To much on to little calories

Tonight at weightlifting I could barely finish my workout. I'm exhausted. After doing minimal training the last year I jumped full throttle back into weightlifting 3 nights a week, CrossFit 3 nights a week, and calorie restriction. I'm trying to do to much, to soon, with not enough calories. Tonight I'm getting a full 9 hours sleep. Tomorrow I'll increase my calories and do less weight at CrossFit. I got much to excited about getting down to the 105k weight class. I need to slow down my weight loss and take care of my body. I'm not as young as I used to be. My body isn't nearly as able to tolerate the abuse it used to.

The 2017 masters national weightlifting championships 40-44 105+

I looked up the results for the 2017 masters national weightlifting championships for the 40-44 age  group 105+ weight class. Turns out my best meet ever would have placed me in 4th place. If I was to lose 100 lbs needed to be able to lift in the 105k weight class I'd of been in 5th place.

fat acceptance and my nutrition plan

My weight loss has plateaued. My sports nutrition coach has decided to drop 250 calories from my non-training days. He was originally going to drop 500 calories from non-training days but he decided to wait until after the 2nd annual John Davis weightlifting meet on the 23rd to drop it that much.

My weight hasn't changed in a few weeks. But I have lost a total of 12.25 inches in 8 weeks. Which is pretty cool.

For a long time I was obsessed with losing weight. I wasn't happy with myself unless I was lean. I was constantly on this emotional and physical yo-yo of losing weight and being so happy and then gaining it back and hating myself. Last month after listening to a Pandora program called This American Life: tell me im fat, I came to the realization that I can like myself even if I'm over weight. I don't have to be thin to be happy or to be loved. I'm still using a sports nutrition coach to try to drop some weight. But it's not for the same reasons as before. Before I HAD to lose weight to be happy with myself, to be content with myself and my life. Now I only want to lose weight to break the state records of the weight class below the one I'm in now. Now that weight loss is just something for me to do to be more successful at as hobby of mine it seems to have made it much easier to accomplish. I'm not sure exactly how to explain why. I think it's like when my wife was in nursing school and she'd have a big test she had to pass. She had to pass or she'd be kicked out of nursing school. Ankxiety would cause her to bomb a test she knew all the answers to. Now that being in great shape and looking good isn't the most important thing in my life it seems easier to accomplish.

Weight loss was the most important thing to me in my life. It really was. Not anymore.  So if I lose the 75 pounds to get into the 105k weight class then that's awesome. But if for whatever reason I can't I'm OK with that too.

masters weightlifting and weight classes

From October through February I was motivated to eat right and lose weight. After 4 months I gave up.

The master's weightlifting national championships list of men was released. It shows everyone's age, weight class and qualifying lift. If I lifted the totals I hit last weekend at the HDAC Spring Break Invitational I'd be in 6th place in the 105+ weight class. If I lifted in the 105k weight class I'd of been in 5th place.  I think I could lift a 220k total. If I did a 220k that would put me tied in 4th place in the 105+ and a very strong 3rd place in the 105k weight class.

I'm really regretting my decision to stop dieting. I've gained 16 pounds since then and I feel like crap.

I figured out that if I was to lift in the 105k weight class next year I'd need to lose 85 pounds. 85 pounds in 54 weeks would be about 1.58 pounds a week average. That's doable.

new weightlifting personal best lifts (PR's)

In October 2015 I competed in the Lift Outside The Box weightlifting meet. I weighed in at 143 kilos, (314.6 pounds) I snatched an 87, and clean and jerked 115 kilos for a 202k total. I missed qualifying for the 2016 Masters National Weightlifting championships by 5k.

For the last 2 months I've been losing weight and my lifts have increased. Usually a person loses strength while losing weight. Today I weighed in at 136.8 kilos and I lifted a lifetime PR of a 92k snatch and a 116.5k clean and jerk, for a total of 208.5k. My totals are now 1.5k above what I need to do to qualify. If I'm making these kinds of gains now I can't help but to dream what I'll be able to do once I get to my goal weight and am able to start eating to make big weightlifting gains.

