not competing in the the Angel Fire ultra trail run and family stuff

I've been wanting to compete in the Angel Fire 50 kilometer trail run for a very long time. I signed up earlier this year expecting that the race would motivate me to start running again. It didn't. I doubt I've ran a total of 30 miles in the last 21 months and I'm tipping the scales at 250, so unfortunately I wont be running in the Angel Fire 50K. That's ok, the longer it takes me to earn an ultra endurance trail run belt buckle the more I'll appreciate it when I do.

On a more personal note, I hadn't heard from my natural father since I was 13. A while back I found him and we rekindled our relationship. For a little over a year everything was beyond perfect. He went camping with my family, called me multiple times a week, and visited every few months. He was the father I'd always wanted him to be. It was wonderful feeling accepted by a parent, that's not something I've had much of in my life. Then just as suddenly as the last time, he disappeared. He turned his back on me while I was going through a really hard time. The timing wasn't his fault, but it still made things much more difficult for me to deal with. In that same month I'd ended my relationship with my mother. She has borderline personality disorder. Severing ties with my Mom hurt deeply even though it was best for both of us. That same month I found out my step 1st (of 3) step Dad who raised me from the age of 2 to age 15 had died. He was an alcoholic and he and my Mom had a horribly abusive relationship, but he was a great father to me. For years I desperately wanted to find him and tell him how grateful I was for all he had done for me and taught me. To tell him at least one more time that I loved him. I never got that chance. I found out he died living alone and in poverty. The conditions he was living in the last years of his life horrified me, riddled me with guilt. Anyways, back to my natural father. I had called and sent letters with no response. After almost 6 months of not hearing from him, not knowing if he'd died or if I'd done something wrong he sent me a letter that said he couldn't be in contact with me because he was on vacation. A few months more of not hearing from him and I get another letter claiming he had high cholesterol and the only way for him to get the numbers down was if he cut me out of his life. I would have been OK if he decided not to be in my life and was honest about the reason, but him feeding me a line of bull shit made the whole situation hurt much more than it needed to. A few days ago, approximately a year and a half after he severed our relationship he sent me a fathers day card and in it he was honest about his reasoning. Reading that letter helped me heal a lot. He told me the truth, and that was what I needed to be able to find closure. I'm so grateful for his honesty. You might be asking what the heck that has to do with fitness and me getting back to an ideal body weight? I hold everything in, refusing to allow myself to feel. When the emotions become too overwhelming to hide from I numb the pain with food. I'm hoping now that I've found closure with my natural father I'll be able to start eating to live rather than living to eat.

 

Just in case your wondering, I don't regret having had the parents I did. The things I went through, the abuse and piss poor parenting I had was the catalyst that made me into the family man I am today. I'm a darn good Dad and a grateful husband. If it wasn't for what I had gone through as a kid I wouldn't fully appreciate the healthy relationship I have with my wife and the joy I find in my kids. It's as if I'm reliving the childhood through my family I wish I had experienced. Life is wonderful, I'm happier than I ever dreamed I could be.

