curb my hunger. This morning I woke up weighing 256 pounds! I'm back into the 250's for the first time in a very long time baby!!!!!!! 21 more pounds to lose and I'll be out of the super heavy weight division and into the heavy weight division!

Thanksgiving, overeating, and Olympic weightlifting

In the 2 years I've been out of triathlon I've gained 105 pounds. I'm currently in my 3rd week of Olympic weightlifting training, so far I've lost 12 pounds. I'm currently 266 pounds. My goal is to get to the 85k weight class by the time I'll be competing in the masters 40-44, which is 13 1/2 months from now. I'm finally on a roll with training and weight loss.

Who doesn't struggle with their eating during the holidays? I know I do. Overeating on Thanksgiving wouldn't be that big of a deal if I could stop after that one day. But the next day there's leftovers- can't let them go to waste! After a couple days of binge eating pumpkin pie, stuffing and cranberry sauce, etc I've gained back a month of weight loss! And even after the leftovers are gone I've so thoroughly enjoyed eating whatever I want and however much I want that I still can't get my eating back under control. Sometimes I can't stop eating tons of crap until well after the new year. This year I want to make sure I keep on track to make my goal of dropping 79 pounds and reaching the 85k class by Jan 1st 2015, so I'm not going to have Thanksgiving with my family this year. I'm volunteering for a 16 hour work shift at at the prison. I'm not sure if this is a great idea to keep my eating under control or a bad idea because I struggle with social situations and have a tendency to keep myself isolated. Either way I have to lose an average of 5.86 pounds a month for the next 13 1/2 months to reach my goal and this year I WON'T be binge eating during the holidays!

weight, triathlon, diet, Saffron Extract Satiereal, and a change of mind

Below the links is my post. The links are my trial and posts about Saffron Extract Satiereal:
June 24th 2012http://cody-the-clydsdale.blogspot.com/2012/06/running-on-broken-toe-saffron-extract.html

June 7th 2012 http://cody-the-clydsdale.blogspot.com/2012/06/saffron-extract-satiereal-appetite.html

June 6th http://cody-the-clydsdale.blogspot.com/2012/06/weight-triathlon-diet-and-change-of.html

Last month I'd said that I'd start writing on my blog about my struggles with food. At first when I decided to write openly about my weight and food issues I felt great. I felt like I was getting years of junk off my shoulders , and the possibility of helping others who struggle with their weight like I do was even better. But I've decided I'm not going to post on my blog that I struggle with an eating disorder very often anymore. My skin just isn't thick enough. Many of the comments I received were well meaning, but they hurt my feelings.

One well meaning fellow told me when I succumb to my over eating I am sinning against God, that I was an adulterer, and an idolater. He said if I continued to fall off the wagon and overeat then my sin was the same as a homosexual who succumbed to his desires, and that if I continued to overeat I should question if I had truly accepted Christ into my heart. Ultimately I agree with what he said about sin, but the delivery was totally unacceptable. As a more mature christian he should have attempted to lead by the biblical model, like Jesus did, by teaching with love in his heart. I believe a much better approach would have been to say my overeating is a sin, Jesus loves sinners, and that there's healing through Jesus. At that point he could have gently and kinly explained how that was possible through Jesus Christ. But I feel instead he was trying to make me feel bad enough about myself and my sin that I may be led to turn to Christ out of guilt or fear. But for me the opposite is true. I love Jesus so much that my love for Him motivates me to repent of my sins.

This well meaning fellow also advised me that there is no such thing as addictions, the struggles I'm faced with are caused by my heart being filled with sin. So in that case I'll attempt not to use the phrase addiction anymore, I'll call it what it always has been, an eating disorder.

From now on I'll be more than happy to help anyone who struggles with their weight, or their relationship with food. Simply email me and I'll jump to offer all the assistance I can muster, but I wont be writing about my eating disorder very often on my blog anymore, it's not worth the heart ache.

