On Christmas Eve I weighed less than 300lbs for the first time in a very long time. On Christmas I over ate. All day. The next morning I weighed 307. I knew most of it was salt and water retention. But still, 4 days after I'm still at 300. I've learned two lessons from this:
1) Overeating for a Holliday or a family function just isn't worth it.
2) when celebrating eat a bit less all day so I can have more to eat during the celebration so that I don't feel like I'm going without or sacrificing as much.
Showing posts with label over eating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label over eating. Show all posts
December 29, 2017
December 26, 2014
I wasn't lying if i really believed it was true
Today was the third day i was following a healthy eating plan. Between that and my new goals (see yesterdays blog post) i was pretty excited to go to Miller weightlifting to train and to share my new goals and motivations with my coach and fellow gym rats. The response was not what i was expecting. There was awkward glances at one another and a half hearted "sounds good." They might as well of laughed out loud and said, "bullshit". My feelings were hurt, but i shouldn't of expected anything different. I've announced hundreds of times that,
"I'm going on a diet."
"I've lost 5 pounds!"
"I'm going to do it this time! "
"One of my old t-shirts fit for the first time in weeks."
All of these grand announcements end up with the same results. Me falling off the wagon and gaining all of my weight back and more. This time is different. I know, i always say that. But this time i believe it's true. Time to put mt words into action.
"I'm going on a diet."
"I've lost 5 pounds!"
"I'm going to do it this time! "
"One of my old t-shirts fit for the first time in weeks."
All of these grand announcements end up with the same results. Me falling off the wagon and gaining all of my weight back and more. This time is different. I know, i always say that. But this time i believe it's true. Time to put mt words into action.
July 07, 2014
eat like crap perform like crap
The last week has been so stressful. Each of our vehicles broke down 18 hours apart, our swamp cooler is getting worked on, my wife and kids went camping with my emotionally abusive and controlling mother and her husband, my cousin and her kids are visiting, and I miss my natural father who still refuses to to call or visit. Friday and Saturday I missed my scheduled workouts which is my way of dealing with stress in a healthy way. So this weekend I ate like crap. I usually do when I'm stressed, but this weekends diet was REALLY BAD! worst few days of eating I've had all year. Yesterday I didn't eat anything with any protein in it, it was all crap. Last night I knew I screwed up when I woke up with excruciating leg cramps. My body was going catabolic, eating my own muscles.
Usually olympic weightlifting, especially snatch day, calms me, makes everything feel better. Thanks to having virtually no protein and nothing but crap all weekend this morning I missed all my big lifts this morning. No stress relief in being weaker than I was last week.
I desperately want to drop 60-70 pounds and maintain an average weight of 234 pounds so that I could bounce back and forth between the heavy weight and super heavyweight division, but to do that I'd have to control my eating and I don't see that happening. This whole binge eating thing never ends with me. Sometimes I can control it for a short while, but it always returns with a vengeance.
Usually olympic weightlifting, especially snatch day, calms me, makes everything feel better. Thanks to having virtually no protein and nothing but crap all weekend this morning I missed all my big lifts this morning. No stress relief in being weaker than I was last week.
I desperately want to drop 60-70 pounds and maintain an average weight of 234 pounds so that I could bounce back and forth between the heavy weight and super heavyweight division, but to do that I'd have to control my eating and I don't see that happening. This whole binge eating thing never ends with me. Sometimes I can control it for a short while, but it always returns with a vengeance.
March 29, 2014
blog update and Miller weightlifting
It's been a LONG time since I've posted. Anytime I stop posting on my blog it usually means I've fallen off the diet wagon and I'd rather not post at all than admit how badly and how much I'm eating. Emotional eating is my biggest problem. It's my way of hiding from emotions and punishing myself. It's a good thing I'm addicted to food and not alcohol because if I binge drank like I binge eat I'd have killed myself a long time ago. I've gained 20 pounds in the last 6 weeks. I'm back up to 280. This is the 2nd heaviest I've ever weighed. I'm trying to convince myself my weight doesn't define who I am. So far I'm not convinced..
When I was 12 my Dad's girlfriend told him him he had to choose between her or me. He chose her. A few years ago I tracked him down. He lives in Truth or Consequences NM, just a few hours from where I've lived since 1989. 6 weeks ago my grandpa (my Dad's Dad) died. Thankfully a cousin tracked me down to tell me, otherwise I'd never have known, my Dad didn't care enough to tell me.. My wife kids and I drove to southern Texas for the funeral. My natural father was there, along with his entire family. It was extremely uncomfortable. Everyone kept asking where I'd been, why haven't they seen me since I was a kid? I had no idea what to say without trashing my Dad to his brothers, Aunts, etc. It was very awkward.
Less than a month later my uncle died and we drove to Kansas for that funeral too. Same side of the family, same questions. It unburied a lot of my resentment and anger. I came so close to telling them the truth. That my Dad abandoned me when I was a kid and when I needed him most, that because he disappeared from my life even though he knew my Mom was unstable and abusive I ended up living on the streets, alone, a homeless teenager.
Because of the 2 funerals in less than a month, the loss of work, and the cost of travel I'm back to working 80 hours every 6 days. I'm tired. I'm burned out. I am so sick and tired of working in a prison. In the last month I've developed TMJ because the entire time I'm at work I'm so stressed I clench my jaws. It's causing migraines and a myriad of other irritating problems. I'm eligible to retire next year. 242 days left. I can't wait. It's so unhealthy and stressful in a prison for both staff and inmates, such an unhealthy place.
Because of current financial struggles I'm going to have to miss the NASA strength competition in Gallup NM in late April. I have to admit, that hurts. I wanted to compete in that so badly!
On the flip side, even though I've been stressed, eating like crap, working WAY to much, and not sleeping enough, my strength is shooting through the roof! In the last 3 days I've set 7 PR's, one of which tied the state record for the clean and jerk in the super heavyweight division 40-44 age group!!! Shane Miller of Miller weightlifting is a genius. I'm accomplishing things I never dreamed I'd be able to accomplish!
When I was 12 my Dad's girlfriend told him him he had to choose between her or me. He chose her. A few years ago I tracked him down. He lives in Truth or Consequences NM, just a few hours from where I've lived since 1989. 6 weeks ago my grandpa (my Dad's Dad) died. Thankfully a cousin tracked me down to tell me, otherwise I'd never have known, my Dad didn't care enough to tell me.. My wife kids and I drove to southern Texas for the funeral. My natural father was there, along with his entire family. It was extremely uncomfortable. Everyone kept asking where I'd been, why haven't they seen me since I was a kid? I had no idea what to say without trashing my Dad to his brothers, Aunts, etc. It was very awkward.
Less than a month later my uncle died and we drove to Kansas for that funeral too. Same side of the family, same questions. It unburied a lot of my resentment and anger. I came so close to telling them the truth. That my Dad abandoned me when I was a kid and when I needed him most, that because he disappeared from my life even though he knew my Mom was unstable and abusive I ended up living on the streets, alone, a homeless teenager.
Because of the 2 funerals in less than a month, the loss of work, and the cost of travel I'm back to working 80 hours every 6 days. I'm tired. I'm burned out. I am so sick and tired of working in a prison. In the last month I've developed TMJ because the entire time I'm at work I'm so stressed I clench my jaws. It's causing migraines and a myriad of other irritating problems. I'm eligible to retire next year. 242 days left. I can't wait. It's so unhealthy and stressful in a prison for both staff and inmates, such an unhealthy place.
Because of current financial struggles I'm going to have to miss the NASA strength competition in Gallup NM in late April. I have to admit, that hurts. I wanted to compete in that so badly!
On the flip side, even though I've been stressed, eating like crap, working WAY to much, and not sleeping enough, my strength is shooting through the roof! In the last 3 days I've set 7 PR's, one of which tied the state record for the clean and jerk in the super heavyweight division 40-44 age group!!! Shane Miller of Miller weightlifting is a genius. I'm accomplishing things I never dreamed I'd be able to accomplish!
January 24, 2014
2nd treadmill tabata of 2014
Today I completed my 2nd treadmill tabata of 2014. This time I wanted to push myself harder than I have in awhile so I increased the treadmills elevation to %12 and ran at a 10:45 pace for the hard sets. The goal was to run 10 hard sets worth. Even though I pushed myself to the point where my legs were almost collapsing and I was getting dizzy I was only able to run 8 hard sets. Next time I'll decrease my pace to a 10:56 and try for the full 10 sets. Once I 'm able to complete the full 10 I'll start increasing the speed I'm running and the amounts of hard sets I'm completing.
This morning I received a call from a loved one to tell me my grandpa died last night. His funeral will be held outside of Dallas Texas. I usually cover any emotions I'm having with eating. I'm going to try really dang hard to do a lot of praying, working out, and talking to my family about my feelings rather than turning to food.
This morning I received a call from a loved one to tell me my grandpa died last night. His funeral will be held outside of Dallas Texas. I usually cover any emotions I'm having with eating. I'm going to try really dang hard to do a lot of praying, working out, and talking to my family about my feelings rather than turning to food.
November 27, 2013
21 Tips for Getting Through the Holidays Abstinently
21 Tips for Getting Through the Holidays Abstinently
(Excerpted & edited from 21 Tips For Getting Through The Holidays Abstinently, OA Workshop, Port Charles, NY, 10/29/97, Summary of Members Suggestions )
1. Focus on the true meaning of the holiday or event rather than the food orgy that sometimes accompanies it.
2. Don't set yourself up to feel bad because of unrealistic expectations of what the holiday will bring. Sometimes we're with family, sometimes with friends, sometimes we are alone. Face the reality of the situation beforehand. For example, if a family occasion almost always turns unpleasant, plan not to be part of the unpleasantness. If you're going to be alone, face that you may face sadness. Plan to deal with it, without excess food.
3. Build up your recovery bank account before and during the holidays by attending lots of meetings, working extra hard on your 12-Steps and using all the tools, especially service. Keep in constant contact with your sponsor. The disease doesn't take holidays, nor should our recovery.
4. Keep your OA phone numbers with you at all times. Use them.
5. Know the limits of your recovery. When in doubt, avoid persons, places and things that have in the past triggered overeating. The party is not worth it. Choose not to attend if you feel it may be a major problem. Remember that abstinence, one day at a time, has to be the highest priority in your life. Without it, all other things suffer.
6. From the food perspective, treat the holiday like any other day. Our disease never takes a holiday.
7. Plan something special for yourself when other people are eating sugary desserts that you choose not to include in your food plan. Special teas, hot water and lemon, fruit, or anything that's a little special for you.
8. Whether attending a holiday gathering or ordinary party, choose to focus on the people rather than the food. Pick out people and engage them in "real" conversation. If they don't want to play, go to the next one. People like to talk about themselves. Ask them about themselves, their life, their work -- and really listen.
9. Try to really connect with people at the holiday table. Make food a secondary thing.
10. At Halloween there is no law that says you have to give out candy. We're not doing these kids a favor by giving them junk food. Give nutritious things or money. Do not give out things you would not consume yourself. Then there's no problem with leftovers.
11. Set an extra place beside you (in your mind or for real) at the table for your Higher Power.
12. Remember step two. It says that with the help of a Higher Power we can be restored to sane eating behavior. Call on your Higher Power. HP can keep you sane, one day at a time, one meal at a time.
13. During the holidays get out of yourself by giving service, any service, whether it's to Program, to needy individuals, or to the community. Do something that may be a little hard for you, but that you know you will feel good about later. Give yourself something to respect yourself for.