My goal of being a competitive 105k masters weightlifter is progressing.

update on calorie change

A couple days ago my sports nutrition coach changed my daily calorie allotment. It took a couple days for me to figure out what the new calorie regiment would feel like. On my non-training days it feels like I have lots of carbohydrates to eat at everyone meal. On my training days I eat the majority of my carbs before, during, and after training. The rest of the day I only have a dozen grams of carbs to eat at each meal. Even though my carbs feel low the rest of the day, I never feel hungry because I have 300 grams protein and 125 grams fat each day. I've always felt best eating lower carbs  and a little more fat than most people. On the occasions I've tried low fat diets I fell apart quickly. I lost strength, endurance, and energy. This diet seems perfectly suited for my body type. I'm down to 304 pounds. I've lost 14. Just 75 pounds to go to hit my goal of being a 105k.

first full week with a sports nutrition coach for weightlifting

I decided I wanted to lose 74 pounds to be able to lift in the 105k weight class, but i didn't want my weightlifting to suffer, so i hired a sports nutrition coach. After my first full week with a sports nutrition coach I've lost 1.8 pounds. When i had tried losing weight on my own my workouts would suffer, I'd fatigue quickly during workouts, I'd lose strength, and get overly hungry. So far i haven't felt any of those problems. I guess that's why it's better to hire a professional. 1.8 pounds down,  72.2 more to go. So far so good. I'll continue to keep you updated.

a nutrition coach for weightlifting!

In 2004 I weighed 292 pounds. And then I found triathlon and I gradually got thinner as I became more involved in the sport. I got down to and maintained my dream racing weight of 175 pounds. I fell off the diet wagon May of 2012 shortly after I got ran over by a vehicle while I was cycling and suffered a traumatic brain injury. I retired from triathlon and since then I've gained a ridiculous amount of weight. My top weight, which I hit this month, was 318 pounds. I've tried dieting a thousand times. It never works. On the rare occasion I do lose weight for a few weeks in a row I always gain it all back and then some. I got tired of struggling to lose weight and failing. I got sick of being embarrassed about how I look. I got sick of not being able to buy clothes anywhere but Big and Tall stores. I got sick of being to fat to be able to play basketball or ride bikes with my kids. And I've developed sleep apnea from being grossly obese. I decided to do something about it. I hired a nutrition coach, weightlifter Barry Schroeder. He owned(still owns) three New Mexico state record in the 35-39 age group 105k weight class. Then he lost a lot of weight, dropped down to the 94k weight class and broke the 3 state records in that weight class too. To lose that much weight and still be strong enough to crush numerous state records means he knows the science of nutrition and how to eat to perform well for weightlifting while losing weight. I contacted him and asked if he'd be willing to help me. He was very enthusiastic about it. His prices are phenomenal too! Only $75 a month! First step is he'll track my food, calories, and weight for a week, then I'll start his diet magic! Next stop is the 105k weight class and qualifying for the masters national weightlifting championships! I'll keep you informed on my progress! I'm pumped!

rest between sets for olympic weightlifting

During my last weightlifting meet I felt fatigued by the time I got to the Clean and jerks. I decided I'd try and take less time between lifts during training to see if that would help increase my endurance during weightlifting meets. I've set the timer on my phone for 4 minutes. Every time the timer goes off I do another set regardless if I feel recovered or not. So far this has rocked my legs! They are tired and pumped up once I leave the gym. The next day my legs are always much more sore and fatigued than I'm used to. This approach probably burns more calories which will help me get to my goal of lifting in the 105k division.

