Crazy taper thoughts

This Saturday is the US powerlifting association New Mexico state championships meet. This week I started my deload week. We used to call it a taper back in my triathlon days. I hate tapering. I keep thinking crazy OCD thoughts, "I could be gaining more streangth if I was training hard. What if I'm doing my taper wrong and screw up my meet. Why don't I Just say screw this meet and continue training through to prepare for the next one. Missing one meet won't hurt. Etc."

I also started eating to maintain my weight instead of dieting to drop weight. That way I'll go into the meet fully fueled and not at a deficit. And of course I'm miserable doing that to. I have more and even stronger OCD thoughts about pushing pause on my weight loss until after the meet. "I could be 5 pounds lighter by now! I could just diet through the meet, 5 or 10 pounds on my meets total won't really matter. I'm finally on a roll loosing weight, what if I can't get back on the diet wagon?"

I know I'm doing the right thing by slowing my training and dieting. But it's hard when I'm such a one track mind kind of a guy.

Oh, by the way. Have I mentioned lately how much happier I am now that I'm not being forced to work 80-90 hours a week anymore? I'm spending a lot of my time with my kids. Driving them to wrestling, volleyball, and weightlifiting practices. Watching thier sporting events. Getting in my workout time. And now that I can sleep a normal amount of time I'm no longer struggling with overeating and depression. Life is finally good again. That 11 years of hell is finally over.