14. Plan! Plan! Plan! Be proactive toward the holidays and the meals. Don't just lay back and hope for the best. Rehearse in your mind over and over exactly what you will do, particularly what, where and when you will eat. Pray just before sitting down to the meal.
15. Just before sitting down to eat, or just before being served, go to a private room somewhere in the house or restaurant, call your sponsor, and commit what you are about to eat, as well as what you will choose not to eat. It makes no difference whether you get your sponsor or an answering machine. It's your commitment.
16. If you're visiting others for a holiday dinner, it's up to you to know what is being served and whether it is something that you choose to eat. Call the host. Plan accordingly. People understand others' food limitations. Even people without our disease have foods they don't eat for one reason or another. Volunteer to bring something that's good for you. The host thinks you're gracious and you're taking of yourself!
17. Remember that you are responsible for what you eat. It's easy when sitting with family to slip into old childish roles where you feel you must eat whatever you're given. It's not true. We are adults and responsible for our own choices. It's up to us to take care of ourselves. It's up to us to set whatever parameters or boundaries we need to set with our families.
18. Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. There is nothing as good for staying abstinent -- particularly during the Thanksgiving season -- than focusing on the many things we have, rather than what we don't have. Do gratitude lists frequently.
19. How about writing a little card/note to each person who will be at the Thanksgiving dinner table telling them why you're grateful to know them? Leave it at their dinner place. The focus will quickly get to the real meaning of Thanksgiving rather than on the food.
20. For many of us the most dangerous period for our abstinence is after we have successfully gone through a difficult occasion. The insanity of our disease subconsciously or consciously tells us to reward ourselves with food because we did so well yesterday. Or, we suffer some kind of letdown about the occasion. It didn't meet our expectations. Some of us feel an emptiness after holidays that in the past we have tried to fill with food. For these reasons, plan to go to meetings the next day after the holiday.
21. A holiday is not a crisis. Holidays come every year. They are simply calendar times set aside to honor certain things. We deal with the holidays just like we deal with the rest of the days in the year. You can do it. Relax and work your program the way you know how. One Day at a Time
(Excerpted & edited from 21 Tips For Getting Through The Holidays Abstinently, OA Workshop, Port Charles, NY, 10/29/97, Summary of Members Suggestions )
1. Focus on the true meaning of the holiday or event rather than the food orgy that sometimes accompanies it.
2. Don't set yourself up to feel bad because of unrealistic expectations of what the holiday will bring. Sometimes we're with family, sometimes with friends, sometimes we are alone. Face the reality of the situation beforehand. For example, if a family occasion almost always turns unpleasant, plan not to be part of the unpleasantness. If you're going to be alone, face that you may face sadness. Plan to deal with it, without excess food.
3. Build up your recovery bank account before and during the holidays by attending lots of meetings, working extra hard on your 12-Steps and using all the tools, especially service. Keep in constant contact with your sponsor. The disease doesn't take holidays, nor should our recovery.
4. Keep your OA phone numbers with you at all times. Use them.
5. Know the limits of your recovery. When in doubt, avoid persons, places and things that have in the past triggered overeating. The party is not worth it. Choose not to attend if you feel it may be a major problem. Remember that abstinence, one day at a time, has to be the highest priority in your life. Without it, all other things suffer.
6. From the food perspective, treat the holiday like any other day. Our disease never takes a holiday.
7. Plan something special for yourself when other people are eating sugary desserts that you choose not to include in your food plan. Special teas, hot water and lemon, fruit, or anything that's a little special for you.
8. Whether attending a holiday gathering or ordinary party, choose to focus on the people rather than the food. Pick out people and engage them in "real" conversation. If they don't want to play, go to the next one. People like to talk about themselves. Ask them about themselves, their life, their work -- and really listen.
9. Try to really connect with people at the holiday table. Make food a secondary thing.
10. At Halloween there is no law that says you have to give out candy. We're not doing these kids a favor by giving them junk food. Give nutritious things or money. Do not give out things you would not consume yourself. Then there's no problem with leftovers.
11. Set an extra place beside you (in your mind or for real) at the table for your Higher Power.
12. Remember step two. It says that with the help of a Higher Power we can be restored to sane eating behavior. Call on your Higher Power. HP can keep you sane, one day at a time, one meal at a time.
13. During the holidays get out of yourself by giving service, any service, whether it's to Program, to needy individuals, or to the community. Do something that may be a little hard for you, but that you know you will feel good about later. Give yourself something to respect yourself for.
14. Plan! Plan! Plan! Be proactive toward the holidays and the meals. Don't just lay back and hope for the best. Rehearse in your mind over and over exactly what you will do, particularly what, where and when you will eat. Pray just before sitting down to the meal.
15. Just before sitting down to eat, or just before being served, go to a private room somewhere in the house or restaurant, call your sponsor, and commit what you are about to eat, as well as what you will choose not to eat. It makes no difference whether you get your sponsor or an answering machine. It's your commitment.
16. If you're visiting others for a holiday dinner, it's up to you to know what is being served and whether it is something that you choose to eat. Call the host. Plan accordingly. People understand others' food limitations. Even people without our disease have foods they don't eat for one reason or another. Volunteer to bring something that's good for you. The host thinks you're gracious and you're taking of yourself!
17. Remember that you are responsible for what you eat. It's easy when sitting with family to slip into old childish roles where you feel you must eat whatever you're given. It's not true. We are adults and responsible for our own choices. It's up to us to take care of ourselves. It's up to us to set whatever parameters or boundaries we need to set with our families.
18. Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. There is nothing as good for staying abstinent -- particularly during the Thanksgiving season -- than focusing on the many things we have, rather than what we don't have. Do gratitude lists frequently.
19. How about writing a little card/note to each person who will be at the Thanksgiving dinner table telling them why you're grateful to know them? Leave it at their dinner place. The focus will quickly get to the real meaning of Thanksgiving rather than on the food.
20. For many of us the most dangerous period for our abstinence is after we have successfully gone through a difficult occasion. The insanity of our disease subconsciously or consciously tells us to reward ourselves with food because we did so well yesterday. Or, we suffer some kind of letdown about the occasion. It didn't meet our expectations. Some of us feel an emptiness after holidays that in the past we have tried to fill with food. For these reasons, plan to go to meetings the next day after the holiday.
21. A holiday is not a crisis. Holidays come every year. They are simply calendar times set aside to honor certain things. We deal with the holidays just like we deal with the rest of the days in the year. You can do it. Relax and work your program the way you know how. One Day at a Time
November 25, 2013
Thanksgiving, overeating, and Olympic weightlifting
In the 2 years I've been out of triathlon I've gained 105 pounds. I'm currently in my 3rd week of Olympic weightlifting training, so far I've lost 12 pounds. I'm currently 266 pounds. My goal is to get to the 85k weight class by the time I'll be competing in the masters 40-44, which is 13 1/2 months from now. I'm finally on a roll with training and weight loss.
Who doesn't struggle with their eating during the holidays? I know I do. Overeating on Thanksgiving wouldn't be that big of a deal if I could stop after that one day. But the next day there's leftovers- can't let them go to waste! After a couple days of binge eating pumpkin pie, stuffing and cranberry sauce, etc I've gained back a month of weight loss! And even after the leftovers are gone I've so thoroughly enjoyed eating whatever I want and however much I want that I still can't get my eating back under control. Sometimes I can't stop eating tons of crap until well after the new year. This year I want to make sure I keep on track to make my goal of dropping 79 pounds and reaching the 85k class by Jan 1st 2015, so I'm not going to have Thanksgiving with my family this year. I'm volunteering for a 16 hour work shift at at the prison. I'm not sure if this is a great idea to keep my eating under control or a bad idea because I struggle with social situations and have a tendency to keep myself isolated. Either way I have to lose an average of 5.86 pounds a month for the next 13 1/2 months to reach my goal and this year I WON'T be binge eating during the holidays!
Who doesn't struggle with their eating during the holidays? I know I do. Overeating on Thanksgiving wouldn't be that big of a deal if I could stop after that one day. But the next day there's leftovers- can't let them go to waste! After a couple days of binge eating pumpkin pie, stuffing and cranberry sauce, etc I've gained back a month of weight loss! And even after the leftovers are gone I've so thoroughly enjoyed eating whatever I want and however much I want that I still can't get my eating back under control. Sometimes I can't stop eating tons of crap until well after the new year. This year I want to make sure I keep on track to make my goal of dropping 79 pounds and reaching the 85k class by Jan 1st 2015, so I'm not going to have Thanksgiving with my family this year. I'm volunteering for a 16 hour work shift at at the prison. I'm not sure if this is a great idea to keep my eating under control or a bad idea because I struggle with social situations and have a tendency to keep myself isolated. Either way I have to lose an average of 5.86 pounds a month for the next 13 1/2 months to reach my goal and this year I WON'T be binge eating during the holidays!
April 05, 2012
lessons on money and life
In September 2011 my wife and I realized God wanted us to get our finances in order. He told us He wanted us to live the way it says in the bible: without debt. Since December we've paid off $24,000 in debt. Yesterday we started step 3 of Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. We are very glad to have gotten this far. We now need $10,300 to complete 3.
Since December I've worked no less than 84 hour work weeks. There were times I was so tired from all the overtime and lack of sleep that I felt like a zombie. The only thing that kept me going was the amazing love and support of my God, my wife, and constant prayer. When I'd get into a slump, when I felt I couldn't stay awake another moment I'd take a few minutes to ask for strength and endurance, and to thank God for all He'd done to help me get that far. My wife and my God have carried me through the rough times. And now we're closer than I've ever dreamed we'd be to financial peace!
When God wants me to learn a lesson, He puts me into a situation where I am forced to learn. I don't always like the lesson and I don't always like being taught. I realize God is trying to get through to me. I've been trying to figure out the lesson He's trying to teach me because I'd prefer the lesson to not get any more severe. I've been struggling with my eating disorder a lot recently. A couple weeks ago I fell off the wagon and lost 460 days of abstaining from destructive binge eating. In four and a half days of binge eating my weight shot up from 175 to 202 pounds. This is a common and dangerous problem of mine when I binge eat. A persons kidneys controls their salt and hydration as well as function as a filter. I was eating so much I was overwhelming my kidneys. It wasn't until yesterday that I realized what I've been doing wrong. I became so focused on working and paying off our debt that I gave myself permission to stop going to over eater anonymous meetings, I stopped working the 12 steps, and I stopped calling my sponsor. I'm a addict. I'll always be an addict. On page 33 of the big book it says:
"Most of us have believed if we remained abstinent for a long stretch, we could there after eat normally....once a compulsive over eater always a compulsive over eater. If we are planning to stop destructive eating, there must be no lurking notion that someday we will be immune to food."
I've learned on multiple occasions that when I don't think my compulsive binge eating is a problem, it comes back with a vengeance. I have to realize I'll never be a normal eater. I have to continue working the program & keeping in mind that I am & always will be an addict. I need to take steps daily to keep my addiction in check. I have to follow a food plan, avoid sugar, NEVER eat at buffets, and most importantly I need to walk with God or I will relapse!
Today I've realized I need to continue to work hard on finishing the plan we have addopted from The Total Money Makeover, but I also need to continue staying healthy and working on my problems with food. Today I'm calling my sponsor. I'm going to ask if he's willing to sponsor me again. I'm going to start working the 12 steps again.