On another note, my depression has subsided a lot the last couple weeks. I'm sure it has to do with working less and sleeping more the last couple months. I had been suffering from severe depression, most likely caused from working 80-90 hours a week for 9 straight years. I've only been working an average of 50 hours recently. Life feels so much better being well rested and having the fog of melancholy lifted.

triathlon and weightlifting?

One of my bucket list goals was to complete 100 multisport races. In the 7 years I had competed in multisport I completed 86 triathlons and duathlons. You'd never know by my current physique, but I used to be a skinny and blazing fast triathlete.

I received a Facebook message by a state record weightlifter, Barry Schroeder. He asked if I wanted to compete in a team triathlon with him next year. That got me to thinking.... There's no reason I shouldn't compete in a few triathlons or duathlons occasionally. Barry's been a huge motivator on my life the last couple years. Seems like anytime I'm needing a moral boost or pep talk he shows up.

My favorite races were in the South West Challenge Series. I finished top 3 in the SW Challenge series for 6 consecutive years, 2006-2012. I'd need to finish 6 races in 2016 to be eligible for the series championship. I won't lie, finishing an endurance race at my current weight of 312 pounds would be hard, but I'm always up for a challenge. Plus that would probably motivate me to lose some weight. losing weight would help my health, racing multisport again, and most importantly my weightlifting. At my current weight class i missed qualifying by 5k. If I was in the 105k weight class for weightlifting my current weightlifting totals would have qualified me for The Masters Weightlifting National Chamionships.

I dunno. Should I try doing to Polar Bear triathlon in Las Cruces NM on Dec 6th of this year? That's the first race of The South West Challenge Series 2016 season. I'd only have to do 5 more to qualify to be a 2016 South West Challenge Series champion. If I did 6 races for the 2016 season I'd only have to complete 8 more in my lifetime to have completed my goal of 100. I'm competing in a NASA powerlifting meet on Dec 5th in Roswell NM. I could drive from the meet straight to Las Cruces and compete in the triathlon the next morning. That would be insane to compete in a powerlifting meet and a triathlon on back to back days, but it would be a weekend I'd always remember. Hhhmmm. What do you think?

I'm a flake and OCD both

I used to drive my old triathlon coach Pete Alfino nuts. I'd set a goal to compete at a race and a couple months into training for it i'd get the itch and want to change my goal. And here i am contemplating changing my goal again.  Since December I'd been gradually losing weight. My goal was to get to the 105k weight class. Although i was still gaining strength as i was losing weight, I'm not gaining as much as I do when I'm not trying to lose weight. So now of course I'm attempting to  justify staying at current weight. There's no doubt I'd look better if i lost weight. I'm sure I'd also feel better about myself at a lighter weight. But if i stay my current weight I'll be stronger for Olympic style weightlifting. And i REALLY LOVE Olympic style weightlifting! I'm even better at weightlifting than i was at triathlon, and i ended up being a highly decorated triathlete. I also have a really legitimate fear of getting obsessed with weight loss. I have a tendency to get a little out of control with sports and food. I found a picture of when i was a hard core triathlete. I was to thin and absolutely not eating enough.

And here's one of me now. 

I'd love to lose 80-90 pounds, but I'm afraid of going off the deep end with my eating again. 

What to do? What to do? 

continued weight loss, 105k weightlifting division goal

This weight loss thing sucks. I'm down to 294 pounds. I've lost 17 pounds and it's been a huge struggle to say the least. i still have 58 pounds more to lose If I'm going to get to the 105k Olympic weightlifting division.  If i lose weight too fast my workouts fall apart. I've found the most i can lose a week without losing strength is 1 pound a week. If I'm able to stay on course with 1 pound of weight loss a week, that's a big if there, it's going to take me over a year to get to the top end of the 105k  division. There's weeks I've barely made it, 14 months of this is going to be tough. 

a world class weightlifting gym, weight loss, and weightlifting progress

Yesterday another athlete, Stephan, joined the Miller gym and is commuting to Santa Fe all the way from Albuquerque, 120 miles round trip to train with us. There's a half dozen athletes who are making that commute to be coached by Shane Miller. He's one of the best Olympic style  weightlifting coaches in the nation. When Shane introduced me to Stephan he introduced me as "...Cody, who owns all three of the 40-44 age group super heavy weight state records". That was the first time I'd been introduced as the state record holder. I must say, it felt awesome! It's addicting! I desperately want to get to the 105k weight class & break those records too. I know, I'm a glory hound. Nothing new there. 