Thanks to me gaining 20 pounds earlier this year I'm not gaining speed from my training as quickly as I had the last time I was training for sprint distance triathlons. And thanks to me dieting to drop the the extra weight I'd packed on I'm not recovering as quickly as I normally do. My legs are constantly tight, sore, and I feel fatigued. I'd still be healing quickly enough to be responding well from my training if I was dieting moderately, but I'm attempting to drop 3 pounds a week. That means cutting out 1,500 calories a day from my diet. I've been miserable with hunger every second of the day since dropping to this low of calories, so I ordered some Saffron Extract Satiereal. I heard about Saffron Extract Satiereal on the Dr Ozz show, it's a hunger suppressant that has no stimulants in it. I know that it's stupid to use hunger suppressants, especially while training as hard as I am now. I've never used any pills like this before, I just want to get back down to my dream weight of 179. After being attacked from my posts on my eating disorder, and because of the suddenness and severity of the crappy feelings that was a result of them, I just want a quick victory to lift my spirits. My desires to feel happier and me justifying my actions doesn't mean it's ok, I know it's a bad decision, but it's my consequences to suffer. I'm currently weighing in at 189, I have 10 pounds to lose. With the use of the Saffron Extract Satiereal pills 10 pounds of weight loss should take me 24 days. I've always been honest here on my blog. I'd prefer this not to become a debate and I'd prefer to not end up reading some more well meaning but ultimately hurtful comments. If you have any feeling on this matter, kindly keep them to yourselves, I don't think I can handle anymore "loving guidance" for awhile.

USAT National Championship qualification and injury recovered

I received this email yesterday:

Congratulations Cody Hanson. You have qualified for the 2012 USA Triathlon Olympic Distance National Championship after finishing in the top 10 percent in your age group at the Spring Fling Triathlon.

The 2012 USA Triathlon Olympic Distance National Championship will be held in Burlington, Vermont, on August 18. Registration is currently open. This event is expected to sell out, so be sure to sign up soon.

The USA Triathlon Olympic Distance National Championship is the nation's premier Olympic-distance event with the top age group athletes from all 50 states forming one of the most prestigious fields in the sport. Athletes from each age group will qualify to represent Team USA at the 2013 International Triathlon Union World Championships in London, England.

For more information on the 2012 USA Triathlon Olympic Distance National Championship, please visit www.USATNationalEvents.org. Please note: athletes must be current USA Triathlon annual members through August 18, 2012, before registering. You may renew your membership at www.usatriathlon.org.

On Monday I ran 6.25 miles and had no problems from my pulled quad. Monday night my quad was starting to feel tight so I spent an hour on the rollers spinning and keeping my rpm's high. Spinning made the tight feeling in my thigh go away completely.

I ran 6 miles again today to see if I truly am healed up. It felt fine. As long as my leg continues to feel healthy I'll go ahead and attempt my long training days this weekend. On Friday I'm scheduled for a 3 hour bike, on Saturday I have a 90 minute run. I sure hope my leg holds up to the training, this year is my last attempt at going sub 13 hours at an Iron distance triathlon until after my wife graduates in late 2015.

On Friday and Saturday of last week I fell off the diet wagon yet again. An entire month of refraining from binge eating seems impossible, how the heck did I reach 14 months earlier this year? I dunno, but I know I keep screwing up and am gaining more and more weight. I've gained 20 pounds since early April. I'm only 5 pounds from being a Clydesdale again, and in all reality I'm only 1 binge away from being back up to 300. Man-o-man, the last 30 days has been rough.

lessons on money and life

In September 2011 my wife and I realized God wanted us to get our finances in order. He told us He wanted us to live the way it says in the bible: without debt. Since December we've paid off $24,000 in debt. Yesterday we started step 3 of Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. We are very glad to have gotten this far. We now need $10,300 to complete 3.

Since December I've worked no less than 84 hour work weeks. There were times I was so tired from all the overtime and lack of sleep that I felt like a zombie. The only thing that kept me going was the amazing love and support of my God, my wife, and constant prayer. When I'd get into a slump, when I felt I couldn't stay awake another moment I'd take a few minutes to ask for strength and endurance, and to thank God for all He'd done to help me get that far. My wife and my God have carried me through the rough times. And now we're closer than I've ever dreamed we'd be to financial peace!