This week is the 1st time I've written openly about my eating disorder on my blog. I'm still a little apprehensive and embarrassed to write about my struggles with food and binge eating, but I'm tired of hiding who I am. I'm tired of fighting this addiction alone. "It doesn't take a real man to fight. It takes a real man to reach out his hand."
I'm hoping that others who are struggling with addictions can find some strength and knowledge from my blog by reading about my progress and recovery. Who knows, I might even find some encouragement and support of my own along the way.
Since December I've worked no less than 84 hour work weeks. There were times I was so tired from all the overtime and lack of sleep that I felt like a zombie. The only thing that kept me going was the amazing love and support of my God, my wife, and constant prayer. When I'd get into a slump, when I felt I couldn't stay awake another moment I'd take a few minutes to ask for strength and endurance, and to thank God for all He'd done to help me get that far. My wife and my God have carried me through the rough times. And now we're closer than I've ever dreamed we'd be to financial peace!
When God wants me to learn a lesson, He puts me into a situation where I am forced to learn. I don't always like the lesson and I don't always like being taught. I realize God is trying to get through to me. I've been trying to figure out the lesson He's trying to teach me because I'd prefer the lesson to not get any more severe. I've been struggling with my eating disorder a lot recently. A couple weeks ago I fell off the wagon and lost 460 days of abstaining from destructive binge eating. In four and a half days of binge eating my weight shot up from 175 to 202 pounds. This is a common and dangerous problem of mine when I binge eat. A persons kidneys controls their salt and hydration as well as function as a filter. I was eating so much I was overwhelming my kidneys. It wasn't until yesterday that I realized what I've been doing wrong. I became so focused on working and paying off our debt that I gave myself permission to stop going to over eater anonymous meetings, I stopped working the 12 steps, and I stopped calling my sponsor. I'm a addict. I'll always be an addict. On page 33 of the big book it says:
"Most of us have believed if we remained abstinent for a long stretch, we could there after eat normally....once a compulsive over eater always a compulsive over eater. If we are planning to stop destructive eating, there must be no lurking notion that someday we will be immune to food."
I've learned on multiple occasions that when I don't think my compulsive binge eating is a problem, it comes back with a vengeance. I have to realize I'll never be a normal eater. I have to continue working the program & keeping in mind that I am & always will be an addict. I need to take steps daily to keep my addiction in check. I have to follow a food plan, avoid sugar, NEVER eat at buffets, and most importantly I need to walk with God or I will relapse!
Today I've realized I need to continue to work hard on finishing the plan we have addopted from The Total Money Makeover, but I also need to continue staying healthy and working on my problems with food. Today I'm calling my sponsor. I'm going to ask if he's willing to sponsor me again. I'm going to start working the 12 steps again.
This week is the 1st time I've written openly about my eating disorder on my blog. I'm still a little apprehensive and embarrassed to write about my struggles with food and binge eating, but I'm tired of hiding who I am. I'm tired of fighting this addiction alone. "It doesn't take a real man to fight. It takes a real man to reach out his hand."
I'm hoping that others who are struggling with addictions can find some strength and knowledge from my blog by reading about my progress and recovery. Who knows, I might even find some encouragement and support of my own along the way.
October 02, 2009
multi-sport
I love multi-sport training. There's nothing about it I don't like. It's challenging, it allows me to eat more without any weight gain, it makes me more focused on maintaining a healthy weight, it teaches my kids how to live a healthy active lifestyle, it makes me sleep better, it makes me more focused & determined of a person, destination races allows my family to see parts of the country we never would see otherwise, it makes me better equiped to defend myself & my coworkers, it's a stress reliever- there's times when I'm in a bad mood that my wife, without a word spoken will bring me my cycling gear, when I return from a workout I'm happy go lucky again!
Yesterday was my first day back from 4 days of overeating. Bad news is that after those 4 days, it will now take longer to get to my goal weight of 180. But the good news is so much better than the bad news was bad! I'm back on the road to being triathlete thin!
Every time I've failed to drop the weight, went on a food binge, or gained more weight back than I had lost I learned something about myself & my food issues. I'm not saying I'll ever be "cured" of my love for, or my emotional dependency of food. But everytime I fall into my temptations I learn something, each time I back slide & figure out what caused it or how I recovered and I gained a tool I can use next time. Each time I learn from my failure I'm more likely to regain control of my overeating more quickly & am able to have the binge happen less frequently. Each time I fall off the wagon it slows me from reaching my goal, but for the first time I know without a doubt I'll get there.
September 15, 2009
Cochiti swim, great support, & my dang weight issue!
Today I took my family to Cochiti lake. My wife & I had a picnic & played with our babies. After that I put on my wet suit & did some open water swimming. I felt fast & comfortable. Much more so than any other open water swim I've ever done. Part of that is I'm 27 pounds lighter than my normal race weight. I fit in my wet suit better so I don't feel like I'm being squeezed to death by a boa constrictor. The major reason I felt so comfortable in the water is I'm swimming consistently for the first time in my triathlon career. Imagine that!
I am dieing to find out how far it was from the shore line at the swim area, out to the buoy on the far left, following along the outside of the boat buoy's, until the far right shore line. If anyone knows please let me in on the secret.
I'm so very grateful for the support system I have in life & in triathlon. I've fallen off the diet wagon for the last 3 days. It started on my first full day of vacation. Celebration is a big food trigger for me. I'm sure excitement about my up coming race is also a huge contributing factor also.
On of the first motivators for me to stop overeating was today I drove to Alb & picked up my bike from JusMe. He cleaned & tuned up my bike. He even took off the race numbers I'd left on my bike from the last year of racing! As soon as I saw my tri-machine looking completely clean & ready to roll I got motivated to race! And who can race fat? Not me!
The other big help was a great guy & blogger was in town for work. I got to hang with him, talk triathlon, & even watch an episode of The biggest Loser. While here he talked to me about triathlon racing & our issues with weight. He helped me realize I'll never be cured. I can't be perfect ALL of the time. But I can be perfect %85 of the time. I was beginning to feel after 3 days all was lost & I was on the downward slide. But like JusMe says,"it's not a road without some bumps along the way".
I'm bound to get knocked on my butt on from time to time. That doesn't make my journey to becoming an ultra-thin, ultra endurance triathlete a failure. & failing at accomplishing that goal wouldn't even make me a failure. I'm a success at what's most important to me, being a follower of Christ, a father, & a husband. 10 years ago I wouldn't have thought I could be worth 2 shakes of a dogs tail at any of those things. But I am.
Giving up on my weight loss goal would mean I had stopped trying. & I don't believe I have any quit in me. I'm a stubborn, hard working, dedicated man in all things. Diet just seems to be the one area I'm going to have to get up & dust myself off from most often. & tomorrow I'm going to do just that. For tomorrow I WILL be a success. I will be back on the wagon. I will eventually fall off again. I know that, but I will continue to get up as many times as it takes to succeed at becoming the triathlete I so desperately desire to be.... a thin one.
I am dieing to find out how far it was from the shore line at the swim area, out to the buoy on the far left, following along the outside of the boat buoy's, until the far right shore line. If anyone knows please let me in on the secret.
I'm so very grateful for the support system I have in life & in triathlon. I've fallen off the diet wagon for the last 3 days. It started on my first full day of vacation. Celebration is a big food trigger for me. I'm sure excitement about my up coming race is also a huge contributing factor also.
On of the first motivators for me to stop overeating was today I drove to Alb & picked up my bike from JusMe. He cleaned & tuned up my bike. He even took off the race numbers I'd left on my bike from the last year of racing! As soon as I saw my tri-machine looking completely clean & ready to roll I got motivated to race! And who can race fat? Not me!
The other big help was a great guy & blogger was in town for work. I got to hang with him, talk triathlon, & even watch an episode of The biggest Loser. While here he talked to me about triathlon racing & our issues with weight. He helped me realize I'll never be cured. I can't be perfect ALL of the time. But I can be perfect %85 of the time. I was beginning to feel after 3 days all was lost & I was on the downward slide. But like JusMe says,"it's not a road without some bumps along the way".
I'm bound to get knocked on my butt on from time to time. That doesn't make my journey to becoming an ultra-thin, ultra endurance triathlete a failure. & failing at accomplishing that goal wouldn't even make me a failure. I'm a success at what's most important to me, being a follower of Christ, a father, & a husband. 10 years ago I wouldn't have thought I could be worth 2 shakes of a dogs tail at any of those things. But I am.
Giving up on my weight loss goal would mean I had stopped trying. & I don't believe I have any quit in me. I'm a stubborn, hard working, dedicated man in all things. Diet just seems to be the one area I'm going to have to get up & dust myself off from most often. & tomorrow I'm going to do just that. For tomorrow I WILL be a success. I will be back on the wagon. I will eventually fall off again. I know that, but I will continue to get up as many times as it takes to succeed at becoming the triathlete I so desperately desire to be.... a thin one.
February 04, 2009
big 3 paranoia
I just did some MAJOR restructuring of my triathlon schedule. I'm canceling my first A race of the year, the trisports.com Dessert Classic duathlon & another mid season race -can't reveal which one just in case your reading this & are one of the big 3, that is one of the three Clydesdale Open Division athletes that are at this point in time faster than me, & all together likely to prevent me from taking top 3 Clydesdales this year. I'm also changing my A race from the February 22nd trisport.com dessert classic duathlon to a race in June. Can't tell ya which one in June will be my new A race just in case you are one of the big 3;)
This restructuring of my schedule gives me longer to build a bigger peak to really crush my A race and all competitors. By not travelling to AZ later this month it also helps my wife & I recover a bit in the pocket book. Which at this point is badly needed.
I'm really excited about my Multisport season this year. I've always enjoyed sprint distances most. I'm not only much faster the shorter the race is, but there's something exhilarating to me about going out & moving really fast, pushing as hard as possible for as long as the race is, not allowing myself to slow no matter how much my legs & lungs burn. Why would I want to monitor my heart rate and pace myself when I could hear a woosh-woosh as I pass stationary objects on the side of the road or pass other triathletes like they are a stationary objects!!!!!!!!
Another reason I'm excited is because I have more & stronger competition in my division (Clydesdale Open also called the Clydesdale 39 & under) this year than I have ever faced. I call these guys the big 3.
In 4 years I've never had a Clydesdale 39 & under beat me on the run portion of a Multisport race. Now there are 2 Clydes who can out run me George Ferland & David McDonald (he's a fellow follower of Christ! Praise the Lord!). There is also the big bad cyclist Jason McClure. He's the most dominant cyclist in the Clydesdale open division. In December Jason McClure beat me by 8 minutes in a sprint race! 8 minutes! Ouch. I have my work cut out for me this year, & I wouldn't have it any other way. This is awakening my competitive side. Not only has this week been my best week of training since Sept, but I've not gone into an emotional eating frenzy since the last week of 2008!!! That's 5 weeks people!!! The last time I had a streak last this long ended in May of last year!!!! If I continue to lose weight at this rate I'll be down to my dream racing weight of 200 by mid April. That will give me a couple weeks leeway for the Atomicman duathlon April 26th! I may of lost 8 minutes on my 5k this winter, but now that I'm this focused I'll get it back that lost speed as quick, if not quicker than I had lost it. If your competing in the Clydesdale Open Division be afraid, very very afraid.