One of the weight lifters, Katie, who commutes from Albuquerque set a personal best snatch today of 62k. One more kilo and she'll be doing a body weight snatch. A body weight snatch is what most amateur weightlifters aspire for, very few achieve it. i cant wait to see that. Talk about inspiring! 


 I've been eating perfectly for 31 days. Lots of meat, fruit, vegetables, nuts, and salads. I've had no sugar and virtually no processed foods. This is the 2nd longest steak I've been on since i stopped training and racing triathlon in 2011. I'm currently 298 pounds, I've lost 13 since mid December.  66 more pounds to lose until i get to my ultimate goal of lifting in the 105k weight class and hopefully breaking the 105k state records of 95k snatch, 135k clean and jerk, and a 228k total too. 

New Mexico weightlifting state records, diet, aand sleep

I just received an updated list of the New Mexico state weightlifting records. It was wonderful seeing my name on the list as a New Mexico weightlifting state record holder in the 105k+ 40-44 age group. 

I noticed that a couple of 105k state records in the 40-44 age group was broken late last year. The new clean and jerk state record is 135k & the new total is now 228k both set by Jeremy Hale. I had set a goal to lose weight and get down to the 105k 40-44 ag division and break those three records. I'm still hoping to do that, but it's going to take a little longer and a lot more work now. Those numbers are even bigger than what Barry Schroeder puts up!

Speaking of losing weight, I'm still doing well with my diet and weight loss. 25 days back on the diet wagon. Increasing the amount of calories i was eating while attempting to drop weight was the key. I'm not struggling with excessive hunger or extreme cravings anymore. I've lost 11 pound.

I've been eating healthy each and every meal & keeping my protein up. Unfortunately I've been working a lot of hours and not sleeping as much as an athlete should. My wife and i received her first student loan bill of $16,000. The same week my Chevy Suburban broke down costing just shy of $2,000 to fix. Most weeks I'm working 5 twelve hour and 1 sixteen hour shift a week. I'm tired. I've been the only income for our family of five since 2007.  I've been sleep deprived for a long time. It sucks. I'm really tired of being tired all the dang time. 8 years of this is to long.

next Olympic weightlifting goals/records

Now that the big weightlifting meet is over & i broke all three 105k+ 40-44 age group New Mexico state records it's time for me to set my eyes on my next big goal. I'm going to attempt to drop to the 105k weight class and break the 40-44 age group 105k state records. After the weights i lifted this weekend I've realized those records are well within my reach as long as i can lose 67 pounds. 67 pounds is a lot, but with coach Shane Miller's guidance I'm sure i can get there. 

Starting yesterday I plan on losing 1.5 pounds a week for 4 weeks, then 1 pound a week until the next weightlifting meet.

2015 & 2016 Olympic weightlifting goals

When i first started weightlifting in December of 2013 my ultimate goal was to beat an amazing local weightlifter by the name of Barry Schroeder. After watching him lift at a couple meets and seeing him break every New Mexico weightlifting record in both the 94k & 105k thirty five to thirty nine age group i decided to change my goals to something more realistic. 

On August 1st 2014, only 8 months into the sport of weightlifting i was strong enough to break the 105k+ forty to forty four age group New Mexico weightlifting state records. At that time I also become motivated to lose weight and i decided I'd attempt to break the state records in the 105k & 94k forty to forty four age group New Mexico state weightlifting records as i lost weight. Shortly after setting those new goals i fell off the diet wagon and gave up on losing weight. Since then I've gained more weight, for the first time in my life I'm over 300 pounds and I've developed the beginning stages of sleep apnea. So here i am motivated once again to break state records as i lose weight and get to an ideal body weight.  