When God wants me to learn a lesson, He puts me into a situation where I am forced to learn. I don't always like the lesson and I don't always like being taught. I realize God is trying to get through to me. I've been trying to figure out the lesson He's trying to teach me because I'd prefer the lesson to not get any more severe. I've been struggling with my eating disorder a lot recently. A couple weeks ago I fell off the wagon and lost 460 days of abstaining from destructive binge eating. In four and a half days of binge eating my weight shot up from 175 to 202 pounds. This is a common and dangerous problem of mine when I binge eat. A persons kidneys controls their salt and hydration as well as function as a filter. I was eating so much I was overwhelming my kidneys. It wasn't until yesterday that I realized what I've been doing wrong. I became so focused on working and paying off our debt that I gave myself permission to stop going to over eater anonymous meetings, I stopped working the 12 steps, and I stopped calling my sponsor. I'm a addict. I'll always be an addict. On page 33 of the big book it says:

"Most of us have believed if we remained abstinent for a long stretch, we could there after eat normally....once a compulsive over eater always a compulsive over eater. If we are planning to stop destructive eating, there must be no lurking notion that someday we will be immune to food."

I've learned on multiple occasions that when I don't think my compulsive binge eating is a problem, it comes back with a vengeance. I have to realize I'll never be a normal eater. I have to continue working the program & keeping in mind that I am & always will be an addict. I need to take steps daily to keep my addiction in check. I have to follow a food plan, avoid sugar, NEVER eat at buffets, and most importantly I need to walk with God or I will relapse!

Today I've realized I need to continue to work hard on finishing the plan we have addopted from The Total Money Makeover, but I also need to continue staying healthy and working on my problems with food. Today I'm calling my sponsor. I'm going to ask if he's willing to sponsor me again. I'm going to start working the 12 steps again.

This week is the 1st time I've written openly about my eating disorder on my blog. I'm still a little apprehensive and embarrassed to write about my struggles with food and binge eating, but I'm tired of hiding who I am. I'm tired of fighting this addiction alone. "It doesn't take a real man to fight. It takes a real man to reach out his hand."

I'm hoping that others who are struggling with addictions can find some strength and knowledge from my blog by reading about my progress and recovery. Who knows, I might even find some encouragement and support of my own along the way.

Mesa Valley triathlon 2012 race report

Sunday April 1st 2012 the Mesa Valley triathlon was held in Las Cruces NM. It's a fast and fun course. The race director is Mark Mico of Tri Sport Coaching. He puts on the best races in the South West. The courses are always well marked, the results are posted very quickly, and the age group awards are top notch wooden plaques.
The Mesa Valley triathlon was my 79th multi sport race, and my 62nd triathlon.

I've never struggled with my eating the morning of a race before. Race mornings I've always ate perfectly, being totally focused on the race at hand. The morning of the Mesa Valley triathlon 2012 was the first time I'd ever binge ate before a triathlon. While warming up for the race my belly was uncomfortably full. I was afraid having ate as much as I did I'd struggle with stomach cramps during the race, but thankfully once the race started my body seemed to have no problems at all. I've been struggling with my eating disorder horribly in the past month, I haven't struggled this much in a couple years. I'm not sure what the reason has been. Somethings going on and if I don't figure it out I'm going to be back into the 290 pound range in no time.

I finished the triathlon in 1 hour 10 minutes 45 seconds taking 25th place out of 152 triathletes overall, and 2nd place in my age group of 14. I broke my previous Mesa Valley triathlon PR of 1 hour 23 minutes 10 seconds by 13 minutes! Considering I didn't train much in the off season, had gained 11 pounds in late March, separated my shoulder in a bike wreck last week, was unable to raise my right arm above shoulder height without a lot of pain, and was racing with about 10 pounds of extra food in my stomach I was very happy with my results.

I think God was watching out for me race morning. I was struggling with my addiction. My addiction has proven time and time again to be more powerful than my strongest will power and more cunning than my best laid out plan, and when it made it's unwelcome appearance in the worst possible time God stepped in on my behalf. My eating disorder may be to much for me to bear, but it's nothing for God to handle. That morning it was as if He was saying to me, "Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

"I'm listening God, I really am."

My next race will be the Spring Fling triathlon in Rio Rancho NM on April 22nd 2012. It will be my 3rd race of the South West Challenge Series. I currently have 19 points and am in 1st place in the 35-39 age group division.

Cochiti swim, great support, & my dang weight issue!