Now that being said I must say God puts things in our laps for reasons we may never understand. God suddenly put the love of triathlon in David McDonalds heart. He then put David in contact with me. It's my love for Christ and my desire to follow Gods words when he says to love my fellow man like I love myself that had me send every piece of triathlon info and resource I have to David who is my 2nd most dangerous competition in my division. Everything from articles, my USAT coaching certification books & paperwork, Joe Friels "the triathlon training bible", offered to take him with me to any out of town races I go to, told him which is the best race in the series for clydes to get a 10 point finish for the series, & have even offered to let him use my race wheels at a few multisport races. I must say, it sounds like I'm a good person doesn't it. I'm not. It's God who's good, He changes my heart & convinces me to show the fruit on my tree. As always I must give ALL the glory to God, because I am a wretch of a man who has been shown the light and the goodness of Gods ways.
This restructuring of my schedule gives me longer to build a bigger peak to really crush my A race and all competitors. By not travelling to AZ later this month it also helps my wife & I recover a bit in the pocket book. Which at this point is badly needed.
I'm really excited about my Multisport season this year. I've always enjoyed sprint distances most. I'm not only much faster the shorter the race is, but there's something exhilarating to me about going out & moving really fast, pushing as hard as possible for as long as the race is, not allowing myself to slow no matter how much my legs & lungs burn. Why would I want to monitor my heart rate and pace myself when I could hear a woosh-woosh as I pass stationary objects on the side of the road or pass other triathletes like they are a stationary objects!!!!!!!!
Another reason I'm excited is because I have more & stronger competition in my division (Clydesdale Open also called the Clydesdale 39 & under) this year than I have ever faced. I call these guys the big 3.
In 4 years I've never had a Clydesdale 39 & under beat me on the run portion of a Multisport race. Now there are 2 Clydes who can out run me George Ferland & David McDonald (he's a fellow follower of Christ! Praise the Lord!). There is also the big bad cyclist Jason McClure. He's the most dominant cyclist in the Clydesdale open division. In December Jason McClure beat me by 8 minutes in a sprint race! 8 minutes! Ouch. I have my work cut out for me this year, & I wouldn't have it any other way. This is awakening my competitive side. Not only has this week been my best week of training since Sept, but I've not gone into an emotional eating frenzy since the last week of 2008!!! That's 5 weeks people!!! The last time I had a streak last this long ended in May of last year!!!! If I continue to lose weight at this rate I'll be down to my dream racing weight of 200 by mid April. That will give me a couple weeks leeway for the Atomicman duathlon April 26th! I may of lost 8 minutes on my 5k this winter, but now that I'm this focused I'll get it back that lost speed as quick, if not quicker than I had lost it. If your competing in the Clydesdale Open Division be afraid, very very afraid.
Now that being said I must say God puts things in our laps for reasons we may never understand. God suddenly put the love of triathlon in David McDonalds heart. He then put David in contact with me. It's my love for Christ and my desire to follow Gods words when he says to love my fellow man like I love myself that had me send every piece of triathlon info and resource I have to David who is my 2nd most dangerous competition in my division. Everything from articles, my USAT coaching certification books & paperwork, Joe Friels "the triathlon training bible", offered to take him with me to any out of town races I go to, told him which is the best race in the series for clydes to get a 10 point finish for the series, & have even offered to let him use my race wheels at a few multisport races. I must say, it sounds like I'm a good person doesn't it. I'm not. It's God who's good, He changes my heart & convinces me to show the fruit on my tree. As always I must give ALL the glory to God, because I am a wretch of a man who has been shown the light and the goodness of Gods ways.
November 12, 2008
Diet motivation & work update
At church on Sunday a great sermon was preached by an elder while our Pastor is hunting with his eldest children. It was an outstanding sermon. I really love my church.
That Sunday was what I call "a bad day". I was out of control with my eating. I had a McDonald's breakfast, nothing good ever comes from the golden arches. During the sermon I was thinking about what I was going to eat before I went to sleep (I work nights, sleep at day). My food fantasies was interrupted by a fellow church member coming up to me & sharing with me that she hadn't had any candy in over a week! This same fellow Christian told me a couple weeks ago that she had found my blog & had felt my pain about dieting. She said she too has been struggling with her weight & that she found occasional motivation & support from reading my blog. I was speechless and touched. For someone to tell me my blog was helping them in their life even a little bit felt great. When I blog I do it as a way to express myself, as a stress relief, & sometimes even to brag a little;) To find out that my blog helped another was wonderful. To wonderful to put into words.
But back to how this time she helped me. As I'd said, I was having a bad diet day. My bad diet days are not what a person without an eating disorder could really understand. Overeating only partially explains what is happening to someone with my problem. The eating is only part of the problem. It's an addiction. Even when I'm full & couldn't eat another bite I'm only thinking of what other kind of a fix I could get, where, & how quickly. What would hit the spot, or fulfill my craving. No matter what I put in my mouth I don't feel the satisfaction most people get. Obsessed is the only word I can think of that can explain the deep rooted desire. I get truly obsessed about what I will eat, what would taste great right now, how much I'll have of each food, in what combinations, and so forth. Once I get into my overeating mode it's very very hard to get out of it. It would be humiliating to have someone see what I an doing so when I become enthralled in my food lusts I isolate myself from everyone. I'll sneak food into the bathroom or somewhere I can eat without being embarrassed or, even worse interrupted or made to slow down. I'll tell my wife or whomever I'm around I'm going to do some chores & I'll hit multiple places to eat. I'll get my favorite foods from each place I stop or drive through. I tried to explain this to my best buddy one time & he told me next time that I want to do that just stop! If I could stop during one of my episodes, I would because I really despise myself when I'm stuck in a binge. There's rarely anything that can stop or slow down one of my episodes. But that morning my fellow church member did just that. I'd be lying to say I stopped it all together. But she inadvertently was able to get me to minimize it quite a bit. Still had a lot of calories. But it was a FRACTION of what I would of done if it wasn't for her sharing with me her accomplishment & the high five she gave me. God helped me through her that day.
I put in for Sergeant at work like I had said I was going to. I don't really want the promotion because I love the position I'm in right now, & to be honest I'm secretly hoping I won't get it. I'm hoping there will be more highly qualified people putting in for it. The list of people putting in for the position is good for 12 months. So any Sergeant spots that open up here at the State Penitentiary for 1 year will be filled with the highest scoring person left on the list. The last 2 times this position was opened the list was completely exhausted. The most recent time, if I would have put in for Sergeant I would of been #2 in seniority. The good news is this time there are 5 people with more seniority than me! The bad news is there are already 8 Sergeant positions available. Immediately after the first round of Sergeant promotions the Penitentiary will be promoting any Sergeants who qualify for the Lieutenant spot, which opens up even more Sergeant positions. There are also quite a few Sergeants & Lieutenants who will be retiring in the next 12 months, which you guessed it, opens up even more spots!I know it sounds ridiculous that I'm putting in for a promotion & hoping I wont get it. It boils down to there being a lot more reasons to get the higher rank than to stay where I am. There's only one reason to stay where I am right now. 2 if you include complacency. The other is simply that I like my current post & position. The reasons to take the promotion is longer. I'll just list the major ones to make it easier reading.
1) If I make Sergeant I'll be back in the cell blocks & will have more opportunities to share Gods word with some people in much need of it.
2) I'll have to work less overtime to make the same amount of pay, so I'll have more time at home with my children
3) I only have 8 years left at the State Penitentiary before I can retire. But I'll have a higher pay grade in retirement for the rest of my life if I take the promotion.
Well, the written & oral board will be conducted in January or February. I'll let you know how it goes. Wish me luck, or bad luck. I'd be happy to have either one;)
One thing I have learned from today's post, even after 13 years I still can't spell Penitentiary. Thank goodness for spell check;)
That Sunday was what I call "a bad day". I was out of control with my eating. I had a McDonald's breakfast, nothing good ever comes from the golden arches. During the sermon I was thinking about what I was going to eat before I went to sleep (I work nights, sleep at day). My food fantasies was interrupted by a fellow church member coming up to me & sharing with me that she hadn't had any candy in over a week! This same fellow Christian told me a couple weeks ago that she had found my blog & had felt my pain about dieting. She said she too has been struggling with her weight & that she found occasional motivation & support from reading my blog. I was speechless and touched. For someone to tell me my blog was helping them in their life even a little bit felt great. When I blog I do it as a way to express myself, as a stress relief, & sometimes even to brag a little;) To find out that my blog helped another was wonderful. To wonderful to put into words.
But back to how this time she helped me. As I'd said, I was having a bad diet day. My bad diet days are not what a person without an eating disorder could really understand. Overeating only partially explains what is happening to someone with my problem. The eating is only part of the problem. It's an addiction. Even when I'm full & couldn't eat another bite I'm only thinking of what other kind of a fix I could get, where, & how quickly. What would hit the spot, or fulfill my craving. No matter what I put in my mouth I don't feel the satisfaction most people get. Obsessed is the only word I can think of that can explain the deep rooted desire. I get truly obsessed about what I will eat, what would taste great right now, how much I'll have of each food, in what combinations, and so forth. Once I get into my overeating mode it's very very hard to get out of it. It would be humiliating to have someone see what I an doing so when I become enthralled in my food lusts I isolate myself from everyone. I'll sneak food into the bathroom or somewhere I can eat without being embarrassed or, even worse interrupted or made to slow down. I'll tell my wife or whomever I'm around I'm going to do some chores & I'll hit multiple places to eat. I'll get my favorite foods from each place I stop or drive through. I tried to explain this to my best buddy one time & he told me next time that I want to do that just stop! If I could stop during one of my episodes, I would because I really despise myself when I'm stuck in a binge. There's rarely anything that can stop or slow down one of my episodes. But that morning my fellow church member did just that. I'd be lying to say I stopped it all together. But she inadvertently was able to get me to minimize it quite a bit. Still had a lot of calories. But it was a FRACTION of what I would of done if it wasn't for her sharing with me her accomplishment & the high five she gave me. God helped me through her that day.
I put in for Sergeant at work like I had said I was going to. I don't really want the promotion because I love the position I'm in right now, & to be honest I'm secretly hoping I won't get it. I'm hoping there will be more highly qualified people putting in for it. The list of people putting in for the position is good for 12 months. So any Sergeant spots that open up here at the State Penitentiary for 1 year will be filled with the highest scoring person left on the list. The last 2 times this position was opened the list was completely exhausted. The most recent time, if I would have put in for Sergeant I would of been #2 in seniority. The good news is this time there are 5 people with more seniority than me! The bad news is there are already 8 Sergeant positions available. Immediately after the first round of Sergeant promotions the Penitentiary will be promoting any Sergeants who qualify for the Lieutenant spot, which opens up even more Sergeant positions. There are also quite a few Sergeants & Lieutenants who will be retiring in the next 12 months, which you guessed it, opens up even more spots!I know it sounds ridiculous that I'm putting in for a promotion & hoping I wont get it. It boils down to there being a lot more reasons to get the higher rank than to stay where I am. There's only one reason to stay where I am right now. 2 if you include complacency. The other is simply that I like my current post & position. The reasons to take the promotion is longer. I'll just list the major ones to make it easier reading.
1) If I make Sergeant I'll be back in the cell blocks & will have more opportunities to share Gods word with some people in much need of it.
2) I'll have to work less overtime to make the same amount of pay, so I'll have more time at home with my children
3) I only have 8 years left at the State Penitentiary before I can retire. But I'll have a higher pay grade in retirement for the rest of my life if I take the promotion.