Barry Schroeder will age up and start lifting in my age group in 2017. So i have until early 2017 to break the old 105k & 94k records, after which its possible he'll crush any records i set between now and then. Or the other option is I gain enough strength to accomplish my original goal of beating Barry Schroeder so my records will stand regardless of what age group he's in. 


My current best lifts after 12 months of Olympic weightlifting are:
Snatch 79k 
Clean and jerk 103k 
Total 182


The records for the 105k 40-44AG are: 
95k snatch set by Doug Briggs in 1999 (I'm currently 16k away from this state record)
122k clean and jerk set by Doug Briggs in 2000 (19k away)
215k total set by Doug Briggs in 1999 (35k away)


The 94k weight class state records are:
100k Snatch set by Jim Snyder in 2005 (I'm currently 21k away from this state record)
117.5k clean and jerk set by Jim Snyder in 2005 (15.5k away)
217.5k total set in 2005 by a Jim Snyder (36.5k away)

new olympic weightlifting goals

When I first started olympic weightlifting in November of 2013 the lifetime goal I set for myself was a 100k clean and jerk. Since I had never been naturally gifted with strength I thought 100k would take years. Turns out it only took me 8 months of training and it happened at my 2nd weightlifting tournament. Since I accomplished that goal I've set my eyes on 4 more.

1) break all 3 of the 105k+ weight class 40-44 age group New Mexico state weightlifting records by early 2015.
2) get down to the 105k weight class by late 2015 or early 2016.
3) break all 3 of the 105k weight class 40-44 age group New Mexico state weightlifting records.
4) Get down to the 194k weight class in the year 2016 or 2017.
5) Break all three of the 94k weight class 40-44 age group New Mexico state weightlifting records by early 2015.

The records for the 105 and the 94k  weight class 40-44 age group are similar in weight and are both very high. They are as follows:

105k weight class:
95k snatch held by Doug Briggs since 1999
122k clean and jerk held by Doug Briggs since 2000
215k total held by Doug Briggs since 1999

94k weight class:
100K snatch held by Jim Snyder since 2005
117.5k clean and jerk held by Jim Snyder since 2005
217.5k total held by Jim Snyder since 2005

the 2014 New Mexico games: weightlifting

The 2014 New Mexico games weightlifting competition was an all around awesome experience and a perfect event for someone who is lifting in their first competition. There was so much going on, so many people involved in the experience, and so many emotions involved that I seriously doubt I'll be able to explain in one post how wonderful the event truly was. I was a nervous wreck the night before the meet. I realized this was going to be nothing at all like any of the 86 triathlons and duathlons I'd competed in before. This was all new and somewhat overwhelming territory I was in. I ended up contacting the best female American super heavy weight Sarah Robles and top female 69k lifter Jenny Lyvette Arthur on twitter. Both of them were quick to respond with support and suggestions. I was kind of in awe. In no other sport in America outside of weightlifting could an athlete get an almost immediate response from a top level pro to give support to a newbie in their sport. Think Tom Brady, Michael Phelps, Kobe Bryant, or George St Pierre would have responded to a stranger claiming to be competing in their first game in the morning and asking for advise? Nope. 

A very experienced lifter, Dominick Ferris, decided to drive up with me the morning of the competition. I was so very grateful for the company. He was great at keeping the conversation going and keeping my mind off of being nervous. (Dominick ended up being the top lifter of the day).

Thanks to a detour on the interstate we got to UNM with only 10 minutes to spare until weigh in. And then of course finding parking was difficult, so by the time I walked into the UNM weight room I was freaked out that I was going to miss weigh ins. Turns out the 1st group of lifting ran late so i had plenty of time to wait.