Gut check at the Gallup triathlon

On June 13th 2009 I competed in the 3rd annual Gallup triathlon. I'd completed in this race 2 years ago on it's inaugural year, but had 2 flat tires a mile from the end of the bike. I ran the last mile of my bike that day so I could finish, but since I had to run the last mile I had a poor finishing time. I showed up this year hoping to redeem myself.
Now first off I absolutely love this triathlon. The only knock against it is that it's an indoor pool swim. I had a GREAT swim, finishing in 6 minutes 26 seconds & recording the 7th fastest swim of the day. The bike leg is pretty difficult. It's a very hilly out & back 12.2 miler. On the first half of the bike I was SCREAMING FAST! I was averaging almost 20 miles an hour, which for a mountainous course like that is very very fast. By the turn around portion of the bike I had passed a bunch of athletes I'd never even come close to finishing near. I knew I was having one of the best races of my life! At the half way point I heard the tell-tale & dreaded pst-pst-pst of another flat tire. This year I was racing on tubular tires which are much more difficult to puncture so I didn't race with a spare. With no spare tire it was pointless to finish because I'd have to push my bike the remaining 6 miles, but there's not an ounce of quit in this body. Not one ounce! I'd rather die attempting to finish a triathlon than say the course was stronger than me. So I started the long run back to the bike finish. Once I got to the end of the bike leg I was still needing to finish the 3.2 mile run. Even with the great times I put up in the swim & the 1st half of the bike there were 2 things that were certain-
1) I'd be finishing in dead last place today.
2) I'd finish. I've never been the best at anything I've done, but I've rarely seen anyone else who has the determination level that I do. 10 years ago while working as a correctional officer I got jumped unexpectedly by an inmate. He was much stronger & faster than me, plus he had the element of surprise. I'd be lying if I dint say he beat the snot out of me. The next day I showed up to work despite having loose teeth, & having lips that were so badly split & swollen they looked like hamburger, one of my eyes was almost swollen shut, & one of my ears was swollen with what could have ended up as cauliflower ear, yet I still worked an entire shift in that same cell block. At the beginning of my shift my supervisor told me to go to the hospital or home, but I refused. I don't quit, not for any reason. Period. No matter what the odds or the conditions, I do my best. I couldn't control if I had a flat. But I COULD control if the flat sent me home having not given my all. By the end of the run my bike cleats were nothing but nubs. Replacing the cleats would be costly, & my wife & I don't have much spare cash. I knew that when I started running with my bike & in my cycling shoes, but I didn't care. I had one goal in mind. Finishing. & finish I did. The bike ended up taking me two hours eleven minutes. When I started the run I assumed the race director would have pulled all the volunteers who would tell me which way to go at each turn. But even after all that time they were there clapping & showing their support. That the RD kept the volunteers out there that long is rare in triathlons & another reason why this race is worth doing. I was having a very fast run. If there was anyone left on the course I was determined to catch them. Of course there wasn't anyone left running but me, but I didn't drop my effort level one iota. I ran just as hard as I would have if I was winning. At the 2 mile mark of the run it dawned on me that it was only 2 weeks from the anniversary of my Step Dad's death. He was an amazing man & he taught me much about life. He had told me many things that if I applied to my life would make me successful. The one thing he never had to tell me was to be strong. To never give up regardless of how big or small the task at hand, & to fight for what I love & believe in. He never had to tell me that because he lived it. He was a shining example of how powerful a man could be & how deep of a well of strength a man who refuses to give up could call upon. He never had to tell me this because he showed me by example how to be strong each & every day of his life, even on his last. As I ran I realized that he was the only other person who would have continued to race on even though it was pointless to do so. He wouldn't have quit, & I didn't quit. As I ran my eyes flowed over with tears and they fell to mix with the sweat of strain, yet I continued to run with all my strength. At that moment I was no longer just running for myself. I was running as a tribute to the way he lived his life, & even to the way he died. With inner strength, pride, & perseverance. I never saw him quit at anything. Ever. As I ran I realized that if God was allowing my Dad to watch my performance from heaven, he'd be proud. I ran that day for all I was worth. I finished in last place, but I didn't finish alone. Bob Foster's example was there to lead the way.

prayers please

My step Dad used to send me a lot of emails. Usually 5-10 a day. It was how we kept in contact. Sometimes the emails were personal. A lot of them were things he found on the Internet. Some jokes, some political emails (we had the exact same political views), or an interesting video (we had the same sense of humor too). Now that he's gone I keep going to my computer to
check my email, & it's empty. It's the first time I've ever had that happen. My
Dad has always sent me emails. He was retired & the computer was where he spent most of his time. I miss him. I suspect I'll always miss him. Perhaps not as badly as now, but not having him here makes me feel like there's an empty place in my life. I know I'll see him again because we are both Christians, both believers in Christ. But the lack of having him here right here has left a definite void. He was one of my biggest supporters.