Well, the written & oral board will be conducted in January or February. I'll let you know how it goes. Wish me luck, or bad luck. I'd be happy to have either one;)
One thing I have learned from today's post, even after 13 years I still can't spell Penitentiary. Thank goodness for spell check;)
November 11, 2008
Tapering for IMAZ & a little advise
First thing, thank you to any veteran out there. My family & I are very grateful for the service you provided or are providing America. Boots Wiggins, a blog I follow regularly just got deployed to Bahrain with the Navy. He had to leave his wife & 2 small children here in the states. Since it's Veteran's day today, & if you have the time, hop on his blog & thank him for his service. I know it would mean the world to him. Again, thank you Veterans.
12 days until my Ironman. Ironman Arizona. I feel fast, by far the fastest I've ever felt tapering for an Iron, this being my 3rd time. My endurance is great. I have a new fast bike, a Cannondale Carbon Slice. I have a super fast set of HED 3 tubular wheels. This month I slowed WAY down on working overtime at work so I'll be rested going into race day. I'm 42 pounds lighter than last years DNF at the Silverman. All things seem to be pointing to a successful race, & I'm excited. Very excited.
The only thing I'm not so excited about right now is this dang taper. I don't do well with tapers. Before a big race an endurance athlete should never cut calories. Add that with the decreased training & that is rough on my waist line. But then I add the fact that I'm dealing with an eating disorder, then a taper turns into a nightmare. When I get overly emotional about things I turn to food for comfort. I'm REALLY excited about the race, & a little apprehensive, as any triathlete would be about an upcoming Ironman. I'm a little stressed about possibly making Sergeant at work. I'm also an all or nothing kind of a guy. I'm either hard core about my diet, or I'm off the wagon & eating out of control. Not usually any in between there. I'm amazed I'm only weighing 215 because I've been eating like a pregnant rhino (I assume they eat a lot when with child-er- rhino baby- whatever). But I'm also very optimistic. November 24th, the day after my Iron I'm going to be able to start dieting again. After eating so much for the last month I'm ready for some disciplined eating. & hey, I'm only at 215. Even now that I'm a little out of control with the eating I'm still lighter than any other year of adulthood;)
In July this year I got down to the lowest I'd ever weighed as an adult. 188 pounds. I promptly shot back up to 215 in about a month. This year I have to choose whether to race as a Clydesdale (200 pound or above) or as an age grouper (my age group this next year, if I am able to stay under 200 pounds will be 30-34). This year I raced the whole year as an AG 30-34 (won that age group in the South West too!), but was actually only under 200 pounds for about 1 month. I have no idea if I could stay below 200 pounds for the entire 2009 year, but I have to decide which division to race in by December 13th. Dec 13th is the Polar Bear Triathlon, which is the first race I'll be competing in for the 2009 season. To make a long story short, the reason I have to decide right away which division to race in is because I compete in the South West Challenge Series. Its a Multisport series that has 24 plus races in which a triathlete gets points for every race he/she completes in a year. The better a person does in a race the more points a person gets. If I do part of my races as an AG, & part as a Clydesdale then there's no way at all I could be competitive in either division. If I decide to race as a Clyde then realize part way into the season that I could get below 200, but don't so I can keep my Clydesdale status I'd be limiting my speed potential. Simply put, in biking & running, light is fast. If I race as an AG 30-34, but am unable to get below 200 pounds than I'd be racing in a highly competitive division at a severe disadvantage. Any advise or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
12 days until my Ironman. Ironman Arizona. I feel fast, by far the fastest I've ever felt tapering for an Iron, this being my 3rd time. My endurance is great. I have a new fast bike, a Cannondale Carbon Slice. I have a super fast set of HED 3 tubular wheels. This month I slowed WAY down on working overtime at work so I'll be rested going into race day. I'm 42 pounds lighter than last years DNF at the Silverman. All things seem to be pointing to a successful race, & I'm excited. Very excited.
The only thing I'm not so excited about right now is this dang taper. I don't do well with tapers. Before a big race an endurance athlete should never cut calories. Add that with the decreased training & that is rough on my waist line. But then I add the fact that I'm dealing with an eating disorder, then a taper turns into a nightmare. When I get overly emotional about things I turn to food for comfort. I'm REALLY excited about the race, & a little apprehensive, as any triathlete would be about an upcoming Ironman. I'm a little stressed about possibly making Sergeant at work. I'm also an all or nothing kind of a guy. I'm either hard core about my diet, or I'm off the wagon & eating out of control. Not usually any in between there. I'm amazed I'm only weighing 215 because I've been eating like a pregnant rhino (I assume they eat a lot when with child-er- rhino baby- whatever). But I'm also very optimistic. November 24th, the day after my Iron I'm going to be able to start dieting again. After eating so much for the last month I'm ready for some disciplined eating. & hey, I'm only at 215. Even now that I'm a little out of control with the eating I'm still lighter than any other year of adulthood;)
In July this year I got down to the lowest I'd ever weighed as an adult. 188 pounds. I promptly shot back up to 215 in about a month. This year I have to choose whether to race as a Clydesdale (200 pound or above) or as an age grouper (my age group this next year, if I am able to stay under 200 pounds will be 30-34). This year I raced the whole year as an AG 30-34 (won that age group in the South West too!), but was actually only under 200 pounds for about 1 month. I have no idea if I could stay below 200 pounds for the entire 2009 year, but I have to decide which division to race in by December 13th. Dec 13th is the Polar Bear Triathlon, which is the first race I'll be competing in for the 2009 season. To make a long story short, the reason I have to decide right away which division to race in is because I compete in the South West Challenge Series. Its a Multisport series that has 24 plus races in which a triathlete gets points for every race he/she completes in a year. The better a person does in a race the more points a person gets. If I do part of my races as an AG, & part as a Clydesdale then there's no way at all I could be competitive in either division. If I decide to race as a Clyde then realize part way into the season that I could get below 200, but don't so I can keep my Clydesdale status I'd be limiting my speed potential. Simply put, in biking & running, light is fast. If I race as an AG 30-34, but am unable to get below 200 pounds than I'd be racing in a highly competitive division at a severe disadvantage. Any advise or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
October 21, 2008
A good week
Yesterday was the last day of a recovery week, or rest & test week as we triathletes call it. I feel great for the first time since early Sept. I was thinking about what could have caused such a drastic downward spiral the past couple months. I had been training & responding better from last November until this August than I have in 5.5 years of training & racing in triathlon. I've come up with 2 reasons. During the recovery weeks I'd had in the last couple months I had been sick. So I think my body was trying to fight off a sickness, thus was unable to heal my body from the intense training. I believe I was in the trows of overtraining. This is the first week I've felt great in 2 months. I feel better both mentally & physically. A depression I'd been feeling since uly has finally started to lift. I am glad to say, I really do feel great.
I believe the other, & biggest reason for me feeling better is that I have recently been leaning on God very heavily. Everyday before work I have been reading 1-2 chapters from the bible. I'm currently in chapter 3 of Luke. I've been praying more than I had been in a very long time. & I believe that has led to the improvements in my well being. God rewards his followers faithfulness. I've been praying for God to help with my depression. & especially this week, He has helped me feel happy again.
One of the things I've been praying for in the overall scheme of life truly is unimportant. I've been praying for God to help me with my eating/weight issues. As most of the readers of my blog know, I have MAJOR food issues. Much like a drug addict will turn to their drug of choice when they are stressed, sad, or have any kind of emotional stress. I turn to food. Most people turn to food for comfort a little. But to the degree I do it, there's no doubt there's a serious addiction problem going on. Thank goodness my addiction is food, because if I turned to alcohol to the degree I turn to food there's no doubt I'd of died of alcohol poisoning long ago. This last couple of weeks I haven't binged once. That feels great to be able to write. I HAVEN'T BINGED ONCE IN OVER 2 WEEKS! First time since late June that I could say that. Since July I had gone from 188 pounds to 2 weeks ago being a thick & miserable 217. I'm not currently dieting at all. An athlete should never try & lose weight before a big "A" race (Ironman Arizona, the biggest race of my life is now only 1 month & 3 days away). But since I've
started praying more I've dropped 8 pounds. I'm currently at 209. God knows me, & He chooses to help me in my fight with the bulge even though that particular concern really is frivolous in the grand scheme of things.
In church on Sunday my pastor told us he is starting a blog. His blog is now listed in My "blogs I follow" list. It is called A Glory Hunter. I found another blog yesterday while online that I am very excited about reading. It's written by Mark W Jr. He's a guy I've looked up to for many years. He's been very devoted in his walk with Christ for as long as I've known him. He's been an inspiration in my life since I found God back in 1999. What's so amazing about this guy is he's only 20, yet for 9 years he's been one of the best examples to me of what kind of a person I'd like to be. Faithful & strong in his walk with God. Always setting an example by his actions. Works tirelessly in helping others walk with the Lord. His blog is called One Thirst. Mark is in the army, & is currently deployed in a war zone right now. In the last 3 weeks his unit has had direct hits twice by mortar attacks. Many of the soldiers in his unit have died in thew last 3 weeks. Any out there who may read this, please please pray for him, the troops of his unit, & their families.
Thank you for tuning in. & SWtri gal, Iron Outlaw, the Clyeologist, & Boots Wiggins, I just wanted to thank you again for your support & words of encouragement the last month. They helped more than you could know.
Peace!
I believe the other, & biggest reason for me feeling better is that I have recently been leaning on God very heavily. Everyday before work I have been reading 1-2 chapters from the bible. I'm currently in chapter 3 of Luke. I've been praying more than I had been in a very long time. & I believe that has led to the improvements in my well being. God rewards his followers faithfulness. I've been praying for God to help with my depression. & especially this week, He has helped me feel happy again.
One of the things I've been praying for in the overall scheme of life truly is unimportant. I've been praying for God to help me with my eating/weight issues. As most of the readers of my blog know, I have MAJOR food issues. Much like a drug addict will turn to their drug of choice when they are stressed, sad, or have any kind of emotional stress. I turn to food. Most people turn to food for comfort a little. But to the degree I do it, there's no doubt there's a serious addiction problem going on. Thank goodness my addiction is food, because if I turned to alcohol to the degree I turn to food there's no doubt I'd of died of alcohol poisoning long ago. This last couple of weeks I haven't binged once. That feels great to be able to write. I HAVEN'T BINGED ONCE IN OVER 2 WEEKS! First time since late June that I could say that. Since July I had gone from 188 pounds to 2 weeks ago being a thick & miserable 217. I'm not currently dieting at all. An athlete should never try & lose weight before a big "A" race (Ironman Arizona, the biggest race of my life is now only 1 month & 3 days away). But since I've
started praying more I've dropped 8 pounds. I'm currently at 209. God knows me, & He chooses to help me in my fight with the bulge even though that particular concern really is frivolous in the grand scheme of things.
In church on Sunday my pastor told us he is starting a blog. His blog is now listed in My "blogs I follow" list. It is called A Glory Hunter. I found another blog yesterday while online that I am very excited about reading. It's written by Mark W Jr. He's a guy I've looked up to for many years. He's been very devoted in his walk with Christ for as long as I've known him. He's been an inspiration in my life since I found God back in 1999. What's so amazing about this guy is he's only 20, yet for 9 years he's been one of the best examples to me of what kind of a person I'd like to be. Faithful & strong in his walk with God. Always setting an example by his actions. Works tirelessly in helping others walk with the Lord. His blog is called One Thirst. Mark is in the army, & is currently deployed in a war zone right now. In the last 3 weeks his unit has had direct hits twice by mortar attacks. Many of the soldiers in his unit have died in thew last 3 weeks. Any out there who may read this, please please pray for him, the troops of his unit, & their families.