All the other lifters I met were awesome. I'm a chatty guy before races, tournaments, and meets. Part of it is nervous energy, some of it is that I love the life style of competition, but mostly I just really love people. So there I was bouncing around from person to person starting small conversations with people I'd never met before but would be doing something with them that is, in my mind, special. As i was talking to the other lifters I found out that there were only 3 athletes lifting in the 105+. Each of the three 105+  were in a different age group, so as long as each of us got a single snatch and clean and jerk we'd all get a gold medal. I was the 2nd lifter to lift in the 2nd session which comprised of the 94k, 105k, and the 105k+. When i walked out onto the lifting platform I just about had a heart attack. Every judge, spectator, athlete, and coach was looking right at me. That was COMPLETELY different than I was used to at a triathlon. It rattled me. I got so nervous it was ridiculous! I actually froze half way to the platform and stared out at the audience. Coach Shane Miller actually had to tell me from the side lines, "It's ok Cody, go on, you got this."

Even though coach Miller had me start out with an opening lift that was ridiculously easy, 60k, i was still amazed I made the first snatch with how nervous I was. My form was horrendous. My shoulders didn't stay over the bar long enough, the bar swung out away from my body, I didn't pull long enough to get the weight up high enough, and I started to drop into the squat position too soon. After the 1st lift was successful I calmed down a bunch.

By the 2nd snatch of 65k I'd calmed enough to be better at concentration of form. But I wasn't expecting the adrenaline to make me so strong! I pulled that weight up so high and back so much farther than I ever have before that I ended up not able to catch the bar, the weight went flying one way, and I fell the opposite direction landing right on my butt!

On the 3rd snatch I repeated 65k. I was expecting the adrenaline and was able to make a good lift. It felt easy.

Clean and jerks are my weakest event so I was nervous again and doubting myself. On my 1st clean and jerk I tried to force myself to stay calm, but I made the mistake of putting all of my focus on ignoring the crowd and trying to stay in the moment. I totally forgot to think about the lift at all. Thanks to muscle memory I made my 1st attempt which was 80k. It was an ugly lift, but it was ruled good by the 3 judges.

The 2nd clean and jerk was 84k, which was only 3k below my lifetime PR. I made the lift relatively easy.

On my 3rd clean and jerk i attempted 89k, which was 2k above my lifetime PR. I'll tell you now I love adrenaline in regards to weightlifting! I lifted that bar up like it was nothing!!!!

I ended up succeeding at 5 of my 6 lifts and taking 1st place in my division of 35-39 age group in the 105+ weight class and setting a clean and jerk lifetime personal best lift!!!! It was a good day.

2nd treadmill tabata workout

Todays workout was a day for recovery from strength training, and hard cardio. I did a bench press workout of 5X5 at 65%. After the easy bench press routine I did a treadmill tabata. I did a 5 minute warm up then put the treadmill at a 12% grade, then ran 4 minutes of 20 seconds hard and 10 seconds recovery at a 12 min per mile pace. I felt like I was working hard at that speed. I'm pretty sure I could have ran at a slightly faster pace-, not much more though. I was close to max effort. Next Thursday I'll try the same workout with 2 minutes at a 12 minute per mile pace and 2 minutes at an 11:40 pace.

Man am I in horrible shape! It's hard to believe I used to be so good at running back in my triathlon years. I used to be able to hold a 7 minute per mile pace indefinitely. Now I struggle running sprints on a treadmill at a 12 minute per mile pace. But as long as I'm moving I'm going in the right direction. I have to keep this up and start eating healthier. Being this heavy is not ok. Yesterday my 6 year old was in a play. It hurt to sit in the chair through the whole performance. My belly is so big it pushes against my legs and makes it difficult to breath. No one should allow them self to get so fat that it's uncomfortable to breath while sitting in a chair. I'm currently 279 lbs. My first weight loss goal is to get to the 105k (232lbs)weight class in olympic weightlifting. My 2nd goal is to get to the 94k (207 lbs) weight class. Back when I was training and racing for triathlons I felt best at 200 lbs. Here's a picture of what I looked like at 186 pounds, my body fat percentage was eight & a half percent.