As lonely as I am without him here it is much much worse on my Mom. He was the only person to ever fully accept my Mom for who she is. Her good & bad. My Mom is a determined person. She has a single minded determination like none I've ever seen. That makes her capable of accomplishing anything. But for some reason it also at times can make others uncomfortable. She often feels isolated & alone. My Dad was the only one who encouraged her and supported her through any & all of her"projects". Everyone else, myself included has had a tendency to tell her to slow down, to try & make her keep focused on other things in life. To not get so engulfed in that one new project she has partaken. Now that my Dad is gone I see she needs to be supported by those she loves. I should of seen it before. But better late than never I suppose.


My Mom told me the other day her true North is gone & her compass is ascue.
I don't know what to tell her. Her biggest- her only true supporter in her life
is gone. She's alone in a house where they have built memories together. But now it's only her.


My Mom has never handled emotional situations well. If anyone threw a project her way she'd complete it faster & better than anyone else in the world could. But when it comes to things of an emotional level, she just bottles them up.


It's been a hard couple years for my Mom. 2 years ago she lost her sister to cancer. She was 1 of her only 2 friends. Last week she lost her other best friend, my Dad. Earlier this year her other sister was diagnosed with an incurable form of cancer. All this was too much for my Mom to handle. She had a heart attack last night. Then she had another small one this morning after she found out her Mom fell & is now in a wheel chair. My Mom's doctor prescribed some nitroglycerine pills to my Mom & told her if she has more chest pains to take 1 pill every 5 minutes. If after 15 minutes she is still having chest pains to call 911. She has an appointment at the Heart Hospital of New Mexico on Friday. If there are any Christians reading this, prayers are desperately needed. I couldn't handle losing both my Mom & Dad. Especially so close together.

Heavens a better place

Thursday night I got a call while I was at work. My Dad was in the hospital. I don't have the strength right now to go into details. But Friday July 4th he died shortly after 10 pm. Heavens a much better place now with him in it. I'll miss him horribly, but I will see him again when God's ready to take me home to him too. I wrote this & will read it Thursday at his funeral.

Bob was a great man. Bob taught me more than any other man ever could have. He took me under his wing & took on the impossible task of teaching me patience with those I loved & taught unconditional love. He came into my life in my darkest years. By my late teens I'd become adept at judging each person on a daily basis. I'd learned to turn my back on anyone if I felt threatened. No matter how close they had been to me. Bob started to teach me to love unconditionally. He taught me by example. He taught by loving my Mom & I no matter what kind of hard-hearted self defense mechanisms I employed. He'd feel some kind of emotional door slam shut & he'd simply wait for me to show up, to trust, & love. Time & time again I shut doors on him, & even my own Mom. I've gone many times as far as not calling or seeing Bob or my Mom for months on end. Each time I hurt them both deeply. One day I'd just show up again, & each time he'd let me into his heart & his home. He'd never ask why, he'd never tell me not to again, he never even judged me. He knew I was broken inside. He had no reason at all to keep opening himself up to such a broken person. But he did. I was slow in learning the lessons he knew were important for me to be happy with myself. It was a slow & painful process for him & I both, but eventually I started to learn to trust in people enough to love unconditionally, not just when it as safe for me to do so.

Bob was such a loving, kind, & honorable man. He lived every moment & made every decision based on a deep sense of right & wrong. He never lied to anyone as long as I knew him. That would be impossible for anyone else. But it was true with him. He never lied. In the late 90's Bob started telling me he was proud of me. When he started telling me this I was so stunned. It meant so very much to me because if he said it, he meant it. His expectations were very high. He expected me to be a trustworthy and honest man. He expected me to love the people that God put into my life for me to love. He demanded I make each decision in life based off of what was right. The best thing he taught me was to love. The next was a great set of morals & scruples. The one thing he told me over & over again was "good men finish last, but it's worth it".

I owe him so much. Without him in my life I wouldn't have been able to have courted Cindy. She would never have fallen in love with the man I was before Bob healed my heart. I wouldn't have her or the gorgeous children that we have now. Without Bob I wouldn't have been able to rebuild my relationship with my Mom. He reached a hardened unreachable young man. He gradually chipped away my hard exterior. Because of him I can love. It's been a blessing to have been loved by him. I love Bob unconditionally. When Jesus is ready to take me home, I will be so excited to see him again. But until then I will do my best to live my life as an example to the people around me just as Bob did for me.