Thank you for tuning in. & SWtri gal, Iron Outlaw, the Clyeologist, & Boots Wiggins, I just wanted to thank you again for your support & words of encouragement the last month. They helped more than you could know.
Peace!
June 22, 2008
Still standing
I took my family camping at Vallecito lake Colorado which is right right outside of Durango. We left bright & early on Tuesday, and returned late Friday night. The last non-triathlon vacation we had was last year about this same time. This trip was long overdue. We mostly did a lot of relaxing & family time. Since I've been working 72+ hrs a week since last September all that family time was a very special treat for all of us. I had brought all my training gear & had every intention of training each morning. Didn't happen. Not only did I miss 4 workouts in row, I also got hit with the "big one". I've been waiting for the "big one". I knew it was coming. I didn't know exactly when, but I knew it would come sooner than later. I have lost sleep over when it would show & how I would respond. Well it hit me this weekend, & it hit me harder than I had even had even feared it would.
What's the "big one" you ask? Eventually after I've lost weight I get hit with this overwhelming need to gain weight. I don't know why, I can't explain it. The "big one" is different than all the other binges I go on for the usual reasons of stress, overwhelming emotions, celebrations, etc. I know when the big one hits because its an uncontrollable & overwhelming need that goes beyond a physical craving like usual. I'm not sure if I can explain this properly, but it feels as if my body knows it's thin & there's an overwhelming need to thicken up. As best as I can tell when this happens to me it feels like I'm trying to build up emotional padding, & the weight is my defensive mechanism. When this feeling has hit me on the occasions I had lost a lot of weight I knew without any question to just throw away all my clothes I'd bought since I'd lost weight. There was nothing I could do but ride the binges to a new all time high body weight. I've gained as much as 60 pounds in a little over 3 months when the "big one" hits me. The only thing that's been consistent when this happens is that it's uncontrollable, & I'm unable to get back on the weight loss wagon for many many months. Usually years.
This time it hit me on Tuesday. No warning. But I recognized it when it hit. I'll save you the gory details. I recognized this binge & knew this binge was different from all the other ones. This was the one I'd been waiting for, it always finds me. From Tuesday until Saturday morning I had gone from 188 to 205 pounds. Yup, your reading that correctly. A 17 pound gain in 4 days. The amount I'd gained in such a short period of time wasn't unusual. The unexplainable feeling of comfort as I got visibly fatter each day wasn't unusual. But Saturday morning was unusual. Saturday morning I was happy -no I was elated! I had regained control. I may not know why the big one hits. But I know why this time was different. I have come to realize that my uncontrollable eating is not something that is happening to me because I'm weak. I didn't beat myself up by saying to myself such stupid things like "be a man, take control of yourself & stop eating!" I realized this was something that's a part of me. I don't know why. But it's going to happen. And when it does it is something that needs to be managed. It has nothing to do with self control or inner strength.
I tried to control the amount of eating I was doing (obviously I failed there). & I didn't dwell on what had happened thus far. I tried to minimize it to as small an amount of days as possible. In that aspect I did great! You may be thinking "dude, you gained the amount of weight in 4 days that took you 3 months to lose. What are you so dang happy about?". The point is my friend, for the first time in my life I was able to stop the downward spiral. I gained control. No, that doesn't explain it well enough. I stopped the uncontrollability. Yes, that's what I did.
I'm back to eating healthy. & now I'm armed with the knowledge that I can continue to live life eating healthy most of the time and being a relatively light & fast triathlete. I'm someone who can regain control of the darkest aspect of my life. Life is good, & with Gods help I'm in the drivers seat once again! I'll keep you informed how my 2 goals of getting below 200 again & to my ultimate goal of 185 is going.
What's the "big one" you ask? Eventually after I've lost weight I get hit with this overwhelming need to gain weight. I don't know why, I can't explain it. The "big one" is different than all the other binges I go on for the usual reasons of stress, overwhelming emotions, celebrations, etc. I know when the big one hits because its an uncontrollable & overwhelming need that goes beyond a physical craving like usual. I'm not sure if I can explain this properly, but it feels as if my body knows it's thin & there's an overwhelming need to thicken up. As best as I can tell when this happens to me it feels like I'm trying to build up emotional padding, & the weight is my defensive mechanism. When this feeling has hit me on the occasions I had lost a lot of weight I knew without any question to just throw away all my clothes I'd bought since I'd lost weight. There was nothing I could do but ride the binges to a new all time high body weight. I've gained as much as 60 pounds in a little over 3 months when the "big one" hits me. The only thing that's been consistent when this happens is that it's uncontrollable, & I'm unable to get back on the weight loss wagon for many many months. Usually years.
This time it hit me on Tuesday. No warning. But I recognized it when it hit. I'll save you the gory details. I recognized this binge & knew this binge was different from all the other ones. This was the one I'd been waiting for, it always finds me. From Tuesday until Saturday morning I had gone from 188 to 205 pounds. Yup, your reading that correctly. A 17 pound gain in 4 days. The amount I'd gained in such a short period of time wasn't unusual. The unexplainable feeling of comfort as I got visibly fatter each day wasn't unusual. But Saturday morning was unusual. Saturday morning I was happy -no I was elated! I had regained control. I may not know why the big one hits. But I know why this time was different. I have come to realize that my uncontrollable eating is not something that is happening to me because I'm weak. I didn't beat myself up by saying to myself such stupid things like "be a man, take control of yourself & stop eating!" I realized this was something that's a part of me. I don't know why. But it's going to happen. And when it does it is something that needs to be managed. It has nothing to do with self control or inner strength.
I tried to control the amount of eating I was doing (obviously I failed there). & I didn't dwell on what had happened thus far. I tried to minimize it to as small an amount of days as possible. In that aspect I did great! You may be thinking "dude, you gained the amount of weight in 4 days that took you 3 months to lose. What are you so dang happy about?". The point is my friend, for the first time in my life I was able to stop the downward spiral. I gained control. No, that doesn't explain it well enough. I stopped the uncontrollability. Yes, that's what I did.
I'm back to eating healthy. & now I'm armed with the knowledge that I can continue to live life eating healthy most of the time and being a relatively light & fast triathlete. I'm someone who can regain control of the darkest aspect of my life. Life is good, & with Gods help I'm in the drivers seat once again! I'll keep you informed how my 2 goals of getting below 200 again & to my ultimate goal of 185 is going.
June 15, 2008
societies accepted prejudice
I'm well aware that some of my posts about my overeating aren't pretty, & that some people will be uncomfortable with my rampant & destructive overeating. I am trying to keep a promise I've made with myself- to accept responsibility while at the same time striving to shed guilt & leave shame behind I don't think I am shirking if I say I don't believe that I could have behaved any differently than I had. There is a paradox at work there. At each particular moment & with every bite of food I took in, I had a choice. By eating so rampantly, I made the wrong choice again & again. But in a broader, deeper way, I don't believe I had a choice at all. Something was controlling me.
If the exact nature of the fat disease is beyond my understanding, some of it's implications have become painfully clear to me during the 7 years I was overweight to obese. During the time of 2000-2007 I had been shunned for dates, heard unkind nick-names, I came to know firsthand about our culture's deep biases against fat people.
Like every form of prejudice, those biases interfere with our being seen as individuals. Once someone got to know me I became a person. I was Cody. But until that point was reached-if it ever was- I was a stereotype, a silhouette, a cut out with a rounded shape not deemed to be attractive.
If the bias against fat begins as a prejudice regarding how we look, it ends up running much deeper. People tend to make all sorts of assumptions about those of us who are fat. They tend to imagine that in some perverse way we have chosen to be fat & that we could be thin if only we'd get a grip & show some discipline, if only we'd rise up off our fat behinds & get some exercise. In allot of cases its not that easy. Unfat people tend to blame us for our burden even though its our burden, not theirs.
Not only do many people disapprove of us for being fat; they feel perfectly free to show it. Even now, in the 21st century, as we are finally becoming respectful of diversity in things like race & gender, we as a culture still seem to condone sneering & smirking at fat people. Unfat people seem to think it's fine to stare at what we order in restaurants & glare if it doesn't meet with their approval. Fat jokes are still a staple of so-called comedy on TV & in the movies. Fat stereotypes still abound. A fat man is likely to be presented as falsely jolly or a pathetic man. A greedy politician will nearly always have an ample belly. A hero's side kick may be portrayed as fat, for comic relief. The hero of course will be lean.
These insensitive representations of fat people are bad enough if we think of fatness simply as a human difference. They become simply inexcusable as we accept the idea that fatness isn't just a difference but a disease. Can you imagine civilized people making jokes about any other disease the way they make jokes about being fat?
Now, even if you refuse to admit that fatness is a disease let me ask you, why is it ok for our society to treat fat people like they are diseased. If your friends with one, or God forbid you date a fatty, -as if being with a fat man cast doubt on their own attractiveness. Some of the people I've debated this with say its because fatness is a choice. We are fat because we are to lazy not to be. Its true, I can, & did, just like any other fat person could, take steps to become thinner, or in societies eyes become better looking & more attractive. A person who gets cancer, isn't it their choice to get treatment. If they are unsuccessful at that treatment, could any person in their right mind make fun of them or treat them unkindly? People make that choice to treat fat people poorly all the time. I felt horrid about myself every moment I was fat. I didn't like myself. Others made me not like myself, because they acted like they didn't like me. Others treated me differently once I got fat who had never treated me poorly before. I'll never forget the day a family member whom I loved & trusted pulled me aside & told me to be a good Father & husband I needed to not be overweight. Why would he say that to me? I was still the same person I was before I had gained my weight. I feel so bad for people who are fat because of the way they are treated. Treating someone differently because they are fat, being uncomfortable having to talk to one, or being disgusted if you are on a blind date with one is a prejudice. Think prejudice is to harsh a word? Could someone imagine the uproar there would be if someone actually suggested a person of color get some kind of treatment to become less dark so that they will be more successful, trusted, or even accepted? How virulent is today's bias against fat? I recently came across a study in which a group of collage students were asked whom they would least likely marry. When the results were tallied, it turned out these students would Rather be wed to a cocaine user, a former mental patient, a shoplifter, a sexually promiscuous partner, a communist, an atheist, or a blind person than someone who is fat. Welcome to a fat persons life. That's what people hint, & even say to us everyday.
Be nice, fat people are human too. We have emotions just like everyone else, if anything we are even more sensitive than most because we are so often the brunt of mistreatment. Don't treat us differently because we're the same person no matter what we weigh. Its not healthy to be overweight, but we shouldn't be treated like we are doing something wrong.
If the exact nature of the fat disease is beyond my understanding, some of it's implications have become painfully clear to me during the 7 years I was overweight to obese. During the time of 2000-2007 I had been shunned for dates, heard unkind nick-names, I came to know firsthand about our culture's deep biases against fat people.
Like every form of prejudice, those biases interfere with our being seen as individuals. Once someone got to know me I became a person. I was Cody. But until that point was reached-if it ever was- I was a stereotype, a silhouette, a cut out with a rounded shape not deemed to be attractive.
If the bias against fat begins as a prejudice regarding how we look, it ends up running much deeper. People tend to make all sorts of assumptions about those of us who are fat. They tend to imagine that in some perverse way we have chosen to be fat & that we could be thin if only we'd get a grip & show some discipline, if only we'd rise up off our fat behinds & get some exercise. In allot of cases its not that easy. Unfat people tend to blame us for our burden even though its our burden, not theirs.