I figure I'll have a lot more muscle now that I'm a weightlifter, so 207 should be pretty lean and healthy for my body type. My #1 goal is to get to a healthy body weight again. While in triathlon I was at such a low body weight it was causing health problems, now I'm at the oposite end of the spectrum.

Healthy. That's where I want to be. Healthy for my wife. To support her through nursing school and the start of a wonderful career that she's always dreamed. To be be a parent and spouse with her, not just a memory. To live long enough to show my baby girl what it's like for me to love her, respect her, treat her with kindness, and listen to her thoughts, feelings, and opinions in the hopes she learns not to settle for anything less than a man who treats her the same way. I want to make sure I'm there for her to walk her down the isle. One of my wife's friends had to get married without her Dad there because he died young. I don't want to do that to my baby girl. I want to be there long enough to teach my boys how to be good, strong, and kind men. If I don't change my eating soon I wont be able to be there with them and it'll be my fault.

blog update and Miller weightlifting

It's been a LONG time since I've posted. Anytime I stop posting on my blog it usually means I've fallen off the diet wagon and I'd rather not post at all than admit how badly and how much I'm eating. Emotional eating is my biggest problem. It's my way of hiding from emotions and punishing myself. It's a good thing I'm addicted to food and not alcohol because if I binge drank like I binge eat I'd have killed myself a long time ago. I've gained 20 pounds in the last 6 weeks. I'm back up to 280. This is the 2nd heaviest I've ever weighed. I'm trying to convince myself my weight doesn't define who I am. So far I'm not convinced..

When I was 12 my Dad's girlfriend told him him he had to choose between her or me. He chose her. A few years ago I tracked him down. He lives in Truth or Consequences NM, just a few hours from where I've lived since 1989. 6 weeks ago my grandpa (my Dad's Dad) died. Thankfully a cousin tracked me down to tell me, otherwise I'd never have known, my Dad didn't care enough to tell me.. My wife kids and I drove to southern Texas for the funeral. My natural father was there, along with his entire family. It was extremely uncomfortable. Everyone kept asking where I'd been, why haven't they seen me since I was a kid? I had no idea what to say without trashing my Dad to his brothers, Aunts, etc. It was very awkward.

Less than a month later my uncle died and we drove to Kansas for that funeral too. Same side of the family, same questions. It unburied a lot of my resentment and anger. I came so close to telling them the truth. That my Dad abandoned me when I was a kid and when I needed him most, that because he disappeared from my life even though he knew my Mom was unstable and abusive I ended up living on the streets, alone, a homeless teenager.

Because of the 2 funerals in less than a month, the loss of work, and the cost of travel I'm back to working 80 hours every 6 days. I'm tired. I'm burned out. I am so sick and tired of working in a prison. In the last month I've developed TMJ because the entire time I'm at work I'm so stressed I clench my jaws. It's causing migraines and a myriad of other irritating problems. I'm eligible to retire next year. 242 days left. I can't wait. It's so unhealthy and stressful in a prison for both staff and inmates, such an unhealthy place.

Because of current financial struggles I'm going to have to miss the NASA strength competition in Gallup NM in late April. I have to admit, that hurts. I wanted to compete in that so badly!

On the flip side, even though I've been stressed, eating like crap, working WAY to much, and not sleeping enough, my strength is shooting through the roof! In the last 3 days I've set 7 PR's, one of which tied the state record for the clean and jerk in the super heavyweight division 40-44 age group!!! Shane Miller of Miller weightlifting is a genius. I'm accomplishing things I never dreamed I'd be able to accomplish!