Today I took my family to Cochiti lake. My wife & I had a picnic & played with our babies. After that I put on my wet suit & did some open water swimming. I felt fast & comfortable. Much more so than any other open water swim I've ever done. Part of that is I'm 27 pounds lighter than my normal race weight. I fit in my wet suit better so I don't feel like I'm being squeezed to death by a boa constrictor. The major reason I felt so comfortable in the water is I'm swimming consistently for the first time in my triathlon career. Imagine that!

I am dieing to find out how far it was from the shore line at the swim area, out to the buoy on the far left, following along the outside of the boat buoy's, until the far right shore line. If anyone knows please let me in on the secret.

I'm so very grateful for the support system I have in life & in triathlon. I've fallen off the diet wagon for the last 3 days. It started on my first full day of vacation. Celebration is a big food trigger for me. I'm sure excitement about my up coming race is also a huge contributing factor also.

On of the first motivators for me to stop overeating was today I drove to Alb & picked up my bike from JusMe. He cleaned & tuned up my bike. He even took off the race numbers I'd left on my bike from the last year of racing! As soon as I saw my tri-machine looking completely clean & ready to roll I got motivated to race! And who can race fat? Not me!

The other big help was a great guy & blogger was in town for work. I got to hang with him, talk triathlon, & even watch an episode of The biggest Loser. While here he talked to me about triathlon racing & our issues with weight. He helped me realize I'll never be cured. I can't be perfect ALL of the time. But I can be perfect %85 of the time. I was beginning to feel after 3 days all was lost & I was on the downward slide. But like JusMe says,"it's not a road without some bumps along the way".

I'm bound to get knocked on my butt on from time to time. That doesn't make my journey to becoming an ultra-thin, ultra endurance triathlete a failure. & failing at accomplishing that goal wouldn't even make me a failure. I'm a success at what's most important to me, being a follower of Christ, a father, & a husband. 10 years ago I wouldn't have thought I could be worth 2 shakes of a dogs tail at any of those things. But I am.

Giving up on my weight loss goal would mean I had stopped trying. & I don't believe I have any quit in me. I'm a stubborn, hard working, dedicated man in all things. Diet just seems to be the one area I'm going to have to get up & dust myself off from most often. & tomorrow I'm going to do just that. For tomorrow I WILL be a success. I will be back on the wagon. I will eventually fall off again. I know that, but I will continue to get up as many times as it takes to succeed at becoming the triathlete I so desperately desire to be.... a thin one.

that's a first!

I woke today wanting to eat, needing to binge. That same old story for me. Its never easy getting so close to a goal (185-195 pounds) & seeing it, in one single day start to slip away so quickly. That is exactly what has always happened to me once I get near or at my goal race weight. There is a clear difference in the way a craving feels & an upcoming food binge feels. Once I feel a binge coming on I've never once been able to avoid it. Worst of all is that it takes weeks or months to get pointed back in the right direction.

When I woke up today I needed to EAT, & it wasn't just a food craving, it was a binge. I adjusted my DietPower from having me lose 2 pounds a week, to a maintenance diet. That gave me 1000 calories a day more to eat, plus whatever I may earn in working out. I ate a good breakfast with lots of water, some coffee, & a bit more fat than I usually would have. Through trial & error I have learned moderate amounts of fat help satisfy cravings & bad food tendencies. Having coffee helps too, not sure why, but it most definitely does. & obviously water helps because the body can confuse dehydration & hunger (great advise Misty, thanks). After the first meal my cravings subsided, not much but at least I didn't feel like eating EVERYTHING!