Not only do many people disapprove of us for being fat; they feel perfectly free to show it. Even now, in the 21st century, as we are finally becoming respectful of diversity in things like race & gender, we as a culture still seem to condone sneering & smirking at fat people. Unfat people seem to think it's fine to stare at what we order in restaurants & glare if it doesn't meet with their approval. Fat jokes are still a staple of so-called comedy on TV & in the movies. Fat stereotypes still abound. A fat man is likely to be presented as falsely jolly or a pathetic man. A greedy politician will nearly always have an ample belly. A hero's side kick may be portrayed as fat, for comic relief. The hero of course will be lean.
These insensitive representations of fat people are bad enough if we think of fatness simply as a human difference. They become simply inexcusable as we accept the idea that fatness isn't just a difference but a disease. Can you imagine civilized people making jokes about any other disease the way they make jokes about being fat?
Now, even if you refuse to admit that fatness is a disease let me ask you, why is it ok for our society to treat fat people like they are diseased. If your friends with one, or God forbid you date a fatty, -as if being with a fat man cast doubt on their own attractiveness. Some of the people I've debated this with say its because fatness is a choice. We are fat because we are to lazy not to be. Its true, I can, & did, just like any other fat person could, take steps to become thinner, or in societies eyes become better looking & more attractive. A person who gets cancer, isn't it their choice to get treatment. If they are unsuccessful at that treatment, could any person in their right mind make fun of them or treat them unkindly? People make that choice to treat fat people poorly all the time. I felt horrid about myself every moment I was fat. I didn't like myself. Others made me not like myself, because they acted like they didn't like me. Others treated me differently once I got fat who had never treated me poorly before. I'll never forget the day a family member whom I loved & trusted pulled me aside & told me to be a good Father & husband I needed to not be overweight. Why would he say that to me? I was still the same person I was before I had gained my weight. I feel so bad for people who are fat because of the way they are treated. Treating someone differently because they are fat, being uncomfortable having to talk to one, or being disgusted if you are on a blind date with one is a prejudice. Think prejudice is to harsh a word? Could someone imagine the uproar there would be if someone actually suggested a person of color get some kind of treatment to become less dark so that they will be more successful, trusted, or even accepted? How virulent is today's bias against fat? I recently came across a study in which a group of collage students were asked whom they would least likely marry. When the results were tallied, it turned out these students would Rather be wed to a cocaine user, a former mental patient, a shoplifter, a sexually promiscuous partner, a communist, an atheist, or a blind person than someone who is fat. Welcome to a fat persons life. That's what people hint, & even say to us everyday.
Be nice, fat people are human too. We have emotions just like everyone else, if anything we are even more sensitive than most because we are so often the brunt of mistreatment. Don't treat us differently because we're the same person no matter what we weigh. Its not healthy to be overweight, but we shouldn't be treated like we are doing something wrong.
June 02, 2008
long ride & more calories
I rode my bike from Albuquerque to Santa Fe on Saturday. It was a heart rate controlled ride, keeping my heart rate at zone 2 or below. That ride is one of my favorite training rides. It totals 56.5 miles from my Mother in laws house on Eubank & Academy to my house at the State penitentiary just south of Santa Fe. It is a very mountainous ride through the East side of the Sandia mountains, my starting point in Albuquerque is 6500 feet above elevation. My destination, Santa Fe is the highest state capital at 7000 feet above sea level. Last year that ride usually took me around 4 hrs 45 minutes This year I smoked my old average getting home in 4 hrs 8 minutes. On top of that I felt allot better after I was done. Last year I'd of been fatigued from that ride, this year I felt great. Training's going great. Things are not only on track, but even better than I'd of ever dreamed.
I weighed in today at 189.2 pounds. Two tenths of a pound from my pre-Buffman & Squeaky race weight. I weighed in at 189 even after 3 bad diet days. One of my triggers for overeating is exhaustion. Another one is obviously hunger. I had both at the end of this week. Long story short I've been working way to much recently & it caught up to me throwing me into a 3 day binge. I was able to minimize the amounts I was eating somewhat which was a change for the better. Overall damage apparently wasn't that bad. At least that's what the scale told me this morning.
Last week I had experimented by dropping my daily calories from 2200 to 1900 a day in hopes of speeding up my weight loss a little. I was a little hungry most of the time, but I felt I'd be able to control it. I was wrong This was the other reason I went into that food binge. Not sure how much of it was exhaustion and how much of it was an entire week of slightly lower calories than I need. But I've decided to raise my calories back up to 2200. 2200 calories a day may take much longer to lose this last 8-13 pounds, depending on if I decide to stop my weight loss at 180 or 175. But I figure its better to lose it slowly than to fall off the wagon from hunger & start the downward slide back to 292 pounds. Besides, those extra 300 calories sure do taste good throughout the day;)
I weighed in today at 189.2 pounds. Two tenths of a pound from my pre-Buffman & Squeaky race weight. I weighed in at 189 even after 3 bad diet days. One of my triggers for overeating is exhaustion. Another one is obviously hunger. I had both at the end of this week. Long story short I've been working way to much recently & it caught up to me throwing me into a 3 day binge. I was able to minimize the amounts I was eating somewhat which was a change for the better. Overall damage apparently wasn't that bad. At least that's what the scale told me this morning.
Last week I had experimented by dropping my daily calories from 2200 to 1900 a day in hopes of speeding up my weight loss a little. I was a little hungry most of the time, but I felt I'd be able to control it. I was wrong This was the other reason I went into that food binge. Not sure how much of it was exhaustion and how much of it was an entire week of slightly lower calories than I need. But I've decided to raise my calories back up to 2200. 2200 calories a day may take much longer to lose this last 8-13 pounds, depending on if I decide to stop my weight loss at 180 or 175. But I figure its better to lose it slowly than to fall off the wagon from hunger & start the downward slide back to 292 pounds. Besides, those extra 300 calories sure do taste good throughout the day;)
June 01, 2008
over eating
Since as long as I can remember I'd overeat. Not just a little. When I was in 2nd grade I remember I came home after a particularly bad day & continued eating a large bag of chocolate bars until I'd ate so much I threw up. I had this horrible feeling of guilt. I hid the wrappers under my bed & tried to clean up & hide the mess so no one would know what I'd done. I knew I wouldn't get in trouble for eating the chocolate. That's what they were there for. But I was afraid someone would find out about how much I'd ate & think there was something wrong with me or think I was bad. No one ever told me or even hinted overeating was bad, but I seemed to know even then there was something not right or normal about what I was doing.
I've turned to food for comfort, stress relief, guilt, feelings of inadequacy, elation, or even to help ease my overwhelming remorse for having just overate. For years I was in a state of denial. I'd just chalk what I'd done up as a lack of inner strength. I'd tell myself I would never do that again. Each commitment to no longer go over board with the food would inevitably end with a binge on food, sometimes in a few weeks, sometimes as soon as the next meal. As long as I just keep telling myself I was weak it made me feel like I was normal. But convincing myself that I had a lack of inner strength made me feel like I was a pathetic excuse of a man. The lack of self control made me beat myself up. The more I beat myself up, the more I'd turn to food, the more I'd gain weight, the more I'd beat myself up. It was a horrible snow ball effect that very frequently sent me into a state of depression. Not to mention a weight of 292 pounds in 2003. In late 07 a guy who read my blog frequently & was also a triathlete with over eating issues tried to contact me. He was emailing me, & leaving messages on my phone. I wanted to talk to him because everything he'd said about eating disorders rang true deep down in me. But I still avoided contact with him because I didn't want to admit to having an addiction. I don't know why I was so afraid to admit I had issues with food. Once I finally opened my eyes to the signs of what I was doing & what it meant I realized its not some horribly dark or evil secret. What I was doing didn't make me bad. What I was doing wasn't even an evil thing. It was not the healthiest thing for my body. But I wasn't doing anything dishonest or hurtful to those around me. Perhaps at times it was annoying to my wife when a treat she was looking foreword to was gone, all of it. But I wasn't hurting anyone.
Once I'd accepted the fact that what I was doing was an emotional response & my way of dealing with issues, not some horrible thing to be ignored & hidden, I started to learn what things triggered my emotional eating. I've learned to figure out what emotions I'm feeling because I eat particular foods for different emotions. All that knowledge has helped me somewhat control my eating disorder. Its by no means "fixed". Simple fact of the matter is that I will never be able to stop my emotional eating, but there are things I'm learning that can help to minimize the overeating to one meal, or even a couple days rather than binging for weeks like I have more times than I'd like to count.
The most important lesson I learned is acceptance. It is a part of who I am. Its the way my body deals with stress or overwhelming situations. That doesn't mean I just say "ok, I'm stressed, I'm going to eat uncontrollably." But it does mean I am learning to accept that when it happens I need to realize it is what I do in these situations. If I beat myself up over it, it'll just get worse. I've learned to try to minimize it, but not dwell on it when I'm doing it, & not to dwell on it after I'm done. I try & stop, or simply slow down the amount of emotional eating I'm doing. If for example I had an entire day of uncontrollable eating. The next day I try & accept yesterday for what it was, not make it worse or happen again by beating myself up. I look at today as a new day. I often tell myself, "ok, yesterday wasn't a good day, but I'm going to make today a better day." No self chastising, no regret or remorse. Just optimism because today is a new day. That alone has helped immensely. I still have my eating addiction, I realize it will never go away on its own or even with help. But with the right mindset I have learned I can minimize the damage I do to myself physically, mentally, & emotionally. I'm now down to 189 pounds & this weekend I fit into a size 32 pants for the first time since my Junior year of high school. There is light at the end of this tunnel if you have the same problem. When you overeat, that is not a "bad" thing. It's how you deal with your problems. There is nothing wrong with you, it doesn't make you evil or abnormal. But most importantly there are skills you can learn to help you minimize it. When you binge eat, you need to learn to still like yourself. There are allot of people out there who do love you knowing about your food issues. There are even more people out there who would still love you if they found out about your food issues. So why shouldn't you like you too? Talk to someone who has a food issue, or talk to someone who is trained to help people with food issues. If you don't want to do that, get into contact with me. I'm not the most intelligent or articulate person, but I understand what its like & I don't want you to feel like I did for years. Don't be embarrassed because I guarantee you there are allot more successful people out there than you & I who have eating disorders. It doesn't make them less successful or likable. There's light at the end of this tunnel. I promise.
I've turned to food for comfort, stress relief, guilt, feelings of inadequacy, elation, or even to help ease my overwhelming remorse for having just overate. For years I was in a state of denial. I'd just chalk what I'd done up as a lack of inner strength. I'd tell myself I would never do that again. Each commitment to no longer go over board with the food would inevitably end with a binge on food, sometimes in a few weeks, sometimes as soon as the next meal. As long as I just keep telling myself I was weak it made me feel like I was normal. But convincing myself that I had a lack of inner strength made me feel like I was a pathetic excuse of a man. The lack of self control made me beat myself up. The more I beat myself up, the more I'd turn to food, the more I'd gain weight, the more I'd beat myself up. It was a horrible snow ball effect that very frequently sent me into a state of depression. Not to mention a weight of 292 pounds in 2003. In late 07 a guy who read my blog frequently & was also a triathlete with over eating issues tried to contact me. He was emailing me, & leaving messages on my phone. I wanted to talk to him because everything he'd said about eating disorders rang true deep down in me. But I still avoided contact with him because I didn't want to admit to having an addiction. I don't know why I was so afraid to admit I had issues with food. Once I finally opened my eyes to the signs of what I was doing & what it meant I realized its not some horribly dark or evil secret. What I was doing didn't make me bad. What I was doing wasn't even an evil thing. It was not the healthiest thing for my body. But I wasn't doing anything dishonest or hurtful to those around me. Perhaps at times it was annoying to my wife when a treat she was looking foreword to was gone, all of it. But I wasn't hurting anyone.
Once I'd accepted the fact that what I was doing was an emotional response & my way of dealing with issues, not some horrible thing to be ignored & hidden, I started to learn what things triggered my emotional eating. I've learned to figure out what emotions I'm feeling because I eat particular foods for different emotions. All that knowledge has helped me somewhat control my eating disorder. Its by no means "fixed". Simple fact of the matter is that I will never be able to stop my emotional eating, but there are things I'm learning that can help to minimize the overeating to one meal, or even a couple days rather than binging for weeks like I have more times than I'd like to count.
The most important lesson I learned is acceptance. It is a part of who I am. Its the way my body deals with stress or overwhelming situations. That doesn't mean I just say "ok, I'm stressed, I'm going to eat uncontrollably." But it does mean I am learning to accept that when it happens I need to realize it is what I do in these situations. If I beat myself up over it, it'll just get worse. I've learned to try to minimize it, but not dwell on it when I'm doing it, & not to dwell on it after I'm done. I try & stop, or simply slow down the amount of emotional eating I'm doing. If for example I had an entire day of uncontrollable eating. The next day I try & accept yesterday for what it was, not make it worse or happen again by beating myself up. I look at today as a new day. I often tell myself, "ok, yesterday wasn't a good day, but I'm going to make today a better day." No self chastising, no regret or remorse. Just optimism because today is a new day. That alone has helped immensely. I still have my eating addiction, I realize it will never go away on its own or even with help. But with the right mindset I have learned I can minimize the damage I do to myself physically, mentally, & emotionally. I'm now down to 189 pounds & this weekend I fit into a size 32 pants for the first time since my Junior year of high school. There is light at the end of this tunnel if you have the same problem. When you overeat, that is not a "bad" thing. It's how you deal with your problems. There is nothing wrong with you, it doesn't make you evil or abnormal. But most importantly there are skills you can learn to help you minimize it. When you binge eat, you need to learn to still like yourself. There are allot of people out there who do love you knowing about your food issues. There are even more people out there who would still love you if they found out about your food issues. So why shouldn't you like you too? Talk to someone who has a food issue, or talk to someone who is trained to help people with food issues. If you don't want to do that, get into contact with me. I'm not the most intelligent or articulate person, but I understand what its like & I don't want you to feel like I did for years. Don't be embarrassed because I guarantee you there are allot more successful people out there than you & I who have eating disorders. It doesn't make them less successful or likable. There's light at the end of this tunnel. I promise.
May 16, 2008
Buffman & Squeaky Oly & a taper
My favorite 2 races are the Atomic Man duathlon & the Buffman & Squeaky Olympic distance triathlon. I'll be competing in the Buffman this weekend in Lubbock TX. This is the 4th year in a row I will have done this race. Last year I set a personal course record of 2 hrs 52 minutes. I'm hoping to finish this race in under 2 hrs 40 minutes. That's a lofty goal. 12 minutes faster than last years PR. 12 minutes, that's no small feat. Especially considering how difficult this course is. Its the exact same course as the BSLT 703. It's a hot & hilly course. 12 minutes faster would usually be unattainable. But this year I'm coming in 42 pounds lighter. My training's been on the money, I'm following my coach's plan to the tee, & I'm doing a taper for this race. I'm only doing 4 tapers this year. Its part of my plan this year of racing less. Hopefully this plan will help me to do a sub 6 hr half iron at the 5430 & a Sub 13 hr Ironman Arizona in Nov. But before I focus on those races I have the Buffman & Squeaky in my sights.
Only one problem. This dang taper. To taper is a good thing because I get to see how my efforts are paying off. But in all honesty I hate tapering. I don't do well with tapers at all. Allot of it has to do with the mental aspect of tapering. I keep thinking that if I wasn't tapering I'd be gaining more fitness for my Iron aspirations. But my biggest problem with the taper is the food cravings & weight gain! Most athletes struggle with their weight during a taper. All endurance athletes get cravings during a taper. But when it comes to food cravings I'm a weakling. Yesterday I was almost giddy when I got off the weight scale. 188 pounds. 190 was my dream goal back in November when I DNF'd my first Ironman due to being obese. I was 256 pounds in November. I never dreamed I could actually get to 190. Now I'm below 190. A dream come true! This is the first time I've been this light since I was 17 years old. Maybe 16. Then last night I had a taper induced sweet tooth go rampant. I ate 128 weight watcher points yesterday. 6400 calories. More than I'd usually eat in 3 days. Most of those calories were consumed from 3pm to 9 pm yesterday. Today I ate 2 plates of nachos & 1.5 packages of graham crackers before work. The only reason I stopped over-eating today was because I had to go to work. When I'm at work I'm stuck in a tower for 12 hrs a night & have no access to any food other than what I bring to work. Thank the good Lord for my work.
I keep telling myself today & yesterday is over. Tomorrow is a new day. There's 3 days left until my race & then my tapers over. I'm hoping I can hang onto my diet plan the next 3 days. I won't dwell on the last 2 days because when I beat myself up I turn to food for comfort. Its a big bad snow ball affect. I'm choosing to accept what I've done the last 2 days, & just move on. 3 days. I can do anything for such a short period of time. I just need to keep praying for strength & fortitude. I need to keep my eye on the prize.... Ironman, a 13 hr Ironman to be exact.
Light is fast.
Skinny isn't a body type, its a tactical necessity.
I'll see if I can minimize my food cravings until this taper is over. 3 days. Any prayers would be appreciated. Keep tuned in & I'll let you know how my taper, diet, & race goes.
Thanks for reading. I'm out!
Only one problem. This dang taper. To taper is a good thing because I get to see how my efforts are paying off. But in all honesty I hate tapering. I don't do well with tapers at all. Allot of it has to do with the mental aspect of tapering. I keep thinking that if I wasn't tapering I'd be gaining more fitness for my Iron aspirations. But my biggest problem with the taper is the food cravings & weight gain! Most athletes struggle with their weight during a taper. All endurance athletes get cravings during a taper. But when it comes to food cravings I'm a weakling. Yesterday I was almost giddy when I got off the weight scale. 188 pounds. 190 was my dream goal back in November when I DNF'd my first Ironman due to being obese. I was 256 pounds in November. I never dreamed I could actually get to 190. Now I'm below 190. A dream come true! This is the first time I've been this light since I was 17 years old. Maybe 16. Then last night I had a taper induced sweet tooth go rampant. I ate 128 weight watcher points yesterday. 6400 calories. More than I'd usually eat in 3 days. Most of those calories were consumed from 3pm to 9 pm yesterday. Today I ate 2 plates of nachos & 1.5 packages of graham crackers before work. The only reason I stopped over-eating today was because I had to go to work. When I'm at work I'm stuck in a tower for 12 hrs a night & have no access to any food other than what I bring to work. Thank the good Lord for my work.
I keep telling myself today & yesterday is over. Tomorrow is a new day. There's 3 days left until my race & then my tapers over. I'm hoping I can hang onto my diet plan the next 3 days. I won't dwell on the last 2 days because when I beat myself up I turn to food for comfort. Its a big bad snow ball affect. I'm choosing to accept what I've done the last 2 days, & just move on. 3 days. I can do anything for such a short period of time. I just need to keep praying for strength & fortitude. I need to keep my eye on the prize.... Ironman, a 13 hr Ironman to be exact.
Light is fast.
Skinny isn't a body type, its a tactical necessity.
I'll see if I can minimize my food cravings until this taper is over. 3 days. Any prayers would be appreciated. Keep tuned in & I'll let you know how my taper, diet, & race goes.
Thanks for reading. I'm out!
April 07, 2008
2 wrongs don't make a right
I missed my 1st long bike on Saturday since the birth of my son on Aug 5th 2007. I never miss long days. I've called in sick to work rather than miss a long work out. The reason I'm so vigilant about completing my long runs & bikes is I know a triathletes most important workout is their long bikes & runs. I'm so obsessive compulsive that when I do miss them I get so upset I end up falling apart on my diet. & this weekend fall apart I did!
My family & I were going to Las Cruces for a weekend getaway. I hopped on my bike at first light, 6am, to insure I'd get in my workout, but my rear derailleur stopped shifting about an hour into my long ride on Sat. By the time I got back to the house & got my bike shop to get it working, it was time for us to leave. I spent the entire weekend stuffing my face with cookies, candy, coke, pizza. Oh boy, it was a bad couple days.
I know 2 wrongs don't make a right. But I just couldn't stop the feeding motion! I'm surprised I didn't end up with carpal tunnel syndrome. As bad as this weekend was there is good news. I stopped. In the past once something triggered my emotional eating I wouldn't stop for weeks. The more I ate the madder I'd get at myself. The more upset I got the more I'd eat. This time, after 2 days I stopped. 2 days isn't something I'm going to say is ok. It's going to take awhile for my weight to recover from that kind of eating. But I'm learning to stop the avalanche thanks mostly because of some great skills a buddy of mine taught me. There's light at the end of this problem. I'm not trying to fool myself by saying "some day I won't have this issue." But I'm definitely learning skills to better deal with my issue with food. Hey, at least it's not a heroin or crack problem.
While I was in Las Cruces someone stopped and asked if I was Cody? He said he reads my blog & he thanked me. I was floored. Took me completely by surprise, in a good way. My readership is way down. I know that's because I haven't had the time to read others blogs & post comments. Working 72 hrs a week & trying to train for triathlon at least 15 hrs a week has really limited my free time. But someone thanking me for what I'm putting in my blog was sure a high point of the weekend for me. all in all it wasn't the best weekend. But it was a weekend full of future potential.
Peace! I'm out!
My family & I were going to Las Cruces for a weekend getaway. I hopped on my bike at first light, 6am, to insure I'd get in my workout, but my rear derailleur stopped shifting about an hour into my long ride on Sat. By the time I got back to the house & got my bike shop to get it working, it was time for us to leave. I spent the entire weekend stuffing my face with cookies, candy, coke, pizza. Oh boy, it was a bad couple days.
I know 2 wrongs don't make a right. But I just couldn't stop the feeding motion! I'm surprised I didn't end up with carpal tunnel syndrome. As bad as this weekend was there is good news. I stopped. In the past once something triggered my emotional eating I wouldn't stop for weeks. The more I ate the madder I'd get at myself. The more upset I got the more I'd eat. This time, after 2 days I stopped. 2 days isn't something I'm going to say is ok. It's going to take awhile for my weight to recover from that kind of eating. But I'm learning to stop the avalanche thanks mostly because of some great skills a buddy of mine taught me. There's light at the end of this problem. I'm not trying to fool myself by saying "some day I won't have this issue." But I'm definitely learning skills to better deal with my issue with food. Hey, at least it's not a heroin or crack problem.
While I was in Las Cruces someone stopped and asked if I was Cody? He said he reads my blog & he thanked me. I was floored. Took me completely by surprise, in a good way. My readership is way down. I know that's because I haven't had the time to read others blogs & post comments. Working 72 hrs a week & trying to train for triathlon at least 15 hrs a week has really limited my free time. But someone thanking me for what I'm putting in my blog was sure a high point of the weekend for me. all in all it wasn't the best weekend. But it was a weekend full of future potential.
Peace! I'm out!
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