I did the same thing for lunch. I ate what I was craving, which was 2 egg sandwiches with mayonnaise on whole wheat bread. I also had a bunch of water & a diet Mountain Dew. Not the best meal for an endurance athlete, but my goal today was to right the ship, not eat the perfectly designed athletic recovery meal here. Now, did you notice I was able to stop at 2 sandwiches? The list of foods I ate doesn't go on for half a page here!!!!Shortly after lunch I felt almost no cravings at all. By golly I did it!!!!!! I'm still on track to getting to 195. Perhaps even 185!!!!! This is the first time I was able to stop the evil downward spiral! HURAY!!!!!!!! Good for me, bad for competing Clydesdales everywhere:)

reevaluating my goals & the beginning of a family tradition

This Sunday I got the worst stomach flue I've ever had. I'll save you the gruesome details but along with the usual problems it also came with horrid cold shivers, the sweats, and aches all over. Although I'm well enough now to go to work, my stomach still gets upset if I eat anything other than bland foods. Most people would lose weight under those circumstances. Not me. I have to avoid foods like saltine crackers, Nila Wafers, & Graham Crackers because those are my comfort/binge foods. Even when I'm struggling to keep food down due to sickness I can still eat enough of them to gain weight, & today marks the third day of me being unable to eat anything but my kryptonite foods. Before I got sick I was 205, now I'm afraid to get on the scale for fear of what I'll see.

The good news is I feel motivated to start eating healthy again as soon as my stomach can tolerate it- tomorrow, hopefully. The desire to eat well comes as a relief to me. This is only the third time I've been at or below 205 since starting to compete in triathlons.When I'm at or below 205 pounds I'm very fast. Last September weighing 204 I qualified for the Half Max National Championships, something I had never even dreamed I could accomplish.

It's always some minor bump in the road such as this weekend that knocks me off the diet wagon. I've been on a roll continuously dropping weight the last few months. This will be my first true test of whether I can right the ship. I'm hoping & praying to God I can. The Red Man Half Iron is in 3 weeks & next year I'm planning on having "my year to remember", the kind of year I could sit around & tell my Grand kids about. That happening hinges upon whether I can stop the momentum of eating my comfort foods, it depends on whether the stress of being unable to be in complete control of my diet has started the landslide I've been all to often unable to control, it depends on whether I can stay on the diet wagon PLUS lose another 1o pounds after that.

The usual weight my body tends to want to maintain even with the high amounts of miles I log each week swimming, biking, & running is 227. My (new) goal is to race at no more than 195 all of 2010, but he truth be known I'd rather be at 185.

During this struggle I have had of loving ultra endurance triathlons, having a slow metabolism, & a tendency to eat for emotional support I've noticed a pattern. The lower I get my body weight, the more of a struggle it is to maintain that weight. If you frequent my blog you may have noticed my goals have changed. I had hoped of racing all of 2010 at 185 pounds, and dreamed of 175. Not anymore. I'm unsure, shaken to the bone. I keep thinking to myself,"how can this be happening AGAIN?". When in fact I don't yet know if it has.

I've dropped to my dream weight two other times. Each time I reached my goal weight I self destructed. I'm praying to God the combination of having lost weight much more slowly this time, having more knowledge of the nutritional needs of endurance athletics, & having a goal that isn't as strict will keep me on the right track this time. Or, perhaps I'm just fooling myself.

All of next years dreams, aspirations, & desires are dependant upon what I'm able to accomplish tomorrow with my eating. This time I have prepared myself with a contingency plan. This time when I start to feel myself crave foods &/or eating, I wouldn't just keep plugging along trying to ignore it like I had in the past, hoping the desire would go away on it's own. It never does. I always knew it wouldn't. "Failure to plan is planning to fail". This time I have planned that if at any time I feel like I am going to fall off the wagon, I'd go to a maintenance diet. Trying to maintain my weight rather than lose 2 pounds a week gives me an extra 1000 calories a day to eat & enjoy. That new plan, hopefully, starts tomorrow. So I guess you can tune in here to get the uncensored version of my eminent success or failure.

This year I planted a garden. Sunflowers, tomatoes, cantaloupe, green chili, jalapenos, yellow peppers, zucchini, grapes, & rhubarb. Fast forward to when the plants start to sprout, the zucchini looks nothing like a zucchini should. Once it's fruit stated to grow I though it was a watermelon. It wasn't until later I realized it's a pumpkin plant.

My wife & I are expecting baby #3 (if it's up to me it wont be our last) in October, so growing pumpkins this year seems appropriate. I have come to the conclusion that growing pumpkins every year would make a great family tradition to start on the year our October baby is due!

LOL. This is the life & times of a Christian triathlete, a father, & a husband of the woman I've always dreamed of. Who could have known all that would of resulted in so much time spent training, dieting, & chasing so many children:)